A street in any town.
Tar runs black
in gutters
of disrepair
and nonchalant pride.
A girl sways by
summer skirt
swinging against
tanned legs
so beautiful
they make your
heart ache.
The cigarette butt
of lunch time
indulgence
spins from her hand
out onto an
asphalt river.
A raised eyebrow
flicks once in my
direction with
studied indifference.
Such are the rules we
play by!
The post office clock
strikes one.
She moves on.
Work waits in
a small office
down behind the
cluttered rows
of shops and pubs,
cafes and salons
catering for
all kinds of
vanity.
Same time tomorrow?
my eyes ask
of her back,
as she saunters off.
She glances back once
in delicious
acquiescence.
That’s good enough
for me.
I’ll be here again
tomorrow
and the next day.
In a list
A contest entry
- Imagery by owlish.
900 points, ended September 25, 2008, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poem of the Year - POY - by Bear by Arkbear.
12500 points, ended January 1, 41 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - IN MY LITTLE TOWN by condor.
1700 points, ended January 16, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 51 of 51
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Love the little drama of this...and the telling of our natures. You told us a story with just the right details so that readers can put themselves as the characters. So nicely done.
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A delightful read that had me intrigued. I read this a number of times before commenting here. You certainly showed me a side of your town that really I think could be likened to any, but you portrayed in it a flavour that was so peaceful and dreamlike. The vision that you planter in my head really made me think....and smile. Very well done indeed. Thank you for entering the contest.
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Hello ~
I was right there with you as you penned each L.....you have a gift of visual & imagery ~
You have movement going on in this write and that is something I enjoy very much......you took me some place, even though he didn't seem to go any place.....except in his imagination....hehe ~
I think you have a good chance at scoring well....I do not agree with most of my other Judges, as I believe this is gorgeous and thought out as in stage rights for playwrite winners ~
Good luck with this....you have a gift...keep it up....God bless,
Bear ~
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Aloha and welcome to POY!
I love little snippets of life...and this is really well penned, however....it falls into the "love" category...
Thus making the theme a very common one.
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
Remember: No editing once a judge has commented. -
This is superb!
Observational poetry at its very best and I have no trouble seeing the theme!!! Your language and poetry is first rate, I am known as a big fan of meter and rhyme but have no argument with this being pure poetry.
This is one of my poems of the year regardless of any contest judging
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Hi, and welcome
I had to read the conversation between you and Mystal to know what the theme was, and while well-written, the subject-matter wasn't my cup of tea. Even so, your amazing vocab definitely won me over in the end. Well done, and good luck!
Laura
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Hi there and welcome to the POY as I did find this interesting it is a theme that I have seen before on here but non the less good write. Remember no editing once a judge had commented your work
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what is the theme?
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A scene from the movie of life?
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Hi
I read this when you first wrote it and bookmarked it. one of my favorites by you.
it plays in my head like a scene from a western (: -
not that your others arent good, but man, that is some great writing
laughed hard at 'thats good enough for me'
it seems your 3 clap average isnt just saccharin support
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love the second stanza!
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Great, felt like I was the guy watching the girl...so much feeling...
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wow!
it's like watching that scene play out frame by frame by frame
brilliant
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The first line cleverly invites the reader to not stretch to see a particular town but a particular scenario which may occur anywhere.
You set the pace for how hot it is by mentioning the tar running, succintly imbuing imagery , a societal statement with the disrepair, and the fetid heat filled atmosphere.Especially liked the way you wove in indifference/indulgence and acquiescence, you paced the anticipation and the unspoken word thoughts. A poetic interlude inside the seams of the measure of a man's thoughts turned by ankles and anchoring him via the ultimate prize of possibilities...
Your writing has matured like a fine wine dear Poet. Kudos.
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Wow something to wake up and look forward too! I think i like the character in this poem, he's such a guy. Lol
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What a way to keep you waiting.
I love all of the description. Ir inspires such a clear mental picture. I also love how you convey the way she has him wrapped around her finger.
Very bold.
Bravo!
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This may be your town, but you paint a scene that could really be any town, in any country. Nicely penned!
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Reminds me of an old movie , They were better you know, the ones from the forties and fifties when so much was said from a tilt of the head. The way a woman looked at a man and the look returned, her clothes were beautiful. I saw Bogart and Hepburn her jaunty walk and his thoughts. Ah John give us more I want more do not stop my movie here!
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your words place the reader right there in your street.... many such scenes played out all over the world, lol. Nicely written, John.
~ Nicolette
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like the story and the flow...That’s good enough
for me.,,,
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Your opening stanza draws the reader into this poetry, and makes them want to know more about "Your Town". I chuckled at the thought that you'll make sure to catch that glimpse;
"summer skirt
swinging against
tanned legs"
again tomorrow. LOL
The imagery brought me inside your world, as I took a walk along side you, but I noticed the tall, dark gentleman with the cigar. LOL
Excellent work!
Much Love ♥
Renee
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love this one hon... maybe coz it reminds me of me lol. another brill piece... i got court fer shane tomoz then me monday so will b busy but will still try to get back fer messages,
love,
georgie,
xxx -
Brilliant
As a newcomer to All Poets I must say your poem is great,the use of the words cigarette butt of lunch time,asphalt river and post office clock could be the setting of any Australian movie scene of a sultry rural town and a clandestine lovers regular rendevous,brilliant -
Brilliant, I love this! You seem to have just caught all of these moments in a collection of snapshots almost like a movie montage. All it needs is a good music backing track. I think it would make a great video! The use of language is simple yet precise, nothing overstated. Just enough to get the imagination to do its job. (I think I know that girl LOL)
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Reading the comments below, I see you have touched a chord in their hearts....and, in mine. This poem is written simply and with absolute freshness - "same time tomorrow?" Yes, poet, you can bet on it Love, Lane
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Hi John,
I love this one...excellent work..
..
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A girl sways by
summer skirt
swinging against
tanned legs
so beautiful
they make your
heart ache.
The cigarette butt
of lunch time
indulgence
spins from her hand
out onto an
asphalt river.
loved these lines...urbanity commented impeccabily.thanks for sharing.people would relate to this.pls visit my poetry and offer comments. -
Just loved the part "She glances back once in delicious acquiesence" ...my kind of town,dream of lunch time rendevous like such...if only we lived in an ideal dream hey?
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wow i could TOTALLY relate to this, it was scary. completely amazing poem. what town is this?
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wow this... this is reallly impressive!A raised eyebrow
flicks once in my
direction with
studied indifference. Thats really impressive there.
I loved this. It makes me feel.... different and alive.
Bookmarked!
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great
Loved this - I wrote a poem with the same title, sent me scurrying in for a look. All sounded good to me -
Great story. Great flow and unique use of rhyme. I have nothing negative to say...maybe because it's somewhat similar to my own style, hahaah.
I just loved the nostalgic essence. It made me happy and sad at the same time. I was trying to ick out a section that I really liked the most to quote here, but I would have had to post the whole thing!
Thank you so much for shoring, I enjoyed this....
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A well captured scene of one passing moment. I like the use of "studied indifference" and also "She glances back once / in delicious / acquiescence.
as those lines create the mood so well. A lighter piece than those of recent but done with the same depth of emotion.
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I really like this you naughty boy. Voyeurism in your small town - I wish! I think that the two "flicks" are too close together and weaken the flow.
catering for
all kinds of
vanity.
is just delicious. For me this simple poem (simple??) has a "Chandleresque" feel to it in its clear picture. Well done poet.
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That is VERY good, very very good!
So true of so many city lives, Superb!!!
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Your work amazes me, but this is different ... this I loved. Your images are crystal clear as are your thoughts. This I shall read again and again. Bookmarked.
Suzie Q
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I love this!
The imagery is fantastic John and i'm amazed by how much I can relate to this very scene right now, at this time in my life. Sometimes it pays off to go back tomorrow and the next day.
Excellent write my friend.
Annie
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Good job!!!
Seems like every town... Thank you for sharing.
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Good stuff! I see your town through your eyes, observed and preserved. Eyes lock, and the world changes. Well done, poet!
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Very very good. Being male and way past my prime I can relate to this one personally. Apart from that it is well written and describes any country town in almost any country.
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as always you are best at what you see, know and feel when it comes to written words...
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Okay, I love this too:
She glances back once
in delicious
acquiescence.
That’s good enough
for me.
-babe, thanks for this treat today
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You can be rather sexy sometimes. You make me weepy with these smooth thoughts.....
I so love this part:
"Work waits in
a small office
just down the
cluttered rows
of shops and pubs,
cafes and salons
catering for
all kinds of
vanity."
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I'd get rid of the period after 'tomorrow' and get rid of both ellipse. I'd say, go bare bones and leave off a period after 'next day'... but you use periods throughout the poem, so i think it my throw the flow off. So, maybe just nix the period after 'tomorrow' and add it after 'day'
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Thanks! I think you are right. I appreciate the help.
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De nada
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lol! This is a really good observational poem. I just love that genre of writing-and I loveeee this . Although, I'm not sure how I feel about the 'book-end' ellipse on the last line
great stuff here.
Meg
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Would you just do away with them. Or have a totally different ending?
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lol Watching the girls go by is a great lunchtime pastime
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good
I really enjoyed this
good work
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