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intimate

 

 

 

 

 
an impatient voice
alone
 
stuck between sheets
at the back of her throat
 
walks into the Sun
to meet herself at centre-
burning down
 
as names pause at edge
of tongue to ponder
 
is an old word remembered
larger or smaller
than a new one forgotten?

 

 

 

 

this puzzle

becomes her most

intimate

 

redemption,

 

kidnaps his sky

then waits for a debt

to settle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Edits: 1

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think (Critical Honesty Appreciated)

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    September 5, 2008

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    Congratulations on the silver here. Excellent work. I loved that last stanza that put such a punch into this piece. I wanted to BE there. Well done. ~Pamela


  • Luna Tique Fringe
    September 4, 2008

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    I really love this, wish I could applaud again. Congratulations


  • Allyce May gold member
    September 1, 2008
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  • Luna Tique Fringe
    September 1, 2008
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    the first three stanzas are an excellent intro to the last ones...which are off the charts. this one has really gotten under my skin.


  • Randomly Beautiful
    September 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    kidnaps his sky

    then waits for a debt

    to settle




  • aliceramone
    August 31, 2008

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    great use of metaphors and language throughout...a great end, masterful....gracias por entrar este poema y buena suerte en el concourso.


  • LettersFromtheSky
    August 31, 2008

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    A promiscuous write for an affair with isolation
    In all seriousness though, this is a really good poem. Hmm..I was thinking about the words 'burning down' as that is what stood out to me the most.... to explain my train of thought here: When something burns it creates ash, so I was kind of thinking that maybe the ending would read better as

    'kidnaps his sky
    then waits for a debt
    to settle as ash.'

    I think it would work. However, I think I fail to grasp your meaning behind this poem as it seems very personal and I'm too tired to really think or do an in depth analysis. lol. As to your question in the poem, I think I'll sit on the fence and say that an old word is remembered, but learning new ones is good too Probably doesn't help you in getting out of your puzzle though. I think you did a good job penning this poem, and hope you win a trophy. I don't see how you couldn't. As soon as I have points, I'll give you an applause ^^.


  • Dalaney gold member
    August 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    striking! I pondered over the prompt and now I will simply sit back and enjoy your accolades No way do I want to go up against a write like this. Love, Lane


  • Fug-azi
    August 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hell girl you rock!


  • Heart Sutra
    August 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Excellent.


  • iverbthenoun
    August 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow... that's what i said... wow after reading the ending who writes "kidnaps his sky" forgodssake... i want your brain!!!

1 - 11 of 11