Sunset rainbows streak the world
as we greet the death of another day
Bloody reds and oranges swirl
with clouds carved of purple clay
The wind carries your voice to me
touched with grace and hidden beauty
The words you say set me free
Devoid of pain and hidden cruelty
The last rays of sun caress my skin
Feels like your hand upon my face
A foreign thing happens - I start to grin
Give myself to your sunny embrace
Then without warning it disappears
Quickly stealing you away
My vision fogs; it will not clear
The blackness settles into stay
Encased in darkness; ebony night
Misting over all my senses
I wish to run but can't take flight
The blackness cut of all defense's
All alone; you left me here
crying in this charcoal hole
Throw me aside to my greatest fear
Turn me black down to my soul
A contest entry
- ~ Word Prompt~ by Frozentearz.
525 points, ended September 16, 2008, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I thought the last stanza and the last line of that stanza were so powerful and moving. It really gushed into my heart and swam through my veins.
I like the change that occured during this piece. I like how it went from being beautiful and sunny, to gray and misty, and to complete gloomy darkness. You did an excellent job making the transition between the imagery and emotions that go hand and hand together.
This was a really impressive piece.
♥
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I also loved the depth and feel to this peice. Well worded and easy to visualize! The last 2 stanzas really brought it home to me! THanks for entering and best wishes,
Frogz~ -
Lots of feelings written into this, I think Tom has giving you some great feed back to work with,
For me I loved the depth I felt within this one and
I Loved this line. "crying in this charcoal hole"
Now that is some blackness
Thanks for joining in.
Warm thoughts.
Frozentearz -
Your rhyme pattern was great. I didn't hear it until the last three verses. This piece opens powerfully. I think, and it is just an "I think," that the last three verses should be paired down to one or at least two. You are taking the same idea and trying to get people to see how real it is. The more you try to prove something, the less it is believed. The heaviness expressed must be done with a light hand to weigh heavy on the hearts of your readers.
You should be pleased with yourself. Your command of the language is becoming more concise. Your vision of your images quickly stroked with effortless language into stark vision."You have come a long way, baby."
Love, Tom B.
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Love the melding of words, like 2 lovers intertwining together. Beautifully written with a nice flow
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