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A long overdue burial

I catch a feeling

that wraps around bone

and settles between empty spaces

seemingly a life time away

in another universe

 

in the bend of rhythm

you crawled under rib cage

and became conversations

with an expiration date rapidly approaching

 

my air was constricted

with you there

in observation of scratches

that whisper prayers

while music births

acoustic emotions

nine shades of blue

where only grief exists

 

I walked with loaded words

in a natural balance

comfortably numb

belting bible verses

from rooftops

as I spring from ashes

in screams of hallelujah

 

 

 

constant takes practice

even when shit smells

 

 

 

I never knew

down was so far

and when I hit it

reflections splattered

along river banks

I searched for everything I could

to blame you

for opening distance

 

a pale morning

leaves me to realize

a taste of seasons

empowers me to stroke my muse

with the body of words

in thin rows of white

 

the color of my existence

is contemplated by sky

as cold clusters of memories

blow by from time to time

just like you blew through me

 

no words can justify

the thread

that tied us together

in suspended beats

of our heart

or the way I thought the earth

turned inside your eyes

 

pieces of us

that faintly live

on certain days of the week

in the headline

of my poetry

 

finally laid to rest

 

 

 

 

8/31/08 

Author notes

Prompt: Screams and the picture

I have that pic on Myspace page...lol

A contest entry

I can take it like a man even though I am a woman

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • balenciaga
    October 9
    Edit | Reply
    oops


  • balenciaga
    October 9
    Edit | Reply

  • balenciaga
    October 8

    Edit | Reply
    the earth turning in a person's eyes... loveee that .

    this entire poem was so great.

    thanks for entering.

    pt

  • Hulali
    September 22

    Edit | Reply
    Oh! I love the second stanza. And lots more, too many parts to list. especially the way the earth turned inside someone's eyes.

    Yummy! I could eat this. Are you interested in revising this poem? there are some small things I could address, but i'll ask if it's ok first.


    • zochit2me gold member
      September 22
      Edit | Reply
      I am always open to any suggestions and really appreciate any input that someone might give...after all 4 eyes are far better than 2 ...unless they are on the same head and that's just creepy ...please feel free to critique away!!!!

      ♥Becky♥

  • Jersene gold member
    September 4

    Edit | Reply
    wow...this is powerful and so well written.

    'in the bend of rhythm
    you crawled under rib cage
    and became conversations
    with an expiration date rapidly approaching'

    love that stanza. Your poetry speaks :


  • Dalaney gold member
    September 3

    Edit | Reply
    honey, i think this is my favorite of yours. I just love the visuals you have given me, and the poetic style...sigh....superb. Good luck to you, but I doubt you need it Love, Lane


    • zochit2me gold member
      September 3
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks lovely Lady Lane

      You are most beautiful for giving me such a wonderful comment.



      I think I shall dance...

      all she wants to do is dance...lol
      Remember that song?


      I digress


      ♥Becky♥
  • freesoul40
    September 2

    Edit | Reply
    Hey Becky, it's me...WOW. You captivate every word, and its like reading Spike Milligan all over again. I don't get in here much these days, but when I really like to analyze, it's your work that does it. You have perfected your work in such a way, that most readers would probably not understand..but until you work through your words...over and over again..you see a picture of so much pain. Beck you are brilliant, God help me..'She's mummified me alive" SP
    Kym


    • zochit2me gold member
      September 2
      Edit | Reply
      good to see you Kym
      Glad I mummified you alive

      ♥Becky♥

  • notorious
    September 1

    Edit | Reply

    Intense & wickedly, wonderfully, wow-ably written :D

    I love the first line..."I catch a feeling"
    Choosing 'catch' as your verb was just...fantastic--'catch' (to me) connotes something almost accidental, by sheer luck/fate/blah blah blah. Nice.

    'ribcage' <--uno word

    "in observation of scratches
    that whisper prayers"
    My favorite part of S3. "observations of scratches" has to be the most unique reference (or maybe I'm wrong about the reference?) to cutting I've ever seen--it sounds like detached narration with the word 'observation'.

    "nine shades of blue
    where only grief exists"
    You have captured sadness and hit it with a nail...You know...you use 'shade' in "a pale shade of morning" & "the shade of my existence"--was that intentional, repeating the word so many times??

    "loaded words"
    Like guns with bullets. Well, that's what it made me think of--heavy words full of meaning, or maybe empty of meaning. I love this phrase.

    "belting bible verses
    from rooftops
    as I spring from ashes
    in screams of hallelujah"
    This is so poignant...the ashy imagery brings to mind an immortal phoenix & this whole thing seemed slightly satirical to me.

    I loved the two lines you italicized..."shit smells" Ha! Normally that'd be comical, but not in this context.

    I'm kind of "meh" about the down-was-so-far...I mean, I've heard that a lot before. But...in that stanza, it had this piece of JEWELLED treasure.

    "reflections splattered
    along river banks"
    I love that because it makes me think of self-reflection...'splattered' is a good word choice to me because it makes me think of an out-of-control mess you can't clean up.

    "I searched for everything I could
    to blame you
    for opening distance"
    That's bloody brilliant!!! "opening distance" is my favorite...I love the angry/sad tone of this & the hopelessness is apparent.

    I think you do emotions really well.

    "suspended beats"<--love this phrase...creates so much drama.

    That last stanza=perfection
    Perfection...

    same with the last line.

    Really awesome!!!

    Good luck...I think Meg will like this

    Jessica


    • zochit2me gold member
      September 2
      Edit | Reply
      you give the most detailed and cool helpful comments EVER!
      thanks for pointing out the word "shade" I totally did not notice that...edited it.

      you rock girlfriend!

      thanks J

      ♥Becky♥

  • Rowan gold member
    August 31

    Edit | Reply
    What a write, hon. The only critique I have is your use of plurals on some words, wonder if some would resonate better in singular form? Like Ln.8 'conversations' just for an example.
    Regardless, I loved this.

1 - 13 of 13