Aquatric iris pools I bath in ... exposing my deepest skin ... Freedom of the binding clothes ... Hidden self in shadows ... given in wave after wave ... Waterfalls caress my honesty ... Held new innocence ... so whole and complete ... so naked ...
A contest entry
- Skinny Dipping by Danna Hobart.
375 points, ended September 21, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I'm sorry as I'm on a phone. navigating , and formats are diffcult. Thank you.
Comments
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I like the suggestions Danna has given with a small exception...i would keep it present tense and go with 'hold new innocence'
Are your ellipses due to posting by phone? It's been so long since I've done the internet like that.
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First of all, ellipsis are the mark that indicate the omission of quoted material.
Second, your style here is redundant. Rather than "aquatic iris pools," "iris pools" would work. Below shows the words I feel could be eliminated without changing the meaning of your poem.
Iris pools
expose my deepest skin
Free from clothes
Hidden in shadows
given in wave after wave
Waterfalls caress my honesty
Held new innocence
so whole and complete
so naked.
The tighter you make a poem, the more impact it will have.
Lastly, you have created a serene image, but I was looking for something metaphoric, but you have gone for the literal here.
Thanks for entering.
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