Shattered mirror shards are falling
From the cliff of hope inside of me
They are injuring every vein
That runs from my heart to my body
Spilling blood drops are spreading
Oozing slowly from the wound you made
Your knife was sharp and so strong
And it hanged my dreams at the edge of its blade
I tried to clean the mess you left behind
When you killed the love that was between us
And I found my way back to life again
As if your love never was, never does
I wonder why you had to love me
When you could never keep it alive
If you could never digest this love
Then you shouldn’t have pretended to give
I could never understand why you had
To break the joy of pure love
To pretend that you are someone you can never be
And to call me your pure white dove
I could never understand
Author notes
Contest prompt:
Digest this love, otherwise, you may ruin its joy...Unknown.
Ok, I think I won't revise it again, it looks ok in my book now.
It is deeply personal and well, I guess it speaks for its self, even in a humble way.
Thanks for reading!
In a list
A contest entry
- otherwise... by PrabhuDayal Khattar.
300 points, ended September 17, 2008, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!!!
I have seen this so much around me, people saying they love and they truly do not, they just want something you have and as they get it they move on without so much as a by your leave. There are way to many heartless people in this ole' world.
-
I really like the visual is this work and you really pulled me in as i read it, and i get bored easily when I read, so well done. It's a very nice poem that could be a really nice write, but the cadence is off and rhyming isn't just there.
You have a great flow and cadence going, and then you have an unexpected long part in a stanza and it would throw me as i read it, such as the last line in the 2nd stanza.
I do like this work and i hope to read more of yours, so please don't take my comments as overly negative, i like this work, it was a pleasure to read.
-
-
Such comments as yours are always welcome, they are helpful so thanks and please speak your mind about the mistakes presented, this only helps me improve.
Thanks alot! ^^
-
-
Interesting
Not sure how it is meant to be taken but I know how I took it to mean. Very deep and personal. I quite enjoyed it. Well written too!
-
A few mistakes I found... I don't know, I guess I'm just anal, but I feel like I should point them out..
"If you could never digest this love
Then you shouldn’t have pretend to give"
Did you mean "Pretended"? Past and present tense together...
And then.. "A spilling blood drops are spreading"
I don't know if you meant something else by that line but you seem to have singular tense ("A") and multiple tense ("blood dropS ARE")
Maybe that will help.
Other than that I really loved the first stanza.
Good work!
-
-
Thanks alot for your honest comment, indeed these are grammer mistakes that I'll correct now. thanks for pointing them out.
-
-
This is a great poem, very emotional. I love how you used a line from the prompt in your poem...
"If you could never digest this love
Then you shouldn’t have pretend to give"
It is my favorite line. Goodluck in the contest!
-
You can revise it as many times you wish....
-
-
Thanks, I took my time and I guess it is ok now.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
