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I'm Going to Eat Your Soul

I'm going to eat your soul. I'll grab it, fry it and eat it whole. I'll sharpen my knife as I end your short life; then I'll dance 'cause I'm eating your soul.
I'm going to drink your blood. While I whisper my secrets in a deep red flood, your tears will mingle as my tongue tingles; I'm going to drink your blood.
I swear I'll cut your heart. If you near me I'll tear it apart. Weather physically or emotionally, I swear, I'll cut out your heart.

Be prepared:


...or I'll eat you alive.

Author notes

Hey this is, surprisingly, not about literally eating people. It is a satire of how I seem to scare them all away.

XDthere-goes-my-heart

A contest entry

Scared yet?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Bound-In-20-Chains
    September 12

    Edit | Reply
    Ok, I commented on this ages ago... But I'm commenting again.

    I love this thing. ._.
    People say I write well, but it is usually I that does the envying of another's work and complete hatred of my own. Or... at least, simple dislike.


  • Symphony
    February 19
    Edit | Reply
    [shudders]

    This was quite scary; sent shivers down my spine, with the hair raising on the back of my neck!

    Although I did take this for being the truth, about literally eating people, haha!

    Excellently worded, especially that you meant something entirely different - wonderful personalisation!

    Thanks for entering


    • there-goes-my-heart
      February 22
      Edit | Reply
      HAHA you did? Awesome. If possible, you gained even more points in my book, which is crazy because you had a freaking ton already for someone I haven't even met because you're from Ireland!!!! YEAH!!


  • FleetingImage
    January 28

    Edit | Reply
    beautiful and you may scare the norms but people like me are a problem indeed. with this tale you told it tells your quite cold but i think your simply bold...good luck.


  • EvenStarsBreak--x
    October 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting and unique write. I enjoyed reading it, well done. =] Thank you for your entry and good luck.

    x-Pretty-Odd-x <3


  • cricketjeff gold member
    September 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I read this in a previous contest of course, it is well worth the read but with over 80 poems in this one I am being harsh on the rules, you have 2 prewrites not one and one fresh so I am not considering you for the finals.


  • Paloszoo gold member
    September 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Quite an interesting write from such a youngster ;-) Job well done! Thanks for entering my contest. I'm honored to have you share your work here. Good luck!


  • Florida Sunshine
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    My official review of your poem in the contest. Because this is a 'final' contest, I am feel I should be as strict as I can be in looking over every aspect of the poetry presented. I have never claimed to be an expert in any of the categories, however I have been learning a great deal over the last few months. Not only did I want to challenge you [the poet] but myself as a judge.

    Below I've made the ruling/score in regards to the points. If you disagree with any of my reasoning please 'reply' to the comment made – with “Challenge” and explain where you feel my assessment is wrong, if I agree with your argument I will change the score. I'm never to proud to admit when I'm wrong. If I feel I am still correct I will bring in a 2nd judge to make the final decision to a change. This final judge will be through my grammar group.

    Your Scores:

    Finalist -- 0/10 points - I'm so happy to see you've taken the challenge to jump into the final round of the option contest.

    Use of Prompt - 5/25 Points – Timeless – Overwhelming another person. I don't make the connection of how this is timeless. The closest I can get is the poem has a vampire type feel. Vampires live forever, well... until taken out.

    Poetic Form – 20/20 points – This is regards to the actual structure of the poem. It appeared to me you have written 'Free Verse' style write. I have learned to properly execute this form you must use your words to 'impact' the reader. Without a doubt you have achieved that, plus some.

    Use of Grammar - 5/10 Points – “I'll grab it and fry it and eat it whole.” is a run-on sentence where this is actually a list of what your going to do, instead of 'and' you should use a comma. Look at how it says the same thing but changes: 'I'm going to eat your soul, I'll grab it, fry it and eat it whole.' Still the same sentence but structured to hold the value it does. The next line could also be change to fit, though it does work as it is. “I'll sharpen my knife as I end your short life, and I'll dance 'cause I'm eating your soul.” to 'I'll sharpen my knife as I end your short life, then dance 'cause I'm eating your soul.' Simple changes you can do throughout the piece.

    Spelling - 10/10 points - Perfect!

    Overall Presentation 10/25 points – The background and fonts are a nice compliment to the poetry you've penned. I understand this is metaphorically written and not meant literal however, the piece could be structured to lure the reader to your words. I think you have a awesome dark piece of poetry written, and in the right forum it would do well. I hope you look around Halloween for my 'scare me' contest... this would do well!

    Your total score is 50

    I do appreciate your participation. It was a welcome pleasure to read and review your work. I think you did a terrific job on the poem itself!

    Best of luck to you,
    Florida Sunshine


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    September 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your entry in the contest with this quite scary poem. We feel this could be much improved if it was written in 4 or 5 line stanzas as it is difficult to read and it loses the flow.

    Good luck in the contest

    Sue and Jeff


  • Bound-In-20-Chains
    September 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    xD XD It rocked.

1 - 10 of 10