The roses I imagine you picked for me
dry and tangle in my hair
I push and shift them, so
they don’t fall
wait for you to see the way you look at me
for you to see the way I look at you
caressing orange petals
but you’re not here yet, or
I’ve not caught up with you.
I follow
picking up your crumbs
trying to fit the pieces of you back together.
I don’t know if they make one coherent whole
but I try
I try
I loved you first remember?
Remember? I loved you first
before you loved her
before I loved him
you were my first puzzle
you unlatched the hinges of your mind, let me rifle
through its contents where I became
lost and amazed
in its beauty and its strangeness
but it is not for me. I step back
content to let you ebb and flow
silent as the moon
she and he will pass us eventually
then maybe all that’s left
will be us
in the train station, standing at the platform
and you’ll actually pick the roses this time
from outside
or pull them from a vase
I’ll pin them in my hair
and we’ll embrace like we haven’t already
Author notes
Bash this poem to pieces, please.
A contest entry
- rawr I want good love poetry!!!! by Live with a passion.
600 points, ended November 15, 2008, 84 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - MAKE ME FEEL by Cena-of-Destiny.
2750 points, ended October 17, 2008, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Reviews Appreciated
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Um...bash? But...but...there's nothing to bash! =(
Ha, ha. Anyways, love your poem! The imagery in this is astounding. Maybe...the only thing that I "might" have criticism on is that you have a lot of "this and this" structure followed by "this and this" structure, and it gets a bit dull sometimes...just vary up sentence structure some. You have a lot of long sentences strung together in a row. Try breaking some up with shorter sentences.
The roses I imagine you picked for me
dry and tangle in my hair
Not sure what to do with those two lines, but they sound awkward. Maybe if you added "eventually" or "after a while", to give a sense of time passing?
Anyways...beautiful!
. Rewarded 6
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The words and expressions in this poem are amazing. However, I would have to say the way you put them together is a bit...stuttered.
Some poets may say I say this too much, but I would add punctuation to the peice to make it flow better. Puncuation can do so much for a poem because it tells the reader where you expect them to pause.
I would just rearrange the poem a bit to give it a more finished look and make it flow better. Hope you don't mind, but here is an example of what I would do with the first stanza;
The roses I imagine you picked for me,
dry and tangle in my hair.
I push and shift them,
so they don’t fall.
Wait for you to see,
the way you look at me,
for you to see,
the way I look at you.
Caressing orange petals,
you’re not here yet,
or I’ve not caught up with you.
I follow picking up your crumbs,
trying to fit the pieces of you back together.
I don’t know if they make one coherent whole,
but I try, I try, I loved you first remember?
You don't nessessarily have to use a four line stanza and could have all the lines together, but I just wanted to show the difference when you add the puncuation. Good write overall. The words are amazing, so as far as "bashing the poem to peices" I can't, just work on the flow a bit and it should be a Gold Trophy poem! -
You request that reviewers 'bash this poem to pieces'... it is difficult to do because there is so much that is excellent in this piece. I can see the scene of the train station platform and the roses in the hair.
If I were to be picky, I'd suggest you work on the flow of the piece a little more. It changes some between stanzas, but this didn't effect my reading of it too much as I was caught up in the scene.
Also, the first two lines of the last stanza are a bit awkward. I think it is the use of the word 'eventually'. I like where you are going with these lines, I just think they can be restructured to read easier and provide a little more effect. Try being less wordy and a little more direct with your feelings in here.
That's what I had trouble with. Here's what I think is great: 'picking up your crumbs
trying to fit the pieces of you back together.' That's a great metaphor for the relationship.
'you were my first puzzle' ... I thought you'd expand on that more, but that one line really made me think about the 'puzzle' of love.
'I step back
content to let you ebb and flow
silent as the moon'
I love that line.
The whole piece is filled with honest emotion and desire that most readers can relate to. I'm going to go read more of your work now to see what other gems you've created. This one really caught my heart and mind.
. Rewarded 8
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A great review, thank you. I'll take a look at your suggestions!
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fantastic first stanza
I think the images about the roses, orange petals are very beautiful. I love the maybes in this piece (or.., I imagine...). Many things are left unsure, which allows the reader to create different versions of the poem according to mood, or outlook. I tend to write in that way, too. I like the last stanza a lot, but it uses more concrete images, which is somewhat unsatisfying for me, because I like the way the first one works so much.
. Rewarded 8
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Thanks for your insight on the first vs. last stanza; it gives me something to think about.
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*thumbs up*
It's easy to wonder if we should have ever left our first love. You've conveyed the feeling well. And I love the flowers and the way you talk about rifling through his mind, it really conveys a sense of intimacy.
Um, I dont think I can find anything bad to say about it, it's a great poem.
And I loved it
. Rewarded 6
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Oh. This is a great little poem that you have going on here. I liked the back and forth tug o war of it. I could feel the frustration and the hope that kind of floats through this. It's really hard watching someone you love with someone other than you. I really liked this though. I thought you did a good job of expressing yourself here.
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Amazing
Free verse.. I simply adore it.
You know, this poem reminded me of "The Dramatists" by Dorothy Parker, if you don't know it, then you gotta read it.. it's just perfect.
Great job you've done here. Keep it up
Lubna
. Rewarded 4
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I can't.
I tried to find a way to bash this poem, but I just can't. It's too real for me, too personal. It makes me want to find her, take her in my arms, and buy out an entire florist! And 21-30? Pure punch. Loved it!
. Rewarded 4
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Aw, thank you.
I think that's the best comment I've ever gotten.
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you were my first puzzle
you unlatched the hinges of your mind, let me rifle
through its contents where I became
lost and amazed
ah, the beauty of first love.
and the pain...
you expressed yourself very well. -
We all love someone first loves first romances ive been there for all of them and it hurts.Like the poem really good keep it up!
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Your style of writing is really interesting! I've never quite really a poem which manages to string words together so beautifully. I tend to prefer simple poems, not totally straightforward, but not completely ambiguous either. But this kept me reading and really stirred the imagination. You have a real talent!! Awesome stuff
. Rewarded 6
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Well, if you feel like is, then maybe you two should be together... If he feels the same way... I'm in the same situation myself, so I know how you feel. It's written very well and flows nicely. It also seems to come from the heart! Good job!
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Excellent
A very fine write, indeed. You've expressed yourself quite well. Thank you for sharing this one with us. Again, well done.
. Rewarded 4
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