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The Story of a Young Boy

As the warrior gallops into the Shadow of the cold dark night,
His darkish wrath will be felt by all who cross the warrior of the end.
His fiendish size, with his Dark undead stallion will enforce fright!


The sound of galloping hooves in the shadow will spell death,

All who know too well of his power will run in terror.

The ones who intend to stay and fight will breathe their last breath!

 

 

Feel the trembling, feel the doom,

His army of ghosts and skeletons are near,

Unless you are already dead, you shall be consumed.

 

 

Now your fate shall be decided!!!

Stay with your dad and fight,

or run with your mom and hide?

Author notes

again, you decide, put into your comment 123 to stay with your dad, or 456 to stay with your mom

YOU DECIDE, SAY 123 TO STAY, OR 456 TO RUN WITH YOUR FAMILY

    : , Your review:

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • ProudMomma
    September 15, 2008

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    123

    wow intence!!!! i really liked this poem it was hard to read due to the colors but i really enjoyed reading this. The ending really shocked me thats not what i expected but i love this write. Keep on penning!


  • SilverWolf
    September 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    123 all the way!

    About the poem (casual):

    WOW! I REALLY LOVE this poem! It has so much action with very awesome vivid words! I feel like I am there!
    WE WILL STAND AND FIGHT FOR WHAT IS RIGHT!! (Sorry I am in a very uplifted fighting mood now - I feel heroic !)

    About the poem (critical):
    I think the background should be changed maybe to help out the actionness of the poem.

    At the end of line 15 you should leave out the "!!!", it ruins the line (in my opinion).

    Maybe not break up the lines? But yet I like it that way. I think the poem needs alittle something, not more words the words\poem is great. I can't quite place my finger on it. It just needs a little something else to "help" the poem...

    Look it over and see what you think.

    A few more words:
    Okay so this poem is really good but just needs a little something else. I hope you weren't offended by the critical part. Just want your poem to really "hit" people and amaze them. It amazed me! But it could be alot better (not the poem, just the feeling you get while reading it!).

    I really love the title! Welcome to the group! GREAT GREAT GREAT POEM!!!!

    This is one of the best I have read in a long time! (you can tell because I am writing a long comment which I don't normally do unless I read a really really good poem).

    God Bless!

    SilverWolf


  • Ken-Maverick
    September 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Cool write here
    Welcome to the group
    If you have any questions or if i can help with anything, just holla
    All the best
    Ken


  • Walking Oxymoron gold member
    September 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    123,
    Honour for the family, I think...

    (For the record, I don't think it's gimmicky- and i don't actually know what quatrains are!)

    I liked it!


  • stylization
    September 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    No offense or anything, but this seems a bit gimmicky. The rhyme is a bit forceful; couplets or quatrains would be better, and it's a bit too much fantasy-book-meets-Lord-of-the-Rings for me to like it. It's an interesting concept, though.

1 - 8 of 8