she wants a fixer-upper
Love hurts less when
he is already
broken
from shingled roofs
she carved a path
where swallowed rain
had tread:
his laughter;
she opened windows
& ragged light shone
through.
it was like paint
on her nails;
absent-minded beauty
no one took time to notice
what was she crying for?
she scoured his halls
and longed
to redecorate herself
within
shuddering creak -
unease -
her silent comfort
with him at least
she could feel that way
together.
A contest entry
- Your Maverick Prewrites . . . by RatherImaginative.
925 points, ended October 16, 2008, 67 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Review Desired.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Congrats ...
on the shiny trophy.
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The poem does not mention specifically whether he welcomes her redecorating. Does he perhaps feel that she is intruding where she has no right? This is a wonderfully descriptive piece, and I like it how it begs the reader to dig more deeply within its lines. Thanks so much for entering my contest!
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i have to say i do like the title.
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This kind of felt a little empty -
I think with stronger imagery, this one would have blown me away - because there is enough emotion in here as a solid base.
Even as it is, good poem.
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Awesome
Brilliant metaphorical piece
Wonderful word choice as well
You have amazing tallent
Very creative title to blend in with the poem
Keep your quill flowing
Take care
Peace
David
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You have a knack for wielding punctuation even though I have started to hate it...
I love that your title isn't mentioned anywhere in your poem--I think titles are groovier that way.
"the absent-minded beauty
no one took time to notice"
I think these 2 lines could be reversed in order...or "no one took time to notice" could be reworded, because it sounds very strange to me, flow-wise.
But then...my ears are different from everybody else's.
I love the way you used 'within' in the sixth stanza--& I love the word 'within', so take it as a fat, sweaty compliment...hahaha.
I think the ending works really well, even if it is extremely predictable.
Jessica
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