I exist, yet I
exist again some elsewhere --
on another plane.
Your death has left me
helplessly fractured; I’m not
here, but I pretend.
The scent of old books,
memories saved, mildew, oh,
letters you received.
Thoughts you penned, thinking
no one would ever see them;
I did and rejoiced.
You are here, yet not.
Drenched in your life, I yearn to
look into your sweet eyes.
I exist, yet I
exist again some elsewhere –-
wherever you are.
In a list
A contest entry
- enduring in two pieces... by PrabhuDayal Khattar.
300 points, ended September 3, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Sad
A nice poem, mainly for its sad content.
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This is a poem from a person tearing apart my writing?!?!? I am going to be brutally honest here:
"some elsewhere"..... I have never heard anyone say that or write that in my life.
it's just awkward.
I exist yet I exist again - repetitive.
You are here yet not - oxymoron
Thoughts you penned thinking.....
that is a terrible line (hint - use a thesaurus)
"Drenched in your life, I yearn to
look into your sweet eyes" is the only good line in here
The whole poem is emotionless, scattered and impersonal to me. Ditch the form, give me emotion. So yeah, he's gone and you want to be with him - what would you do if you're there? What did the words that he penned say? EXPAND. Death leaves everyone helplessly fractured, what were the memories, what did the letters make you FEEL. This feels like a poem written just for the sake of the contest... -
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Daniela,
Your comments here are yours. I respect them. You are entitled to your feelings.
You were obiously hurt in some way regarding my comments on your writing... and for that, I am sorry. I have no idea why you are so upset with my comments on your piece: http://allpoetry.com/poem/5300837
We all feel loss in different ways; I hope you come to terms with your own loss, Daniela. I know it's hard -- so very hard. I, too, am still trying to come to terms with my own loss.
*hugs*
Lilac Moon
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thoughtfully provocative
Your first stanza definitely caught my attention. 'I exist, yet I exist *again* some elsewhere on another plane'. And after I read your poem, there was this pang of longing to be with someone you love so much that you are living two different lives. Very touching. I hope to read more :] -
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Thank you for your comment, bana bini (fascinating name
)
Your comment has further inspired me -- started typing another piece here, but decided that I need to work on it offline.
Thanks again
Lilac
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Somber and captivating tone. The "you"of the old letters lives on some other plane also. Keep that in your heart.
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Thanks for the sentiment, Voilin.
Lilac Moon
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Why is it that the best poems barely get any reward, whereas gems like this only get honorables?! Makes me nuts! This is beautiful, the only flaw - if there is one - lies in the repetition at the end. But ths is nice. - ocerus.
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Thank you, Ocerus.
I am not able to be very objective at this point in time.
The repitition at the end, well -- it is ALL about an ending. And an endless loop in which I currently exist.
Lilac Moon
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This is really a heartfelt piece..I love it..well done..and thank you so much my friend.. for entring my contest...
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