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rerun

My head exploded into the sky,
Blew to blue, fade to contrast white.
I can see it flow over clouds of green
Like a bottomless liquid dream.

Now I can feel all of my thoughts,
Like twisted, gnarled, wooden knots,
But if I saw them into twos,
That's when it hits, when I feel the blues.

And I'm trying to fill/feel a gap,
But I'm still a million miles away.
A million miles from a star, a million miles too far.
And I'm trying to (en)joyous,
But I'm still a million smiles away.
A million smiles from a sun, a million smiles rerun.

My legs got ahead of myself,
Ran to run, fade to contrast health.
I bit 'em in effort to slow 'em down
But my mouth got stuck to the ground.

Now I can hear all of my words,
Like muffled, muddied, bloody herds,
But if I corral them into pens,
That's when it stops, when the smiles end.

And I'm trying to fill/feel a gap,
But I'm still a million miles away.
A million miles from a star, a million miles too far.
And I'm trying to (en)joyous,
But I'm still a million smiles away.
A million smiles from a sun, a million smiles rerun.
A million smiles rerun.

Author notes

subliminalj is my adopted pen name

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • etoile
    October 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this was nicely written. I really liked the first and fifth stanzas. however I thought that 'million' was overused in the last and third stanza. but overall this was nicely written and I liked the imagery.

    thanks for entering and goodluck


  • aanika
    October 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    My head exploded into the sky,
    Blew to blue, fade to contrast white.
    I can see it flow over clouds of green
    Like a bottomless liquid dream.

    that first stanza was probably my favorite, and it drew me in.
    the rest of the poem was quite well written, but I didn't like the ending much. I feel like the repetition of 'million' wasn't necessary, and the last line was awesome, but the lead-up to it, not so much. just my opinion.
    this was still a LOT better than a lot of the other poems on this site though.


  • swim.x
    September 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. I can't really express how I felt reading this poem, except for that I was thoroughly impressed by your immaculate flow.
    Congratulations and good luck in the contest.
    Chin up,

    Swim.x
    'Now I can feel all of my thoughts,
    Like twisted, gnarled, wooden knots,
    But if I saw them into twos,
    That's when it hits, when I feel the blues.'


  • delightfulmess silver member
    September 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent FLOW!!!
    It is hard to keep a good flow with this legnth of poem But you did it nicely.
    Well done and thank you for entering my contest.



    Delila

  • Ulimate
    September 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    *CLAP*

    This is such an amazing write, well done! I normally like simpler work, but the cadence and visual flow is so fantastic in this write that i couldn't stop reading if i tried.

    I truly love this stanza:

    Now I can feel all of my thoughts,
    Like twisted, gnarled, wooden knots,
    But if I saw them into twos,
    That's when it hits, when I feel the blues.

    You are definitely going on my favorites list.

1 - 5 of 5