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Feeding Upon Berries of Hope

Kiss life with a fury

like the call of the wild

I am their prey

Beneath the moonlight I shall hurry

scurry to be free, I smiled

as I find my way

Mountains aren’t steep enough

no valley too low

where I can’t find the trail

that can lead me through all of

the mystery that life shall bestow.

Feeding upon berries of hope

I shall recover from the threats

of all trials marked forbidden

Unleashed, unchained, I roam to cope,

fierceness and determination finds freedoms outlets

Within the fields of flowers, I’m free

attentive and alive, yet satisfied

None can make a prisoner of this being

Mystery unraveled, revealing life’s decree

Earn it by marching through, strong, powerful...electrified.

Like animals we fight for all we need

becoming viciously attacked by others

loyalty remains a struggle, attacks, a war.

Upon the promises of faith we feed

and rise above whatever defeated another...

united in kingdom, we fight daily to recover...

Morsels of insults tossed down, by hands of the enemy.

 

 

Author notes

POM
Theme: Life struggles, through animals eyes vs humans, we face the same battle, to run and defend or be eaten by life.
interesting enough.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • Swan song gold member
    September 12, 2008

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    Mountains aren’t steep enough

    no valley too low

    where I can’t find the trail

    that can lead me through all of

    the mystery that life shall bestow.


    This was my fav stanza in this poem.
    Overall I liked the deep contemplative flavor of this


  • nature
    September 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Forgetting the last two lines.

    You have a beautiful poem from the heart, free in true aroma of a women who rules the world in her beauty.

    There is also a painful joy, as one fights in animal raw love, to win or loose in defeat.

    It is the evil in us that is the real enemy and we must check our selves to really defeat the devil.


  • trista gold member
    September 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi Tory, and welcome back to the POM

    You've brought us a very nice poem this month and I'm frankly a little lost on what I can even say that Bear and Bunny haven't covered. I will say one of the things I liked best about this was the alliterations and other play with vowels that was so subtle, I had to go back a couple of times before I found them. I think that speaks very highly of your rhyming.

    My scores will be in the final notes, and I'm going to let them speak the rest... Thanks so much for joining us, and I hope you are doing well.

    Good Luck and Best Wishes,
    ~J.
    Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies are handed out.


  • Cupcrazy gold member
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi there,
    A very nice piece with a very subtle rhyme scheme and nice imagery. Some of your lines are a little long, so they tend to break the poetic tone a bit, you also need to use more punctuation, allow the reader to relax and enjoy each of the images instead of racing through them with no place to really pause and reflect.
    Other than that a very nice write
    My scores will reflect my thoughts on the individual areas of your write:

    Title 9.9...I would click on this Title...very fitting and enticing.
    Flow 9.75....wonderfully penned, watch the line length and wordiness.
    Depth 9.75....excellent depth...
    Theme 9.45..good just not very unique -
    Feelings 9.75...very good emotion in this piece.
    Grammar 9.7....nice job here.
    Presentation 9.65....pretty good but watch your tone and line lengths.
    Uncommonness 9.25...nice....but looking for more creativity -
    Sit & Ponder Affect 9.7...I did ponder,
    Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
    Cupcrazy’s Score: 96.9
    Nice!
    No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~



  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, I didn't notice this rhymed until Bear mentioned it - that means its not forced at all. Very nice. The "that" in final line of 2nd stanza is not necessary.

    Otherwise, a great sustained metaphor!

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi there and welcome to the pom
    First off I have seen this theme
    done beofre but I think
    that you did a great job with it and
    gave it your own flare
    which is a good thing to
    me this was an enjoyable
    read not much to say
    about it you did an amazing job
    my score will appear
    with my end notes
    best wishes and much luck.


  • Arkbear gold member
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hello Tory

     

    Bring *smiled* back into present tense ~

     

    2nd stanza....repeating *that* sure breaks that beautiful poetic Tone real quick ~

     

     

    *attentive and alive....*yet* satisfied?

     

    *attentive, alive *and* satisfied*

     

    *marching through* ; *

     strong, powerful...electrified

     

    *Like animals?*

     

    *As like* animals....COMMA.... ~

     

    Ok.....loved this write Tory.....not as creative as I believe you can pen, yet, when you take on a personal Theme, you take the risk of losing Creativity, and you fall over into the Prose' Tone.....but....this is not bad......at all ~

     

    Some of your lines did tend to get wordy....length is crucial to your Tone ~

     

    I, on the other hand, enjoyed your Rhyming scheme...  *Bear hushes Grizzy* .....just enough to bring creativity into your pressentation and Poetic voice ~

     

    There is not much to critique here.....but....I do, suggest, you take your time with your Tone......commas are needed all throughout this write......and the reason I say this, is because of the nature of this write.......I, feel, as though you need to slooooow me down.......and how many times have you heard me say this?

     

    However, you seem to forget it everytime I receive your entry

     

    You shall only be hit with a small deduction in Flow......from me......so I am anxious to see how your other Judges review this entry ~

     

     

    Thank you Tory for entering......I hope you are doing well this week.....we have you on our Prayer list here at my home....and even though a lot of people know of your prayer needs, I did not want to reveal more than I should on AP

     

    God bless you and good luck!

     

    Bear ~

     

     

    Title   10.....most perfect Title I have seen here yet  -

    Flow   9.95..beautifully penned ....watch out for wordy lines -

    Depth   9.85....good depth.... -

    Theme   9.25..great Theme....a tad personal for fresh creativity -

    Feelings   9.65....stanza of all the same length are a no-no......for me....you should know this from me ...personification is perfect -

    Grammar   9.75....nice job...beautiful as I said already -

    Presentation 9.35....watch out for common stanzas....get creative! -

    Uncommonness  9.15...nice....but looking for more creativity  -

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.4...I did ponder, but pretty straigh-forward -

    Ability to follow Rules  10...prefect from what I can tell -

    Bears Score:  96.35

    Nice job Tory

    No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~

    Missing you over at Praise and Prayer

     

     

     

     


  • Griswold
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm not sure I like the un-rhymed line in all the stanzas, threw the poem off for me. Good take on the prompt though, best of luck sweetheart. I love you...Scott


  • Cannonsfire
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is powerful poetess but knowing you I would have expected nothing less from a strong and courageous woman such as you! C


  • The Drifter
    September 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A powerful write--if you become the animal then humans become your prey. If attacked by humans you launch an attack that is so brutal tthat you leave some humans badly hurt and bleeding and the others afraid to even speak. Then you are left alone to live free. No mercy expected--none given.
    bw


  • cricketjeff gold member
    August 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Strong imagery and passionate penning!
    Great stuff

  • mcfreeman
    August 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Great write.....

    strong metaphor...well done.

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