The long flowing lines,
define my slender frame.
Silky skin that shines,
on a well equipped dame.
Men walk right past me,
as women stop and stare.
If my services are free,
why should anyone care?
Sure they're on board,
when we all do the deed.
Once it's been explored,
They have no further need.
Starting nice and slow,
gets rougher deep within.
How were they to know
the thickness of my skin?
Happens just like that,
another date is now gone.
Back where I once sat,
with my same clothing on.
Hopes they're satisfied,
as my instruments do wane.
Diving so deep inside,
the eye of this hurricane.
Having been born to fly
ophthalmologist's wings.
Alone is how I'll die,
true measure of all things.
Author notes
POM Contest- Theme- The lack of mutual respect acress the gender lines.
This poem was written from the perspective of a hurricane hunter airplane. She obviously gets no respect and the guys are handsy. The Ophthalmologist was in reference to the examination of the "eye".
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended September 2, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Hi there, and welcome to the POM
Humm....I think I liked this better...before I read your author note.
It seemed much less complicated to me then, but keep in mind I've been judging this contest for more hours than I could keep track of, so my mind is perhaps a wee bit strained. 
I liked your title, and I might very well click on it out of curiosity...but I had such a difficult time putting your intended theme together with the poem and the title, that in the end it didn't work the greatest for me. I do think it's a very creative theme, I'm just not convinced I'd have understood it without the AN, despite the last two stanzas that (I'm guessing) were supposed to make everything clear. Again...it might just be me...but my mind couldn't make the jump from what I'd assumed was a prostitute, to a hurricane hunter airplane. It's just MO...but I feel there needs to be a bit more clarity there.
Outside of that, my thoughts largely follow my co-judges as to the flow and forced rhyme, so I won't repeat all that.
Your imagery isn't just good, but very clever...I can see this fitting both an airplane and a woman, and I wouldn't think that to be an easy comparison to make.
Thanks so much for your entry, and best of luck in the contest...my scores and the other areas of your write I looked at will be in the final notes.
Best Wishes,
~J.
Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies are handed out.
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I see the metaphor of a prostitute in this poem, whether the metaphor is the prostitute or the airplane. True, neither would get respect, so it's a good metaphor.
"Having been born to fly"
"Having been" is not necessary and seems like poor grammar to me. I would leave it as "Born to fly"
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Hi there,
Very creative write, a topic I haven't read before, but it was a little choppy and it had some very forced rhyme. As bear said it was unique but it will not have much lasting impression, there was no depth I found within the piece, you told the story and it was fairly poetic, but that was about it.
My scores will reflect my other thoughts on the individual areas of your piece:
Title 9.5...I would click on this Title...but I still think you could do better.
Flow 9.0....flow was quite choppy
Depth 9.75....good depth
Theme 9.85..great Theme....haven't read anything similar, and your approach was unique.
Feelings 9.75...pretty good personification
Grammar 9.8....forced rhyme hurt this piece IMO
Presentation 9.45....not bad, but you could jazz it up a bit to make some of your phrasing stand out.
Uncommonness 9.75...nice....very creative
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.0...I didn't ponder, although I enjoyed the read.
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Cupcrazy’s Score: 95.85
Nice!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hello and welcome to the Pom
I have not seen this written about before
and I think that you did a great job
The imiginary is just great I am impressed with
this piece and the though that has went into it.
Nice job here with this piece
my score will appear with my end notes
best wishes and much luck. -
Hello
*well-equipped*
Rhyme scheme....a tad forced, but it works really well
Flow....very choppy at first....but the more I read it, the better ~
Ok....Theme...creative!
Some of your lines are very creative, while, others, have a tad bit of a cliche' Tone sparkling through.....but, not bad ~
Love your ability to pull me and not let go......however, I feel, as though you could have used some met.'s here to really enhance this write with Power ~
This is pretty straight-forward, so lasting impression and Impact is notgoing to score very high.....but other areas shall ~
Let my board say the rest
Good luck and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.9...I would definately click, on this Title -
Flow 8.95..choppy......very choppy meter, but 2nd read is better -
Depth 9.8....good depth...loved your ability to draw me in -
Theme 9.95..great Theme -
Feelings 10....personification is perfect -
Grammar 9.4....forced rhym IMHO -
Presentation 9.4...all quatrains tend to leave me hoping for some change....creativity!-
Uncommonness 10...nice! -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.6...I did ponder, but more-so about your write itself -
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Bears Score: 97
Cool!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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WOW! the this poem is definitely different. I love it and you've done an excellent job with it. I really enjoyed reading this poem a lot.
good luck in the contest
kat
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