maybe somewhere there is a girl
with eyeliner made of rain
who fell asleep last night
drowning in vanilla incense
after staring at the dark side of the moon
until something inside
disengaged.
maybe her pores are stepping stones
to something more, like an ambulance
stuck in two twenty three am traffic
with her lungs inside on life support,
humming, 'I am only ill'
instead of looking under attic floorboards
for smudged blood-cells
or lost heartbeats.
maybe somewhere there is a girl
hiding in a closet where trees die
and equations are always wrong
under silk and untuned guitars,
holding hands with herself
with your name on her
chemical lips.
maybe she is waiting for someone
to silence her ankles,
to crouch down beside her,
hold her up by her hipbones
and push happy endings into her palms.
maybe somewhere there is a girl
who slips on icy train-tracks
and treads through salt
and cigarette ashes
when all she really wants to do
is sit beside you on a swing-set
and watch snow climb, not fall.
maybe she loves you through time machines,
and wants to measure her thoughts
with something more than numbers
because when she is like this,
it's like a thousand mini-sunsets
crawling down the sky
galaxies away,
and she wants you to see,
but you will not look up.
Author notes
she misses when making wishes on pennies and dandelions meant you would stay forever.
In a list
A contest entry
- Just 16 and Under 16's Only - Many Prompts by Errant Panther.
586 points, ended September 18, 2008, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For my favorites and those that have me on their favorites by whiterabbit..
400 points, ended December 11, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Can You Hear? by Celtic Legend.
450 points, ended September 20, 2008, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter your best prewrite! Gain points. by xxRainbowDawnxx.
925 points, ended October 4, 2008, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - contemporary emotional personal poetry♥ by etoile.
575 points, ended October 19, 2008, 46 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Need Comments? by Shya.
300 points, ended October 11, 2008, 21 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Free to Write by LoveNLyrics.
525 points, ended October 29, 2008, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My brain's ticking like a bomb. by Never Fall in Love.
650 points, ended November 4, 2008, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - written for the gist of love by sidewinder.
1400 points, ended December 30, 2008, 55 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Check it out by mcw120588.
490 points, ended November 5, 2008, 35 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your favorite by whispernthedark.
790 points, ended November 7, 2008, 56 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - & all I ask, is for your best-- by Kiss the girl--x.
700 points, ended December 6, 2008, 45 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 75 of 75
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maybe somewhere there is a girl
hiding in a closet where trees die
and equations are always wrong
under silk and untuned guitars,
holding hands with herself
with your name on her
chemical lips.
- this is stunning and beautiful.
I love it. -
Well done. I am pleased to see a beautiful trophy (actually several) adorning this verse. Excellent work. Congratulations on such a well-written work. ~Pamela
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this is brilliant, simply and amazingly stunning.
and honestly, any comment i make wouldn't be good enough, so I'll simply leave you with, this left me breathless with awe.
thanks for entering
♥
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Well this has won many trophies, and it is so deserving. I really love it, so many wonderful lines. thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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Such eloquence and imagery. Wish I could have written like this at your age. Great.
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this is perhaps one of the finest poems i have ever read. absolutely excellent through and through. i could go line by line explaining it but never get to the way this hit me. thank you
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This is amazing.
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i love it
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I love this poem. but you already knew that.
I'm pretty sure I commented already but I'll comment again.
the line with the time of the ambulance seemed awkward, the time I mean.
otherwise this was brilliant! I loved how it all started with maybe and the imagery and emotions were amazing.
like wow. Love this.
thanks for entering and goodluck
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ok... WOW!
dang girl..
this one ripped around my head and it still is... and when it stops bouncing all around, maybe it won't just sit there and decay.. but grow into the largest living organism in my head
wow!
teddybare
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yeah maybe there is a girl...and that girl is nobody but me...lol...a very nice write..
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good.
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THIS IS COMPLETELY BEAUTIFUL.
I LOVED IT. LOVE THE EMOTION\
THAT SHINES THROUGH.
VERY NICELY DONE.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU IN THE CONTEST.
JUSTGOT2LOVEME
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a beautiful piece. More along the lines of what I was hoping for. Thank you for this brilliant entry!
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"instead of looking under attic floorboards
for smudged blood-cells
or lost heartbeats" Beautiful metaphor and that's is not to exclude some of the others within this beautifully expressed piece full of emotion and torment.
Nicely done indeed!
All my best to you in this contest!
Linda
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I'm almost speechless (when people say their speechless they belie their own words Lol) I'm honestly amazed that your poetry is so absolutely stunning especially when ur jus 15, im only 16 an ive only been writin seriously for a few weeks, since i joined this site ive seen some very good poetry, but yours is the best (i'm not jus sayin that either)I must have heard 'Marooned' as well i'm sure ive heard all their songs but I cant recall it.
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Okay, back with a bundle of words. This is really beautiful, and so touching... amazing imagery. I love this. Before you know it, this will be one of those heartfelt poems that I read every week because it's so good and then suddenly I have it half-memorized. This is so filled with emotion... wow. shya
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Beautiful.
I'm speechless. -
This is stunning. I love the line "eueliner made of line." It's fantastic. Amazing, best in all the contests not yet ended, and you deserved the trophies.
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I absolutely loved this.
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Wow-this poem clearly shows the emotions you have. They shine quite clearly in this poem, and it makes the reader feel what you are going through. The style I didn't get right away, but as I read it made more and more sense.
I like the poem and the rhythm you have going on,
Please keep on writing and never give up,
Jeff. -
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Honestly... i really have no idea what this poem is even talking about... Im sure it is really good... but i write straight from the heart, bursting out with flames kinda poems... check them out and you will understand...like this0" who fell asleep last night
drowning in vanilla incense" I have no idea y u put drowning in vanilla incens?!?!?!?! Why put that part in there... I dont know maybe its just me.. i have no idea.. but im really sorry...
Shannon*LEah -
Whoa this is an amazing poem. Your thoughts and desciptions have a certain beauty to them that I like with almost a certain innocence to them. . .I think it is really nice.
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awww some beautiful stuff here, very breathtaking and expressive, I love how you just take simple ideas and make them blossom into something special.
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Gr. I've read so much of your stuff, and everything is so perfectly amazing!! I envy your ease at writing, even if you don't think it's good. That one gold trophy already shows you that it's great! But the imagery and metaphors that are loosely but creatively scattered throughout your works (and this one in particular) are the things that really makes the point of your poems hit home hard.
Congratulations and good luck in the contest.
Chin up,
Swim.x -
your words are such that makes me wish i could walk into your mind, sit, and watch the movie of images that flick by your screen of imagination. i'd love to know how your words string together...
amazing.
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Excellent write! This is a great taste revealing music, poetry and the awesome connection between the two of them. I am highly impressed I hope you did well and the Gold was worth it! Peace n' Love, JT
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Beautiful poetry
You have great taste in music, and you're writing is beyond your years. One does not write to please everybody but it is hoped that people will get it and be inspired. Loneliness is a disease none wish to experience but unfortunately many will at some time or another, truly amazing talent you have and I can tell that just from this one poem I've read. Yes very well penned.
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OH MY GOSH!Where have you been hiddin' boy?This nearly made me cry! And I'm not an emotional person,really.when something makes me come EVEN close to crying it is HUGE!I LOVED LOVED LOVED this poem to pieces!AHHHHHHHHHH!
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"maybe she is waiting for someone
to silence her ankles,
to crouch down beside her,
hold her up by her hipbones
and push happy endings into her palms"
I like the way this questions
without need of answer.
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Maybe someday she'll find something worth holding onto and find the joy on life she deserves. This is a truly beautiful look at the deolation and despair that can dwell within many of us. Though it makes an evaluation of self happen with no choice I feel richer for having read it.
Thank you
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such detail in emotion. the images also keep it very real and close to most readers.. which makes it all the more poignant. It hits hard. I know something close to the feeling, in that I never could write and have nothing at all (damn that sounds pathetic)- but you've expressed it beautifully and obviously still can write even if on more personal themes. I've read quite a few of your poems. You use mundane images in a way so intricate and poetic, which keeps a very dignified, painful, effective tone.
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This is an utterly moving poem, that made me want to peel the layers off it one by one to preserve it truly beautiful, thankyou littlefishone
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ohhh! such beautiful words!
i especially liked the beginning
"maybe somewhere there is a girl
with eyeliner made of rain
who fell asleep last night
drowning in vanilla incense"
Excellent Write!
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wow i'm sorry you feel that way. like nothing or anyone will reach out to you. i feel the same sometimes.
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this is so amazing..
You have some talent...
I have to remember to stop by and read you more often
Excellent piece!
Lynda
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I ran into you from my buddy Jessica's links and am glad i did as this poem exudes talent like many of Jessica's do.
many try to decipher the words of this write line by line, stanza by stanza, word by word, but the fact is it is written in the aspect of giving birth to a living creature. Does one critique a newborn by their fingers or toes or hair or color of skin? No, they appreciate it as a whole, which is what one should allow of this write.
As such is the birthright of a newborn poem.
Bravo
Len
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an intriguing and rather abstract piece but just has that gritty feel that keeps you attentive. imagery was to me somewhat haunting, the overall feeling of the piece was of a very confused dream - which I found interesting. Unfamiliar with either song choice but they have spawned a very creative entry.
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Nice poem. I just wanteed to say. the dashes in my poem "Sount of Death" have a purpose. I was inspired by a poet who used that technique. What it does is emphasise the line its self. Not just the poem as a whole. each line has a meaning. But
I liked your poem. It has a certain meaning of truth to it. -
Honey, this is simply amazing.
You have such wonderful words
Describing every emotion so perfectly
You have a way with words that makes me jealous
I adore this piece
So sad and so heartbreaking
but so beautiful within your words
Amazingly done beauty!
TT
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Canada has produced many amazing writers, mainly songrwriters - think of Joni Mitchell, Neil Young and Leonard Cohen (and what a list that is for starters). From the little that I have read of your words thus far, they sing their brilliance without the need for music. Your talent is stellar.
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Amazing
It is normal to have the feeling of "Writer's Block". I have had it at times of high stress, illness or just in between "floods of ideas". I think many of us here can relate to that frustration. Sometimes it helps me to do something totally away from my usual day...like go for a hike, read a good book, or do some other artsy thing, like drawing. Or reading other peoples poems...can help your brain get back to words as muse and coping skill. I think sometimes we cannot use words to express how we feel on command. Maybe our hearts get in the way of our brains. I don't know..but we all have it at times and IT DOES PASS..but your poem is wonderful with great visual and choice of words..so you must be on your way out of being blocked.
Peace,
Jen
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This is amazing sweetie and there's no way that I would DQ it and in no way have you lost your ability to write. You wrote this so beautifully and brilliantly. You have so much talent and I don't see it fading away at all. I completely understand what you're saying about feeling like you're on your own and just wanting something to hold onto. I feel that way too much.
The descriptions in this are just gorgeous and you've painted the imagery so wonderfully. The emotions come out so well that I can really feel and relate to them. I envy your talent.
btw Pink Floyd is amazing
Wonderful write, dear and thanks so much for entering. Good luck in the other contests too.
♥
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This was really good. I liked this one a lot.
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I absolutely love the imagery. It seems chaotic, but it makes sense all the same. The lack of punctuation really adds to this poem, rather than taking away. And, it's very beautiful. Great job.
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This is very well written. And then I found out that a 15 year old wrote it and wow I can't say enough about it. You wrote this very well. It's very deep. Great job!
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A 15 year old wrote this? That blows me away. It is amazing. No clichés, no bad rhymes. I like all the stanzas, but my favorites are probably either the first one or the last full one. Keep writing! You're too good to quit
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maybe somewhere there is a girl
with eyeliner made of rain
who fell asleep last night
drowning in vanilla incense
after staring at the dark side of the moon
until something inside
disengaged.
---
thats brilliant
jsut so you kno i almost cried reading this.
its amazing.
its brilliant.
it hit me so hard.
its beautifulllll <333
i love this. -
I felt this
I really felt this, very nice. -
A really feeling poem.
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wow. i'm speechless. great poem. i luv it. good luck in those three contests i'll be rooting for ya!
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You're 15?...wow...what maturity comes from your words...
I really related to this poem...I (selfishly) could call that girl by my own name. And the "you" who could not look up? My lost love who died of cancer a few months ago.
A wonderful write...I'll fave ya for it, it's so good...
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fantastic
i think it's beautiful. it's feels lonely and determined at the same time. nice.
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Excellent, pure poetry. I look forward to reading more. Kudos.
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Wow, this is so beautiful, clever, and creative. I love the possibility, the hope, the hesitation in this piece...It truly reaches out to the reader.
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My goodness...this is absolutely beautiful and sad. Your use of metaphors is outstanding and the imagery here is perfect. You are very talented and should be very proud of this masterpiece.
Nevadapoet
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Your poetry always has a melancholy spirit to it,
which I love.
I feel so completely lost in your poetry;
not that it doesn't make sense or anything, but it's like I'm there, you know?
I love you lots <3
-Mary -
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thanks love ! (:
I guess that means my imagery is getting better.
love you too
❤
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haunting, mesmerizing, sort of sad - I love the ending.
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ahh
wow. kay so im super tired
and ima do a better comment later.. but for now i wanan say i love this. and i love who eveyrthing starts with maybe it adds so much more to this!
be excited for my good comment
♥ -
maybe her pores are stepping stones
to something more, like an ambulance
stuck in two twenty three am traffic
with her lungs inside on life support,
humming, 'I am only ill'
instead of looking under attic floorboards
for smudged blood-cells
or lost heartbeats.
I adore that stanza. well, I adore the whole piece, but that stanza especially sticks out to me. Your use of vocabulary, imagery and metaphor nearly struck me dumb. Good luck in the contest, because this is brilliant!
♣ Tegan
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You are a genius, you just never cease to amaze any reader with the new things you come up with. Best to you
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Damn!
I honestly believe this is one of (if not THE) strongest thing you've ever written. Reading your AN, I was kind of like
.
I'm always on your ass for writing about the same topic ALL the time, but you do it so well that I really don't care...
"push happy endings into palms" was the only part that felt VERY familiar...like you've written something very similar to that in the past--but then, doesn't every poet repeat a certain thing if that's the way they feel? Just thought I'd mention that.
"and watch snow climb, not fall."
I appreciate what you're doing with this line...but "not fall" seems to wreck the flow. Snow never "climbs", so I think the reader already knows what you're implying with the not-falling thing, right??
Those first three stanzas are absolutely amazing. Normally, I'd copy & paste those 3 stanzas into this comment so I could reread them again, but I'm not allowed to do that anymore.
I love the juxtaposition you've done with "vanilla incense" (white/light) & "dark side of the moon" (darkness)...I'm not sure if I'm overanalyzing, but that's the juxtaposition I got from it...either way, this is amazing poetry.
"when she is like this" is another good one...
You know what? This whole thing was amazing...I am going to bookmark this because when I was reading, I was in awe.
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i almost lost my breath reading this
you said you feel like you can't write, well i assure you that you can. i love your inspiration (although not nearly as much as your acutal work) because the used it pretty much great. but about what you wrote, your wording is simply gorgeous. "under silk and untuned guitars..holding hands with herself..with your name on her chemical lips" its so fantastic. wow.
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Very, very good. This was my favorite stanza!!
maybe somewhere there is a girl
who slips on icy train-tracks
and treads through salt
and cigarette ashes
when all she really wants to do
is sit beside you on a swing-set
and watch snow climb, not fall.
Your imagery is wonderful!!
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Nicely done. I enjoyed it.
Mike
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I loved it
ive read a few poems on this site that are quite emotional but this one beats them all this is an excellent write i especially love how you put so much into it!! good job xx -
I liked it!
So very strong images in this write!Some very interesting abstract ideas here inspire my artistic nature. Such as, "pores are stepping stones to something more", "under silk and untuned guitars," wtch snow climb,not fall." I loved those thoughts in particular! My thought is that your mind was in a jumbled discombobulation of thought at the time this poem was written! However, to think you can't write?....rubbish my dear! Good luck with this contest! Best regards
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Wow.. this is really wonderful.. I'm in shock really.. The image that you crafted here was really heartfelt, and the emotions that you revealed here were so intense.. You did such a wonderful job!! thank you very much for sharing! I loved it!! best of luck in the contest..
Angel
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WOW
This is simply breathtaking
Your imagery is amazing!
And your emotional delivery is wonderfully done, as well.
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(:
thank you so much.
I'm not really sure about this piece,
so the fact that you like it gives me a little more confidence.
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and I hope you don't mind, but I liked this so much, I had it put on the featured poems list.
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wow thank you !!!
of course I don't mind
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think nothing of it
and i didn't think you would
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Well, for someone so young, you write like you've had years and years of experience. You are very talented.
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1 - 75 of 75
