This embrace
Can set the mind free
These dreams, loosened by your caring eyes
Flood the mind with their beautiful impossibility
This soul on your shoulder has been told
Again and again
How useless and worthless a single soul is in this large universe
And has looked up at the stars with desire
But the stars in the sky that mock the hearts below
Are astonished as this same heart now mocks them
As this heart, instead, seeks only the loving stars in your eyes.
You know that this little girl on your shoulders
Will probably never bloom in this dark world
And may die silent and alone, unloved and uncared for
This girl knows it too, and this is why the tears flow
And the beautiful dreams with them, hopes for a happy life,
Wishes that can never be granted
For a moment, happiness comes with intoxication
The last bit of light that these dark eyes would see
Stars not laughing, not smirking at the darkness
Stars that cared but could do nothing to sway the sorrow.
Author notes
I might edit this since I don't like it, or I might delete it and enter a new one... we'll see. It's just not my best...
A contest entry
- #115 "Dream Wine Poet" by Lyndon.
1750 points, ended September 10, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites round contest #1 by serenity silvermoon.
425 points, ended December 27, 2008, 86 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
You know that this little girl on your shoulders
Will probably never bloom in this dark world
<<< these lines were so sad, but really thought provoking
a really thoughtful poem
a great write -
Good poetry
but you need more periods (full-stops). -
-
Thanks! I'll see where I can add some.
-
-
There is a potent ending here which I deem a very
integral part of verse. You speak to emotion and
to real life with its disappointments and loss of
direction. The parallels drawn between stars and
dreams that can never be is focused and relates
well to the theme. I do have one or two suggestions:
"But the stars in the sky that mock the hearts below
Are astonished as this same heart now mocks them
As this heart, instead, seeks only the loving stars in your eyes"...bogs down with 'the' overused, especially
in the first line. Keep your focus strong and remove
some.
Again: "This girl knows it too, and this is why the tears flow"...uses too many mini words that distract
the reader from lovely feeling expressed.
Maybe something like: "This girl knows too~why tears
stream in shadow". 'Stream' and 'shadow' here echo
sounds in the surrounding lines. I do hope some of
this is found helpful. Thank-you for your talents.
Blue
-
-
Thank you for this comment! It was very helpful. I'll think about your suggestions and change some things. Thanks! Shya
-
-
a clever juxtoposition of the multitudinous, uncountable bounty of stars and the unknowable counts of human souls past and present. Individuation, social tethering, and their paradox and connection to the celestial canopy. lovely. Would that hope were the interpretive option than sorrow, but choices abound.
good luck in this contest.
RW
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
