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andante

the rhythm of piano keys:
his fingers sink
into them like teeth,
tearing away at mystery.

his mind lingers
on the footpath,
hand in mine
until our lips meet,
a lapse into the hollows
of summer guilt

but his bones
still rattle,
more ragged than
falling breaths

until mechanically,
he is woven
into music.




Author notes


Username: exalted
First name [or name you will like to go by that is not your username]: cassidy
Age: 16
General poetic style: free verse, psychological, love
Why you’re interested in this contest: i need an excuse to write more

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • sideways hourglass
    January 1

    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations! You are one of the 16 finalist to make it to the mainstream of the competition. To confirm your interest in competing, please apply to the group ASAP. Just include an emoticon or whatever you want in the application.
    http://allpoetry.com/group/info/The%20X%20Factor?stay=1


  • Laura Lamarca gold member
    December 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    88

    originality: 9/10
    creativity/poetic devices: 8/10
    mechanics: 9/10
    balance of images/ideas: 9/10
    personality/emotion: 8/10
    line breaking/structure: 9/10
    personal opinion: 7/10
    title: 5/5
    rules followed: 5/5
    focus: 5/5
    cohesion: 5/5
    diction: 5/5
    syntax: 4/5
    [extra credit] X Factor: 0/5
    TOTAL: 88


    Laura


  • And Hyetal
    December 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oops, sorry, I forgot to mention some stuff:

    I love the way you combined music and machinery; it reminded me of a music box. You had great imagery and metaphor. I absolutely adore:

    'a lapse into the hollows
    of summer guilt'

    Great work.


  • And Hyetal
    December 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    92

    originality: 9
    creativity/poetic devices: 8
    mechanics: 10
    balance of images/ideas: 9
    personality/emotion: 9
    line breaking/structure: 9
    personal opinion: 9
    title: 5
    rules followed: 5
    focus: 5
    cohesion: 5
    diction: 5
    syntax: 4
    [extra credit] X Factor: 0
    TOTAL POSSIBLE: 100


  • sideways hourglass
    December 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    89

    originality: 9/10
    creativity/poetic devices: 8/10
    mechanics: 9/10
    balance of images/ideas: 9/10
    personality/emotion: 8/10
    line breaking/structure: 9/10
    personal opinion: 8/10
    title: 5/5
    rules followed: 5/5
    focus: 5/5
    cohesion: 5/5
    diction: 5/5
    syntax: 4/5
    [extra credit] X Factor: 0/5
    TOTAL: 89

    Well, first off, this was quite nice - some nice imagery. I thought, in terms of imagery, this was kind of mild for you. Usually there is more imagery to pick at, but still what you have here gets the job done and it works.

    Otherwise, nothing [criticism] worth mentioning, this was a very solid piece.


  • Cat gold member
    September 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I really like where you were going with this piece- like the idea of "fingers sinking into the keys like teeth".. that is a great line

    i notice your tenses are off- met/ vs. sink and Is.

    a good piece this. Really glad to find it in the contest.

    Thanks,
    Mary


  • jo-el
    September 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    that's the business i really like to read. first stanza...dammn the rhythm of piano keys:
    his fingers sink
    into them like teeth,
    tearing away at mystery.
    another all around wonder


  • autarky
    September 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    whoaaaaaaa.

    bookmarked, to read again and again. :]

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