I have to leave now,
I'm afraid
that the illusion
Of your presence
Is coming alive
And I promised myself
Never to jeopardize
My solitude
Never to let anyone
Too close,
Where any stab
Will be fatal
Author notes
Having trust and intimacy issues is my secret..
it's the first time i admit it
and it's hard
A contest entry
- Mosaic by Ms. Black Eyeliner.
700 points, ended September 18, 2008, 27 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
do you feel it?
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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A very soft poem and obviously very personal - i liked this.
The ending is very good - those last three lines work really well.
James
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Very relevant and it stabs the reader too close to the vitals to be ignored. You get to the point even if that point threatens your vunerabilities and I like that. Thanks for sharing!
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good poem ..congrats on the trophy
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I'ver read this poem
once again, and I love it. Be blessed. Frans -
Wow! Secrets revealed!
Super little poem! I can follow this one! The revealed fears and emotions are so well stated here! Your fear of intimacy is something widely shared and makes a very good subject for this poem! The short line construction works wll here! I like this poem! It resonates with me and makes me feel good!
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Welcome to Allpoetry
It is easy to have a fear that you never face. It makes you stronger to put this forward for others to see and to face it yourself through those words.
This is a short, and effective piece of poetry.
Welcome to Allpoetry and I hope that you enjoy your stay
Should you have any questions, please feel free to ask me
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it always is... i hope you find your solution... i wish you would show more than this... anyway, it's a nice entry and thanks for entering
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ooh i remember this one
great job and good luck in the contest -
Raw and Simple - it fits the contest well. Good luck~
Maybe consider not capitalizing every line? I felt at first that each line began a new thought or idea, but it seems that the lines are supposed to flow together to a certain degree.
Speaking of flowing together, I think I can perceive points where a new thought/idea is indeed introduced, and it kinda gets mushed with the next line. Maybe consider throwing in some more punctuation?
My favorite lines:
"I'm afraid
that the illusion
Of your presence
Is coming alive"
I felt like there's some elaboration missing...
I don't quite get the why and feel as if I only partway got the what. Nevertheless, if raw and simple is what you're going for, you've got it ^.~ -
Your poem reads to me almost as if gasping. Your line break choises at least seem to create that effect. I like the vulnerable yet paranoid element of human nature and especially the way the illusion metaphors projecting yourself without actually comitting.
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SO DEEPLY FELT!!!!! BEAUTIFULLY EXPRESSED!!!!
We all tend to hide from reaching out again after being hurt in our hearts. Just when we feel we are at our saddest someone comes along and appears to help us but we just don't dare to open up and trust. I know I feel this way now and keep so much to myself as I am afraid of opening up and being hurt all over again.
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Hey
Yes...I feel that...I have felt the exact way
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Beautiful yet simple poem. IT's a great poem.
God Bless.
Gray
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Another good piece. It's notable in your writing that you've learned to conserve words so the read flows smoothly without speed bumps or obstacles as I so often see in other writes. Keep up the good work and happy trails.
P.S. When you post a new poem let me know and I'll pay a visit.
Thanks
David -
Simple yet eloquent in style. A very direct composition. The guarding comes through very throughly. The question is, is that person's presence really an illusion? or is it indeed factual? and ominious?
Lovely write. Good luck in the contest!
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"Never to jeopardize
My solitude
Never to let anyone
Too close,
Where any stab
Will be fatal " i love this line i love the faint cesarian feel to it "e tu brute"(or how ever you spell it lol) very good representation of the emotion and your guarded feelings--the walls we put up most times are not to keep ppl out but to see who cares enough to break them down
Great write
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nice, the title maybe not the right choice but I like the poem. Maybe Tt could be renamed as 'afraid' or 'fear' or stay the way it is
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cold
we all have our circles that can't be crosses. I like "the illusion of your presence." such clear conveyance of your point.
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Too close,
I would have preferred 'so close' rather than 'too close'
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i liked this poem it was really good hun, i thought that you were hurting when you wrote this
good luck -
i think this was really well done
simple and to the point
but powerful
well done n good luck -
I like this it's a good write my fav part is
"My solitude
Never to let anyone
Too close,"
Good luck =] loves Scars ...x
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