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prelude to a suicide

Missing image

Inhale...

 

Enraged lungs threaten to collapse

as his concrete heart leaps into his throat,

obstructing finality's ragged breath.

 

Knotted stomachs violently churning,

as clawed hands savagely tear

through wombs, in a twisted role-reversal

of the Immaculate Conception;

 

Ripping the spawn of sorrow

from the ribs of anorexic mothers

to sate His own sadistic lust.

 

Silver screams stab the silence,

puncturing nightmare-skies

as scarlet tides crash upon hollow shores,

washing away all earthly anguish...

 

Exhale. 

Author notes

For Poetic Challenge Round I.

I am Immortal Obscurity.

Artist credit: "Ashes of Yesterday", artist unknown.

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Miss Faerie Greeters member
    January 8

    Edit | Reply

    Hood-Wink #103

    What brilliant imagery your word choice creates.
    Heartstopping, the words made me feel as though I was burning alive.

    Hood-Wink #103


  • Shya
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is really dark and well-written, especially the way you've written the words, it's frightening... I like this poem a lot, but it doesn't rhyme. Please note that Raven Song is looking for dark poems that rhyme. If you have any other dark poems that rhyme, feel free to enter. Thanks. Shya


  • luckynsincere
    September 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    WOW! THis is a wonderful piece of emotion! It is captivating and powerful. Gives the reader a soccer punch!!

    Though it was dark, it did not go over board, you know... I liked that you really fed us all the "umph!" even for the first round!

    Nice job. I saw only one thing that needs to be fixed... second line has a small typo. Should be "into" instead of ino.


    I must disagree with my fuzzy sweet co-host about the his and he thing. I like the mystery of that. Keeps us on our toes

    Best wishes and good luck in round 1. Stay tuned for results.

    Mel



  • Ceridwens Soul silver member
    September 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is vivid and dark. You have really captured the darkest thoughts of someone close to to suicide. Too close for comfort sometimes for me maybe but its been a good day so I can read and enjoy and wow I enjoyed.


  • LadyDementia gold member
    September 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hey welcome to the poetic challenge Oh wow! What a gorgeous read! My fave theme, of course Now I could be wrong (I usually am ) But I am thinking he is Satan? Or the devil, either way The imagery here is raw and powerful, superb! A little short on tell, but the show is very good. L2 ino = into? Just watch for typos they could cost you in later rounds I to can see you going far in this challenge, your line of thought is very creative.

    Your score from me is 97.5

    Oh the full credit to the picture is Ashes of Yesterday by `LuneBleu found on DA


    • Immortal Obscurity Greeters member
      September 6, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      shoot! I never even noticed that... RT format on here doesn't check for typos... drat! and my gold membership expired, so I'll lose my formatting if I fix it... damn, I'll keep that on the stacks for when I renew my gold


      • LadyDementia gold member
        September 6, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Hey Just a reminder, Once a judge has commented your not to make any edits until the rounds over


  • Ktulu Blackwolfe silver member
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I am stunned by this write.

    You have here a beautifully penned darkwrite, which I love those, and it is so short and speaks so much.

    Though, I am asking the same question as my co-judge before me, "Who is he and his?"

    I love the suspense left here at the end and your stanza
    "Knotted stomachs violently churning,


    as clawed hands savagely tear

    through wombs, in a twisted role-reversal

    of the Immaculate Conception;"

    WOW! very clever and very well thought out!

    Your talent is immense and this is proof.

    My score
    97.5

    **Ktulu Blackwolfe**


  • Lost Vampyre Angel
    September 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ooh honey wow this is amazing you did so well with this its better then mine but really this is just gorgeous and I love the imagery
    all my love
    kitty xxx


  • Arkbear gold member
    September 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hello

    First impression....nice job......first thought....*who is His & he*?

    Introduce your characters by name or definition, but never, by Pronoun ~

    Yes, keeping your Readers in a tad bit of suspense is clever, yet, not when you have a mere 14 short lines to share your Poetic Voice

    Inhalaing before....exhaling after....brilliant!

    Lots of gorgeous Imagery here...>>>  enraged lungs.....ragged breath.....knotted stomachs.......etc....and this..>>>

    as clawed hands savagely tear

    through wombs, in a twisted role-reversal

    of the Immaculate Conception;

    Wow!

    Gosh....you sure can bring me into your write....however, be careful with the *Show & Tell*...stay focused on your balance of each ~

    You have a tremendous amount of *Showing....and a small fraction of actual *Telling going on......move me throughout your write and take me on a journey

    Do not wait until the last Round to show me your best.....I tell this to every Poet in every Round I have judged with your Host........however......over-all....you have done an incredible job with your first entry, and I can see you as a Strong Contender in the next Round to come...I am glad you did not make this into a rhyming entry....to me....that would have ruined this fantastic piece of Art you have painted with your quill...

              ....welcome to Poetic Challenge and Good luck...

    ..God bless you !

    Your score shall be sent to your Host

    Bear ~


  • Arkbear gold member
    September 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Hello....had to change Font because of your background... ...no worries


  • Ravenblood
    September 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ohh. I like this.. Very well written. Makes me wonder and think. Lovely.

    Evil Demon Spawn Beware!

    Claire-Anne


  • Pandorea
    September 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    cripes. that is scary.... eeep!

    but good for all that. brilliant writing. the imagery is fantastic.

1 - 13 of 13