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The End of It

We ended at the diner.

I watched the wires of your neck
nod your head to the rhythm of my chatter
on the pretense of attention.

"Penguins," I said.
"I saw one in the backyard today".
    "I think I heard about it on the news,"
spoken by scheduled lips and eyes dim as recycled light.

The waitress served you lukewarm love in a paper cup,
with a side of toasted apathy.
She admired the ring I haven't worn since.

When she scuttled off, you studied the physics of her bouncing tits.

It was cloudy on our wedding day.
    I should have heeded the advice.

Author notes

I'm not quite sure if the title works - any suggestions? Also, this will be turned in for credit in my Poetry Writing class - all critiques appreciated!

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10
  • atty-poet
    September 9, 2008

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    Really impressed with this "snapshot" of a moment, the bullet to the head that kills a relationship, I think. I got tripped up at first in the second stanza: "you agreed" should follow "backyard today" logically. Just a minor syntax problem. And then the tense changes to the present instead of past tense in the third stanza, but I think it's working anyway. Doesn't employ any poetic tricks, but doesn't have to really. Well done. (i'm in my fourth poetry workshop class...this should be well received.) Write on.


    • solaris
      September 9, 2008
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      Thanks, atty-poet. Your comment was really helpful. We haven't gotten to my poem in class yet, but I'm sure the things you said will come up. Thanks for helping me revise this. : )

      - Solaris


  • TabbyCat
    September 9, 2008

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    Daaaaang..this said so much without saying it. You could have fell into the boring rut of..."you never listen to me anymore." or "You check out other women." instead, you SHOWED me what the weaknesses of the relationship were. GREAT job.


  • My Nemesis
    September 8, 2008

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    I like this, and I think the title is a good one. It was the end of your marriage even before your wedding day was over. There are some great lines too 'the waitress serves you lukewarm love....' And I love the last stanza. Hindsight is a wonderful teacher.


  • stylization
    September 8, 2008

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    Oh wonderful. I like this a lotttt. It's beautiful. I don't understand it, but it speaks to me. Or something. <33


  • Alek
    September 8, 2008

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    Wow

    I absolutely adore this.
    'Lukewarm love in a paper cup' is perhaps one of the most poetic lines I've heard in a very long time. Wonderful.


  • WindUpEnigma gold member
    September 5, 2008

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    "'Penguins,' I said, and you agreed."
    Haha! Wow...
    The metaphors are vivid, violently taking hold of my mind's eye, sharp and clear.
    Truly, you are a talented writer...I must remember to check out more of your work...


  • Iyaden
    September 4, 2008

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    I believe you make an interesting point about the kind of people who are just plain false. The use of simple things made into a metaphor of grim realization work very well and add an artistic flare which I admire. Very good work and Impressive wording!

  • angelique
    September 4, 2008

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    amazing

    love the cynicism. the last stanza says a lot even though its only 2 lines long.
    i also loved the "lukewarm love" line.
    i love the whole poem.

  • Emcchesney
    September 3, 2008

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    this was fantastic! great honesty was sought and found during this dark comment on society. great job of analogies and imagery.

1 - 10 of 10