Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

Torn

In a dawn obscured by a slate sky waning,
her soul was lured by the passion of pain.
The tears in her eyes left no explaining,
with silent goodbyes, she stood in the rain.
The black dress and veil felt so constraining,
she tried to inhale and fought to stay sane.
Confused she cursed God for stealing her life,
her soul was immersed in horrific strife.

A coffin descending in unhallowed ground,
a crowd pretending to grieve at her loss.
They mourn for a soul they think is hell bound
and dump in a hole like unwanted dross.
An un-baptized spirit will never be found,
they cower and fear it, blaming the cross.
She cried out in pain, she stood there with pride,
she felt her life drain and her heart had died.

Indelible sorrows engraved in stone,
countless tomorrow’s passed ‘neath that slate sky.
A hole in her heart that rips to the bone,
a life torn apart with no reason why.
There’s a chill in the air and she’s left alone,
aching despair sounds a silent goodbye.
She dropped to her knees; she cried out to pray,
screaming; “Lord please”, where her dead baby lay.

 



 

Author notes

To this day some religions believe that un-baptized babies will not go to heaven.

In a list

A contest entry

Comments:

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 61 of 61
  • cindyloo
    October 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Powerful

    Wow. This poem has moved me beyond words. I have recently lost my son. You have decribed the burial scene so painfully and realistically. What courage you have to write this. You decribe the anger at God and anger at phony people so well; it's so true. "A whole in her heart that rips to the bone" That says it all. This is amazing. So sorry for your loss. If you ever care to read it, I wrote a poem called "Abulance Chasers" it is dedicated to the phony, hurtful people I have encountered since I lost my son.


    • Amera gold member
      October 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I am so sorry and that is not a phony sentiment. This poem is fiction and the fact that I presented it well from someone who really knows means a lot to me. Thank you.


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations on the gold, you have outdone yourself, this is absolutely beautiful. Thank you.

    Love
    Sue


  • cricketjeff gold member
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    After this poem's accidental removal and reinstatement it is good to be able to comment on it. Delicious subtle internal rhyme and simply wonderful meter in a perfectly formed ottava rima. The doubly sad message, a double loss for a religious mother, being robbed of her baby's life and in the eyes of her church of any chance of meeting in an afterlife.
    So this is Goodbye writ large. In a very strong field this poem was a clear winner on both judges' cards.
    Terrific poetry and Sue and I both want to thank you for your participation in this contest and both series of challenges we have run. There will be new contests coming, so please watch out for them.
    All the best and thanks again,

    Jeff and Sue

  • ecrivain01
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Yes ...

    this is a particularly poignant poem, and deals with a particularly difficult subject. I'd say you've done a great job with this. It's hard for me to say much on this subject, as I'm not really feeling up to commenting just now, but I'd say you've written a very insightful poem in any case.


  • trekkergirl
    September 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! This is a wonderful read here. Very intense emotions are felt when I read this. Your imagery is wonderful. And the story flows very well. I would just love to read a whole lot more just like this one. Goodjob


  • loveisfreedom
    September 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    Paints an emasculate tapestry and is so true its appalling to believe a child thee most precious of children would go to hell! Good job

  • Eusebius
    September 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Most marvelously controlled and breathless, brilliantly understated, and a gorgeous poem! I loved it!


  • Swangrnv gold member
    September 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Very touching

    very sad, very wonderfully penned.


  • TabbyCat
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is not only excellent in rhyme, meter, and word-choice, it also conveys deep sorrow and a righteous anger at a religious dogma which has no place in Scripture. God's grace is not so fickle that He would condemn a soul to hell simply because a body had not been baptized. Salvation is based on what Christ did for us, not on something WE do. God granting grace and mercy to those who have no chance to accept Him is in keeping with all of what Scripture teaches about His nature.

    That being said...I think many people believe in this out of ignorance or fear..I don't think they have malicious intentions.

  • portabello-anjo
    September 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    deep.. and very touching.. im speechless..


  • no longer a member
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very alarming piece.

    Imagine a crowd even bothering to pretend to grieve. How utterly hypocritical.

    A near perfect ottava rima, with sad sad feelings.

    I hope you do well with this poem. ~Bramble


  • JohnnyD gold member
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Excellence personified

    What is written from the heart
    Should never be judged by
    Any constraints, much less “rules”.

    That is exactly why I adore you Amera
    As you are much like me in that you
    Write from your heart and your beliefs.

    It is also the reason I rarely enter contests
    As my writes rarely, indeed, if ever
    Constitute what is set for in the rules.

    But that is perfectly fine with me
    As I seek not trophies, rather my own
    Expressions sans other’s “rules”

    Besides, I am not a Poet
    Rather an Emotive Expressionist
    And I shall never change.

    And neither should you.



    dad


  • PainOfTwig
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This hit home for me. I had a really bad miscariage quite a few years ago. I was really young so I was kinda glad about it, but it's also my only regret. And only a couple people knew back then. Now, the more people who know, the more weird looks and shit that happens. And now alot of my friends are having kids, and it's really hard for me.

    So thank you, so much, this poem is abosolutly beautiful and touching in a way you have no idea.


  • rhondasail
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like the contrasts of the deep love and grief of a heartbroken mother which gives me a sense of bright light, and the callous judgement of the crowd that reflects the slate grey of the sky and shows a closed spirit. I do love dark poetry and this is one I can really connect with. For me, that makes it a great write. I can't speak to the form in any 'professional' capacity, but my ears tell me it is near perfect, as most all of your writes are. Very best wishes in the contest, and for what an opinion is worth...you have made goodbye totally felt in this poem, in my opinion Peace, Rhonda


    • Amera gold member
      September 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for the wonderful comment and reading my poem.


  • Gold Hat
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I can see that you have worked very, very hard on this poem. It shows. I am in two minds about the ending rhymes in the first stanza. I could wish that the pattern was repeated throughout. But that in itself is not a weakness, and the -ain and -aining sounds made it seem like the sound of someone keening in grief, which is appropriate. I wonder - was that deliberate?

    I hope you have success with this.

    • Amera gold member
      September 4, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much. Yes it was deliberate; I tried to ad an intonation of impact. It seems I got a lot of flak for it.

      • Gold Hat
        September 4, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Well I have read through the comments, and I wouldn't exactly call them "flak". You took a chance with a device which which was designed to express discomfort. We should never be surprised when something doesn't quite come off as we had wished. As I understand this site, it is a place for experiment. Believe me, in my time I have read much worse poetry than yours - much, much worse.

        Looking down the list of reviews I can see that everyone who has commented, favourably, unfavourably, or in between, would be fairly considered a friend of yours. My further guess is that all comments were meant well and not as "flak" at all. I think you are a lucky young woman. (I hope you don't find that patronising, it wasn't meant to be.)


  • LunaAmara
    September 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is beautiful. It's full of pain and I really love the structure of it!
    Great write!

  • wendymolly
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    horrifica in all it's every depth!!!! babies not given the same opportunity to go to heaven, but in my heart I know ...all babies go to heaven.


  • Symphony
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing; no other words - even half way through the poem, I was still thinking that it was her own funeral that she was watching, and attending in spirit rather than physical standing body [seeing as she was dead] - and it wasn't until the last line that the power of the poem as a work completely hit me. Fantastic rhyhming scheme also; you've got my vote on this one - really enjoyed it!


  • Emerald-Spirit
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sad and dark, just as I like it. I loved the whole poem, especially the ending. One of the best that I have ever read actually. Xds-gX

  • xJustifiablyMex
    September 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This poem has a good, solid and deeply felt storyline that will touch the hearts of many who read it, but I do have to agree with a previous commentor...the first 6 lines all having the same "ai" sound for the end rhyme are a little too much for that stanza, especially when the same rhyming isn't applied to the rest of the poem. For the most part, this flowed really well, but in some places the inner rhyme fell on the fourth syllable and in others, the fifth and for me at least, it hindered the flow somewhat. Overall, a good poem.

    Just Me


  • ShannonLea
    September 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Fantastic rhym.
    Very touching story
    ~cheers


  • gllarso
    September 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Powerful!!

    That is very sad...I can feel the pain and anguish in your words...the disdain that the onlookers feel...very good and descritive poem.


  • Kappa Pyua
    September 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is very sad. I feel the emotion and see these people who judge what they know not. What form is this, is it new? The flow was incredible as always. Thanks for sharing. UNT


  • Tirrell
    September 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A darkly beautiful and moving poem, as for the notes, there are reasons why we say some lack the common sense, yet I belive all souls go to where they are bound.

  • carole21
    September 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    nicely penned . . sad write though . . liked "she tried to inhale and fought to stay sane" and "a life torn apart with no reason why" . . good luck in the contest . .


  • Beyond-Remembering
    September 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful poem. So sad but so important. Love the rhyme very well written. Kudos


  • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
    September 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hit a certain spot in my heart so I can not leave too deep a comment but I do love this!


  • anaisnais
    September 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Such a sad piece! Very well written, and overall holds it own! You have great way with words....


  • Swan song gold member
    September 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my the ending was intense and horridly sad!
    But well written through and through like all your poetry. A beautfiul flow and good story which I may add isnot easy to do when writing in verse, but because you write in so many forms I think it gives you the ability to simply find the right form the the thoughts or storys you wnt to express or tell


  • Joan-of-Arc
    September 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ~
    so sad...

    -joan.

    .

  • cricketjeff gold member
    September 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is NOT the judges comment, it is an explanation of the "prewrite" the poem was written explicitly for this contest.
    Removed and re-entered after a misunderstanding all round.
    As with all poems in the contest proper comment will come at judging time.

    • Amera gold member
      September 2, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I apologize for the misunderstanding. After your explanation and a half dozen private IM’s I reentered the poem.


  • Ariosto II. gold member
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    By and large Amera, Europeans in their skinny shoes and foolish cigarettes are not all that they're cracked up to be.
    ;-)

    Keep up the rhyming, don't stop, you have a solid base of support.
    poetry like modern art will not appeal to everyone, you find your audience, that's what counts


    • Mairi bheag gold member
      September 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hey! If you don't mind, my remarks to my AP sister were meant kindly and constructively!


  • freebutsafe
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I thought this showed a lot of emotion. it is raw but easy to read. A sad loss, but very clear. Thank-you for sharing.


  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    My mother had an experience with a preacher once. The preacher said he would not baptize my sister unless she swore she would read to the child for 1 hour every day from the bible, enrol the child in catholic school and the whole family attend church every Sunday. Needless to say my parents could not promise such things so left her unbaptized. The preachers reaction was to tell them promptly that 'all children go to heaven anyway' I don't understand why you removed this from the contest, nor why Europeans do not enjoy the obvious talent you provide. I loved the impact rhyme and this deserves a trophy, if not a coloured on then rest assured it was gold for me. Best to you.


  • Dalaney gold member
    September 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I would not have removed this. I can't understand why the judge would agree to it! Lane


  • alpPDCjr12
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think the poem is great, and represents your sorrow accurately. However, I think it's absurd to ridicule people for their beliefs based only on those beliefs. I hope you have a logical thought process for this like "God is utterly compassionate; Injuring babies shows a lack of compassion; therefore God doesn't injure babies; therefore Babies go to heaven." I find it annoying when people question a belief basically by saying "Oh my god, how can you believe that? THAT isn't very nice." I think this acts as a good portrayal of the pain that this illogical belief can cause people, and it is a good inspiration for showing people what is logical (or at least less illogical). That's why it means something important to me, because it represents the truth and through it an escape from pain, what I consider to be two of the noblest causes there are.


  • PassionsPromise gold member
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this was deep and my eyes filled with tears

    wonderful job penning..

    love you

    Passions


  • malmadre gold member
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A heartrending story! my opinion, the rhyme is flawless.
    Thanks to you, I learn more of poetry every time I read your wonderful work. The poem builds with suffering and grief until that culmination of the worst kind of sorrow ever, the loss of a child. You definitely brought this.


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow.. that is heartwrenching sis! You have told this tale brilliantly.. the emotion is so raw! It's ridiculous that people believe that when infants should never be baptised anyway.. how is that consenting? Sigh.. but I won't get into a religious debate lol

    I will just say that your poem is stunning in its sadness!



  • Rovingone gold member
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    How frightening is that? What a dismal thought, that a innocent baby has no life and is forever cast into limbo. Your poem captures the anxiety of it all so perfectly.


  • echo-ink
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Amera,

    This hit home with me. My sister had a baby that died, and it has been years and she stills cries for her baby, Monique.
    The religious belief that babies who die do not go to heaven is a horror in itself. Of course they will. Religion takes a lot of liberty's with the doctrines they teach. This is a blatant false teaching that is cruel to the utmost. I can't even imagine living with such a cruel belief about an innocent baby.

    The poem itself was beautiful and powerful and will touch the hearts of everyone who reads it, and will bring comfort to those who might investigate their beliefs because of it. God bless you for this awesome poem, and good luck in the contest. Love Bell,

  • Mairi bheag gold member
    September 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This has AMERA written all over it. Which means it's "not bad"

    I am going to pick at a couple of things. Firstly - and this is just personal taste, so no need to worry about it - I think the male and female rhymes in the first six lines are too assonant for comfort; I would have liked to seen the stressed syllables less similar. Secondly, in British usage (I don't know about American, so please excuse me), one can't use "laid" in that context, it would have to be "lay".

    Apart from that, you took me for the whole ride, right from the vivid first line. You get bunnies!

    • Amera gold member
      September 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you my dear meanest sister. Now I have no chance in the contest. I don’t think you know the work it takes to compose a three stanza poem with internal rhyme. I wish I didn't have to remove this from the contest.

      • Mairi bheag gold member
        September 1, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Sister, OF COURSE you don't have to remove it from the contest! Why on earth should you? Certainly not on my say-so, and I advised no such thing. It's a good, competitive poem, and should stay in the contest.


    • PerVirtuous
      September 1, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      I disagree with the first part of your analysis and feel compelled to say so. I think the use of rhyming accented syllables in all six of the first lines and all rhyming with 'pain' and 'rain' paints a subconscious picture of despair. I think it is an excellent beginning.

      • Mairi bheag gold member
        September 1, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        That's your prerogative. I just gave a personal reaction. Reading it again, bearing your point in mind, however, I can see what you mean; though I am not convinced entirely.

        It remains a fine piece of work, all the same.


  • StarEyes
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sis,

    What a great job you did on this one! My God-Children are being baptized in the next few months, and well, I had never really given that much thought till now. I guess sometimes, the different beliefs in religions are noticable.

    What a wonderful read this one is! Kinda reminds me of my foster neice that died at nine months of age. What a bitter sweet day that was for me. You did a great job on this one!

    Best of luck in this contest!

    and love

    Nyetta


  • LadyLavender gold member
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful Amera, yes I know of this belief...i grew up catholic and baptism is a ritual that is undeniably enforced. I remember when my son was born and how I waited four years to baptize him...why did I wait so long I guess i was being a rebel without a cause. During that time my mom a devout catholic, drove me completely crazy everyday till the day he was baptized.

  • PerVirtuous
    September 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You have reached for my hartstrings and twisted them so hard my nipples hurt! Wow. I guess you wanted a goodbye with an impact! I feel impacted! This is just a superbly written Ottive Rima and tells a brilliant story in a brilliant way. I love how you leave that it was a baby to the very end. I don't know if I am more sad because of the content or happy because I got to appreciate its beauty. You are one of a kind. Here are three bunnies dressed in black.

1 - 61 of 61