Vibrations rang
perfection's song
thrown in golden threads
intricate suspension
into loops
contracted and expanded
entwined to lace
all space
stealthy silver plunges
timed to easily ride
right through them
making voice
before they close
resonant open pulsing
slow low sphere
of orb-al sound
then dance of quickened high
spirals all to carve
throughout a swirling air
A contest entry
- music: poetry of the air by Nicolette.
1500 points, ended September 7, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Welcome any sincere response and critique
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I almost wanted to say "sweet vibrations" because there is a vibe and a pulse about this poem that resonates and lingers. Lovely use of internal rhyme and change of pace here too. I also liked the use of colour - the silvers and golds you've weaved through your words here... made me think of strings and brass. I see you've made some changes since I first read this and I like it as it is. Lovely music here, my friend. Thank you for sharing it with us in the contest.
~ Nicolette
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I cannot hear music, and when I try to write about it I feel like an impostor, so I fall into the music of poetry and when I find a poem such as this, I almost can hear it playing inside of me. This is beautiful writing. Love, Lane
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To have your comment here, particularly means very much to me.
It's hard to think of music being far away from you because of the nature of vibration. I can well imagine that it does play inside you and that you most likely know this more interior side of its nature far better than most. ?
Much, much thanks to you Lane.
Sol
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This is lovely! Has such a soft feel to it - and the wording flows like a beautiful song.
well done
best wishes in your contest
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Thank you
Sol
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Honestly, I like the above one best.
The only word I wondered about was 'swirling' but it's growin on me.
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Thank you... that's two... three of us and I'm now comfortably convinced
mmm... 'swirling' could be 'turning', 'turned in' or 'turn of'
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by all that we hear and the intonnations of vibrations we become clear as bells... like tibetan prayer wheels whirling around in the wind, this piece speaks to me like a gentle sound of love and clarity
beautimous stuff my dear friend
most lovely
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Much thanks
When, if you have time, I'd much like you to cast your eye over my reply to James's comment to see what your opinion is... no worries if not.
Speak with you soon
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This moves forward like a pulse...Like it is constricting and catching speeds as it goes. And oddly enough, I felt that before I got to the word "pulsing" in your poem...I take it your air theme did wonders for your poetry. I love that last stanza. I honestly didn't see anything off hand that could be tweaked...But lately I haven't been in the best critical frame of mind. I truly enjoyed this one and the dignified manner of how it unfolded.
;
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Thanks so much for that diamond... great having you back!
I placed this here before the contest closed because I so much liked the prompt and with the intention of editing in the time I had left. I'm thinking of making some changes, so I'm gonna' be cheeky and do some here... that way I will preserve the original and perhaps benefit further from your most valuable eyes... trusting that's okay with you
Vibrations rang
perfection's song
thrown in golden threads
intricate suspensions
thronging into loops
contracted and expanded
entwined to lace
all space
as stealthy silver plunges
in meticulous zing
are timed to easily ride
right through them
making voice
before they close
resonant open pulsing
slow low sphere
of orb-al sound
then dance of quickened high
spirals all to carve
throughout a swirling air
Perhaps, whenever you might find a few moments, you might say ' improvements yes or no' ?
Thanks diamond,
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Let's see...Now that I have looked at it again I'm thinking that "making voice
before they close", is generally awkward sounding. It's not that it doesn't work or imply meaning...It's just feels, off. The last stanza is beautiful...I really think that. I'm sort of glad you commented back as it allowed me to pin-point another area as well...At the beginning "as stealthy silver plunges
in meticulous zing" - Though I enjoyed this image, I felt that it was strange in the piece itself...Especially with...Wait! I just went up and noticed you had already worked with this stanza...LOL. It seems like we were on the same page there. So never mind. That's it critique wise...Just that "making voice" bit seems odd. Hope this helps emerald. And you're welcome.
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Simply beautiful!!X
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Thank you
X X
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