Rushes
along the creek path
swaying to our passage
or perhaps the winds
of time
and now
stillness of silent air
mirrors our voices
leaving the sadness
of memories.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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john;
Rushes
along the creek path
swaying to our passage
(or perhaps the winds
of time)
May be extraneous, as sway in itself embodies that concept.
In such a short work, swaying & leaving are somewhat bothersome, some thought might be give to a more active form than the gerund in this case.
and now
stillness of silent air
mirrors our voices
leaving the sadness
of memories.
"silent" here may be redundant--
"of Memories" may also be unnecessary, sadness is dependent on memory, you need not say so.
A final thought, maybe add some personality to those "rushes" color or type.
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excellent
I heard that ___ .
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