'mom here...'
she holds out crumpled notes,
her soiled olive branch
brown kitchen window
braces itself
for another lashing
rickety old fan
makes the only sound
that can be heard
over loud accusations
ricocheting off the walls
of mother's skull
burning on high;
flamed gold that paints
skillets black
the girl tucks the notes under
a scratched melamine plate
'it’s two thousand'
'take your damn money and get lost'
'whatever...'
she mumbles her way
towards the door
'don't you dare walk out on me like that!'
but backs don’t listen
the money peeks from under
the old plate,
gloats
an angry hand grabs the notes
flings them at the girl
no longer her baby
no longer there
green winged moths
float in her kitchen
demonstrate
-\free-dom\-
Author notes
Word Prompt: Gold
A contest entry
- gold _ co-sponsored by aj morelli by Cat.
1150 points, ended September 14, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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i always wonder if my poem does what I think it does. The most important thing is that it makes the reader feel something. anything. except jaded
hmmm... may be "demonstrate" was not a good choice. the girl's actions have more than demonstrated freedom. the notes are just rubbing it in... will think how to make it more precise.
thank you so much for your feedback
( am thrilled that you read my poem more than once lol) -
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ok.. so demonstrate doesn't work for me there without a different line break and
a normal view of the word freedom.. -
oh man.. when i am judging .. i read so many times its obsessive...
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each time i read this i get an uhhh... feeling.. almost like it hurts to read the hurt here-
so much hurt
love the line "but backs don't listen"
i am not sure i understand the word
demonstrate right at the end-
and the final word reminds me a bit of mel gibson
in his final moment of braveheart- which is apropo i think
good to find this and you here in the contest- thank you
m
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What a talent.
I bow to you.
Garrison
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