You know diary, it’s funny how one find things the same way it was left once after returning from a journey. But sometimes, this mind is left wondering whether the journey has ever been started- even when the first minute steps are trembling…and not from anticipation either.
Or perhaps, writing the very structures inside a journal—no, maybe within jagged, torn sheets of paper lying around; and yet both are scattered with metaphorical tenures barely untouched…
While art was being defined, phrases of quotes lined the streets as if they themselves were becoming those instruments called lamps- constantly lighting the way into the darkest parts of a recessed mind….
But still, I remained paralyzed.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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hey Rae! How am I to critique this? You always leave me scatching my head at your lil self! This is different and thought provoking! It is personal and you, which is what we were looking for this first round. Even in these words... as if to stroke your diary's core... seemed as if they were art themselves. You made me think. Can you see the puffs of smoke? lol. I agree with Bear... this is just plain ol' clever!
Good luck with round one, and stay tuned for the results
Mel
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Hey welcome to the poetic challenge Wow this is very creative! Those first three words made me feel I was reading something I shouldn't be, which added an air of excitement to it
I really am impressed with the way you've approached this, thinking out side the box, for me, is always the best option. The other judges have covered anything I was going to say so no point in repeating it 
I can see you have a fine talent tho and I can't wait to read more in the next rounds.
Your score from me is 97.3 -
there isn't anything i can say, this is am amzing just golden , keep it flowing
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Hello Mistress Bear ~
* it’s funny how one find things the same * .....one CAN find?
Where are you returning to?
I know you are returning from a journey, but do not know where you are returning to
But, sometimes? ....Are you comparing something to *sometimes*?
I suggest taking off *But* ~
Take off the word *either*....and you will see there was no need for it ~
Yes, this is your own voice speeking, so I can relate to common speech....however, we must always try to improve our own dialect, if only, for our own good ~
Example.....You know Diary.......just say, Hey....or...Yo Diary!
*barely untouched?....or....barely *touched*?
*they themselves becoming those?*
Choose one or the other.....no need for three Pronouns....they do not compliment the other ~
*But still?....you are not comparing again.......therefore.....you should say.....>>
Still, I remain paralyzed -
Ok....over-all....love your ability to usespeech of *self*, yet, use personification to blend story and tale together ~
On the other side of this review.....there remains the fact, you should never critique your diary....let alone, have Papa Bear inside of your head
Good job Mistress Bear.....I am lookingforward to Round 2 from you....you have begun with a very clever entry.....this is thinking out odf the Box.......you shall need this gift soon ...muuaahhwwww!
God bless you,
....your score shall be sent to your Host,
Bear ~
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I loved this piece. To me it was deep and something very unique.
The way it was written really makes it easy to read and to say the least, it really grabs the reader.
My question to you is about the hyphons you have placed in here.
"ever been started- even when"
"a journal—no, maybe"
"called lamps- constantly"
I am not sure if they are randomly placed or serve a purpose. But, in my opinion the only one that seems to work with the poem is "a journal—no, maybe". The other two...I think could be deleted. But that is a matter of personal taste and not form or style.
I can definately see you as a top contender in here.
My score
98
**Ktulu Blackwolfe** -
I love this
the depth and personal feel to this make it an amazing read,
its almost like accidently finding a piece of someones heart
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