exquisite in death

picking flowers today i thought of you...

awash in an early morning shower

my tears went unnoticed

how odd i must have looked

a thin pale girl, dripping wet,

picking flowers in the rain...

each petal i scrutinized was exquisite

...perfect

despite the imminence of death

how could i have been so oblivious

to the demise of our relationship?

to me it was perfect ... exquisite

yet before my very eyes

your love was dying...

why couldn't i see it ... why?

grey skies did little to cheer my heavy heart

crying, i removed each petal

whispering:

he loves me not

A contest entry

Give Me Your Love! by SincerelyMegan. 575 points, ended September 14, 2008, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

Please tell me what you think

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

By me, right now

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secberm
September 6, 2008
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Ahhh... One of your best. Love it sweetie. Good luck and write on. One.

Dez
SincerelyMegan
September 6, 2008

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Deep is definitely a way to describe this poem!
I found it full of emotion that tore me to pieces.

Great job and good luck.
xXchellXx
September 4, 2008
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wow
this poem is very deep!! well done
Clovis...Curious
September 4, 2008

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Excellent
A very fine write, indeed. You've expressed yourself quite well. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Again, well done.
tomisb
September 4, 2008

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I like the use of the image "picking flowers in the rain" this contrasted nicely with the relationship dieing from perfection. We need obstacles. Children misbehave to maintain our attention on them. when they are too good they know they disappear. The last two versus almost feel like a start to another poem or a separate vignette. Interesting free verse format. Three lines. Two make for balance and the third is either perfect for balance or the begining of dissension.

thanks I enjoyed this.

Love, Tom B.
Kevin
September 4, 2008

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nice start. perhaps leave out 'thunder', just 'showers' captures the image.
'my tears went unnoticed' -> cliche alert!

'it must have been...' leave that out maybe, just 'odd though / to see a girl / soaking wet / picking...'

each petal was perfect

The end fell into cliche a lot. Show, don't tell! Let the metaphors of picking flowers in the rain and each petal being perefect carry the message for you. Perhaps have each flower die just after you pick it?