Write, Right

Im so gone
this feelings too strong
its been too long
I haven't heard from my babies
now whats really going on
is something wrong
I cant wait to get home

I know I made a mistake
thats what led me to this place
but how long will it take
to make something shake

My heads stuck on ache
my hearts wedged on break
my mental states at stake
this shit here is so real
'til everything else seems fake

As I lay in bed and cry
time goes by
I look to the sky
and I recieved the answer to why
I never got a reply from my seeds

Their anut hols animosity
and has been keeping my babies away from me
to a certain degree
I can understand
but I cant't accept it you see
its just not that easy

My very next question is...
How long will it be
before I recieve a letter of inquiry
from my little ones saying things to me, like

  "Mom, why'd you never write to us
or send birthday cards
we thought you didn't love us
don't you know being without you is hard...

You never called at holidays, birthdays, or graduations
You didn't call to check on me when I was a patient
in the hopital getting surgery
You even missed my first day of school at the nursery

I wish you could have been there
to see us win all of our trophies
awards, certificates, and plaques
Mom, why havent you sent us a picture
cause its so hard to remember back
to when you first got arrested
back then I could hardly speak
Mom, did you know I got my 1st paying job
and do volunteer work down the street

When is the next time that we'll be able to hear from you
Mom, why are you there
what exactly did you do
Grandma said Dad used to abuse you
please tll us
is this true

If so
why'd you never tell us
why didn't you let us know
is this why we left all those times
that you would pack us up and go

Well, Mom if this is the case
why did you go back to Dad
My auntie said you're a manipulator
and her brother was never bad
that meant auntie called you a liar
and then that made me mad

I told her my Mom doesn't lie
why would you say a thing like that
the I apologized to her
and took what I said back
cause I remembered you promised to never leave us
and said you'll always be here
but that day the police put you in their car
was the day you disappered"

I visualized the tears hidden in those words
and the sorrow in my childrens eyes
the only words I could think of were
I apologize
as my soul churned deep inside

I sat for a moment
as I contemplated my fate
wondering if my actions would become reciprocate
through my very own children
in the form of disgrace and hate

Then the grueling reality hit me
slapping me dead in the face
none of this would have happened
if id never allowed myself to be in this position in the first place

well its far too late to dwell
on mistakes of the past
I must open a line of communication with my babies
and I gotta do it fast

I sat down and thought real long and strong
I had to choose the rght words to write
I didn't want to say anything wrong

As the pen touched to paper
I began to flow
where the words came from
to this day, I still don't know

"...Hey my babies, I hope you're doing fine
ever since I last laid eyes on you
you've been running through my mind

For years I often wondered
if you were okay
in fact thats what prompted me
to write this letter this way

I'd sent many letters, cards, and gifts to you
not knowing exactly what to say
so I'll start over by asking
will you forgive me today

I often imagine
what you look like now
I wanted to ask you for pictures
but all I could think of is how

How do I ask my little ones
whom I love so very much
to send me picture, cards, and letters
or anything to keep in touch

after I betrayed you
breaking the promise that I'd made
that I would never leave you
yet I turned and went astray
I not only killed your father
from you I took my very own life away..."

Will they ever forgive me
will they hate me to the bitter end
I felt like I had died inside
and lost my very bestfriends

I'd gotten discouraged and stopped writing
I had thrown down my pen
my heart just kept on fighting
my feelings deep within
a war raged inside me
but love was sure to win
I wiped the tears from my eyes
and started to write again

"...Okay, I havent been the very best mom
leaving you like I did
but we have an unbreakable bond
Im your mon and you're my kids

I know what I'd done was wrong
thats why Im in prison now
but when I did what I'd done
I never stopped to consider
the where, the when, the how

I acted out on impulse
I really wasn't myself
but if I had taken a moment to think
that could have meant my death

Im sorry I never told you
and shielded you from the facts
but your father used to abuse me
now there's the truth about that

I had never told you because
I didn't want you to think he was bad
cause then you might not have respected him
as your father, friend, or dad

Alot of people knew this
they'd promised me they'd never tell
so they did as I'd asked them
and kept the truth to themselves

Remember those times
I packed all of our things up
and we'd traveled miles away
I was trying to leave your father
but I was too ashamed to say

And all of those times
that to him we would go back
he'd promised me he'd changed
I loved him and believed that

So I can't solely fault your father
for where I am today
A moment can ruin a lifetime
and thats the price I have to pay
A moment of my not thinking
took both our lives away
I apologize, I love you and miss you
is all that I can say

Im sealing this letter with love
and sending it right away
I hope your Aunt allows you to read it
this to God I pray

P.S.
please send me a picture
if that will be okay."