i.
It's like somehow you don't remember what matters;
all our secret laughter, when the rest of the world cried.
Together, hidden in a blanket of bemused secrecy
we held eachother emotionally - you're my canopy,
you support me when the weather's rough
& I need somewhere to sleep.
Do you remember your first I love you;
I do, I can still hear it ringing in my ears
still feel the tears trickle down my face.
I was depressed, but the morbidness melted
and all I was left with was a euphoric elixier -
I think they call it happiness, I wouldn't know.
ii.
The fragile words that I swore I'd never hear
from a man who was so full of hatred towards the world.
Yet you found a place that hadn't perished
from childhood's trauma's and teenage pains.
I loved you for surviving, just smiling at me -
promising me your shoulder forever.
Somewhere something different happened,
the man who changed cruelty to kindness
now harnessed the same emotional pain.
I was the foolish fifteen year old girl then,
believing that I could change you.
I became the seventeen year old woman,
who was begining to be frightened,
but I just put up and lied.
It's a shame it all ends in tears,
because I swear I truly loved you
and believed everything would be alright.
But your words of venom -
breaking up, breaking me down
and slandering me scandelously
so that nobody would like me
and everyone would adore you.
I realise now I thought I knew you,
but I was seeing your doppledanger -
for once, this echoed entrail was good
and it's human counterpart, corrupt.
iii.
I don't think either smiles nor tears could explain,
the way it feels to have a heart that has to hide.
Crumbled, crumpled and scratched like an old CD
[I'm fighting my demons that I can't even see].
iv.
I swore that after he hit me, you'd do me well;
kiss my forehead, check my pulse every once and a while.
I was carried by your care, creased by your curiousity
and if I didn't know any better I thought you believed.
You were the best nothing and the worst something I had
and I'd do all the strength I have now to forget the past.
I can't come to turns that I can't wash you off my skin;
nor can I comprehend why I didn't tell of all your sins.
I suppose you made me numb, I couldn't feel a thing.
v.
I swore after he raped me, ripped my soul apart
that you'd perhaps stick up for me, give us a true start.
Somehow, I was expected you to declare your love
on bended knee, not fearing what others could see.
I expected your defense, but I expected too much--
It's not serious enough that he took my innocence
in many more ways that just one.
I knew of his criminal acts, don't you understand
I couldn't sleep at night from all the images I'd seen.
But I don't think it's about protecting me,
it's all about protecting you, that's how I know
you can't possibly love me - like I love you;
I'd rather I be punched and punished,
than anyone to do you harm.
I think it's just the intimacy you want
and all I can do is cry at a realisation
you don't need me when we're apart.
Gold trophy winner
Adding your comment:
I'm not the best speller in the world, either, so it's okay. 
♥
