An internal sensation
from the core of my being, from the caverns of my heart:
a sluggish surge of electricity,
dull silence rocking echoes in my skull,
churning self-disgust squirming in my gut,
sorrow sundering gashes through my rationality,
my existence locked in one moment of remorse
and contempt lies bare on your face.
I'm so sorry.
That's all I can say.
I'm so sorry.
That's all I can say.
Author notes
I just did some major editing.
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Option 4
Username: superl337sauce
First name [or name you will like to go by that is not your username]: Michael
Age: 17
General poetic style: free verse
Why you’re interested in this contest: trophy!
In All This Chaos We Found Safety
superl337sauce
A contest entry
- invite- only enter if sent a link by Mrs. C..
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Thanks so much for entering.
[if you end up in the finals I will comment better]
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this is very sad that this had to happen to you..i liked the description in the first stanza a lot. good job and good luck in the contest!
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An internal sensation
from the core of my being, from the caverns of my heart:
a sluggish surge of electricity,
dull silence rocking echoes in my skull,
churning self-disgust squirming in my gut,
sorrow sundering gashes through my rationality,
my existence locked in one moment of remorse
I love those lines... good luck in my contest :] -
Judged-ola!
sad:10
happy:0
....blahblahblah lolz
good job on this piece -
73
originality: 7
creativity/poetic devices: 6
mechanics: 9
balance of images/ideas: 7
personality/emotion: 7
line breaking/structure: 7
personal opinion: 6
title: 2
rules followed: 5
focus: 5
cohesion: 5
diction: 3
syntax: 3
[extra credit] X Factor: 0
TOTAL POSSIBLE: 100
I like your imagery, but I feel that you should have a bit more of a metaphor in here. But I agree with the other two judges, there is potential.
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69
originality: 7/10
creativity/poetic devices: 7/10
mechanics: 9/10
balance of images/ideas: 6/10
personality/emotion: 6/10
line breaking/structure: 7/10
personal opinion: 6/10
title: 1/5
rules followed: 5/5
focus: 5/5
cohesion: 4/5
diction: 3/5
syntax: 3/5
[extra credit] X Factor: 0/5
TOTAL: 69
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I'll probably be editing this poem a bit; I hope that's alright.
Why would you choose to avoid gerunds? -
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Well, this is a personal thing, but I would avoid gerunds because the sound of "ing" over and over again gets kind of annoying; and, therefore, degrades the poem. I would try to phrase the poem with as little gerunds as possible.
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70
originality: 7/10
creativity/poetic devices: 7/10
mechanics: 9/10
balance of images/ideas: 8/10
personality/emotion: 7/10
line breaking/structure: 7/10
personal opinion: 6/10
title: 1/5
rules followed: 5/5
focus: 5/5
cohesion: 5/5
diction: 3/5
syntax: 3/5
[extra credit] X Factor: 0/5
TOTAL: 70/100
I agree with Tyler's previous comment here...I certainly feel the potential in this piece.
Laura
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I love the imagery in the first stanza - very detailed and intense.
However, the second half was disappointingly dull. In the second half, you told and didn't show. Showing is much more powerful than telling.
Also, one small thing that can be easily improved; you used a lot of gerunds [words ending in "ing"]. Try to avoid doing that.
Other than the negatives, the main positive thing is that I see potential here.
Just my opinions.
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This is beautifully written. Amazing word choice and all in all, a sorrowful read.
Thank you so much for entering, I love this.
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...this one opens my wounds. Deeply.
That's what makes it absolutely perfect.
The way you repeated
"I'm so sorry.
That's all I can say."
is absolutely phenominal. It symbolizes how we continue to apologize, yet nothing but our pain is gained.
The title takes the cake, too.
As for my favorite line follows:
"churning self-disgust squirming in my gut,"
I could literally feel it when I read it. Wow. Just wow. That blew me away.
And to think you're 17! I thought you were some 60-year-old professional poet, honest!
Do keep it up, I shall read more soon!
~Kara
PS Again, you deserve much, much more than 3 clappie thingy-mo-bobbers.
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thanks for your comments
And to think that you're 13!
I could say the same to you, but I expected you to be in the 15-25 yrs. range.
Ugh 60...
who would want to live that long x.X
But let's just say that "I have an old soul" xD
(^w/e that really means o.O)
Btw, are you rating my comments multiple times? I feel like I see the same notes over and over again at the top of my page... -
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How old do you wish to be? *curious and intent*
Oh, whoopsie! *slaps forehead* I bet I did and it totally slipped my mind...I'll be sure to keep an eye on myself.
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Hmmm...
I don't wish for my body to age. The effects of aging are repulsive to me. I want to be young forever!
That being said, it'd be nice to live forever if I had eternal youth. Then, I'd have all the time in the world to do all the things I want to do. -
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Wow. Haven't you read "Tuck Everlasting"?
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Yes I have! Over six years ago though, so I forget what happened...
But seriously, if everlasting life on earth becomes too troublesome, why not just kill yourself? Isn't it better to choose where and how you'll die?
And if I could selectively choose whom to give the water! Then I wouldn't be lonely either.
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thank you for entering. i will not dq you but please put you ap name in the AN --void--.
your poem is quite intresting. so vivid. -
Delightful
how sad.
I certainly hope this poem is some made up situation, or, if it isn't, i certainly hope someone gave you a hug.
my favorite part is definitely, without question,
"a sluggish surge of electricity,
dull silence rocking echoes in my skull"
because well, that i've definitely felt before.
it does a great job of emphasizing the sincerty and sadness of this moment
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