I grip the sheets, and close my eyes
Take a breath honey; it’ll be all right.
I feel the tears ooze from my tired eyes
The doctors say they’re not sure this time
In goes the needle, out goes the pain.
Flashes of the things I would lose;
My mouth tastes bitter from the sedative
And I pray for the rain.
I pray for the rain to cleanse my soul of what it can’t hold
I pray to a God who I can’t see anymore.
I feel so angry and cheated from a life I thought was mine
Twelve hours; I’m admitted, and my entire world divides.
Mommy, please take my pain away…
I can’t do it anymore; I can’t live this way
I’m always sick, and I worry you so;
I’m sorry that I’m so weak, I’ll try and be strong, I promise
If I can make it through this, I’ll hold on forever, regardless.
I feel everything falling away, alcohol slices through my skin
The pressure of the cuff, sharp; my pulse recedes again.
I hold on for you this time, and a future I can’t see…
I hold on you you, and you alone…To your belief in me.
Author notes
I wrote this after a trip to the hospital and a very bad scare. I also know this may not necessarily meet the criteria, but I was asked to share, so here is my piece.
Written: 8/31/08
Theme: Life, Death; Uncertainty.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended September 2, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What'd ya think?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Hi there, and welcome to the POM
This is a piece I can relate to on many levels, having dealt with medical problems of one kind or another most of my life. You have some very good descriptions and emotions running through the write, so the main things I'd like to see you work on are poetic tone and finding a unique theme to write on.
I have just a couple of suggestions beyond what my co-judges have
In L2, since it appears to be a spoken passage, it seemed like it should either be in italics or set in parenthesis.
This left me with a lot of questions about the outcome, which is always a little frustrating, but it held my interest really well and made for a good lasting impression. I think I'll let my scoreboard speak the rest.
Thanks so much for your entry, and I hope we'll see you again soon.
Good Luck and Best Wishes,
~J.
Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies are handed out.
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Powerful, emotional poem with good rhyme.
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Hi there,
very nice piece although I too prefer the left align. This tended to read as more prose-ish than poetic, but it was frilled with power and emotion which served to carry it through quite well My scores will reflect my thoughts on the other areas of your write:
Title 9.0...I wouldn't click on this Title...didn't captivate me in any way.
Flow 9.70....flowed fine but watch your line lengths and your poetic tone
Depth 9.75....good depth
Theme 9.25..very common Theme....read similar, but your approach is unique -
Feelings 9.85...excellent..your emotion seeped through this one.
Grammar 9.7....nice job here.
Presentation 9.55....not a fan of center align, a personal thing I guess.
Uncommonness 9.00...not an uncommon theme.... looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.5...I did ponder, but more-so about your writer and the trials endured.
Ability to follow Rules 9.65...prefect from what I can tell except for not putting POM in the author's notes.
Cupcrazy’s Score: 94.95
Nice!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
-
Hi and welcome to the Pom
First off let me say
that this is not very original
but it has touched me
it reminds me of when my daughter was born
she was a 32 weeker preemie and she was in the
hospital for such a long time there were days that we were not
sure what tomorrow would hold for her.Every day was a fight
with tubes and machines and blood pressure cuffs
around her tiny leg and all the times she was so mad
at the tubes being up her nose
she had pulled them out many of times
I dont think I have ever prayed so hard
in my life then the night I first saw my daughter
someone so tiny and helpless fighting to live in
a body that was not quite ready for the world
but she did she made it a fighter she has always been
and soon she will be 9 I look back at all the
bad things and each day I get greeted
with a I love you Mommy the greatest gift that I have
is her in my life .I do think that this is a well written piece
I do not like that it is centered aligned though but
other then that great write I think
my score will appear
with my end notes
best wishes and much luck.
-
Hello :)
Let me left-align for my brain to flow better.... :)
It's a ME thing ~
I grip the sheets, and close my eyes
Take a breath honey; it’ll be all right.
I feel the tears ooze from my tired eyes
The doctors say they’re not sure this time
In goes the needle, out goes the pain.
Flashes of the things I would lose;
My mouth tastes bitter from the sedative
And I pray for the rain.
I pray for the rain to cleanse my soul of what it can’t hold
I pray to a God who I can’t see anymore.
I feel so angry and cheated from a life I thought was mine
Twelve hours; I’m admitted, and my entire world divides.
Mommy, please take my pain away…
I can’t do it anymore; I can’t live this way
I’m always sick, and I worry you so;
I’m sorry that I’m so weak, I’ll try and be strong, I promise
If I can make it through this, I’ll hold on forever, regardless.
I feel everything falling away, alcohol slices through my skin
The pressure of the cuff, sharp; my pulse recedes again.
I hold on for you this time, and a future I can’t see…
I hold on you you, and you alone…To your belief in me.Last line...*you you*
....alright.....gosh, another perfect example of how a Poet can take a common Theme and place such Power and Impact into it....bravo!
I am not a fan of common Themes....however, when you pen it thids good, I can not help but take a second and thrid look at it, and find all sorts of emotion and self recognition iside....wonerful job!
I do enjoy a middle-align, as it ruins the Flow............for me.............but after left-aligning this entry, I was intrigued all the wat through ~
You have a gift.....you are talented and I hope we see you back again ~
Next time, I hope you bring out your Creativity quil and show us the other sidee of your talents :0
Thank youso very much for entering....God bless you, and if you ever need prayer.....contact me here..>>>>
http://allpoetry.com/group/show/Praise%20and%20Prayer
Good luck!
Bear ~
Title 9.0...I would not want to click on this Title unless I wanted to read about this genre.-
Flow 9.65..beautifully penned, but headed toward prose' Tone....almost :) -
Depth 9.8....good depth....-
Theme 8.9....common Theme -
Feelings 10....personification is perfect -
Grammar 9.9....nice job...beautiful as I said already -
Presentation 8.8....not a fan of center-align.....it's a Me thing -
Uncommonness 9.15...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.5...I did ponder, but more-so about your write itself -
Ability to follow Rules 9.75....don't forget POM in your AN next time :) -
Bears Score: 94.45
Nice job :)
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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