I remember one early November
the mighty trees began to crumble like leaves -
proud Oaks shaken from root to tip, taken
and split somewhere at the core, as if infested by a bore;
one toppled to the ground and brought the whole forest down,
an eerie sight after the fall - for nothing stood at all.
Author notes
Okay, maybe it's a bit... silly. It's more of an experiment with inside rhyme, but also a cry out against all of the forests being destroyed. I love trees. 
Photo credit: http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0WTefgJnrlILmgBGnqjzbkF/SIG=12r7lmjlf/EXP=1220210569/**http%3A//photos.wildmadagascar.org/images/deforestation_aerial_0067.shtml
Please tell me what you really think. Criticism welcomed.
Comments
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Very powerful social commentary and a writing experiment, both done extremely well.
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You Tree Hugger!!! lol I feel this is a globel problem.
Wonder where we will get oxygan from when the last tree
falls?
Joe
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See now there's what happens when I'm not clear.... lol
what I meant is there's a 'sense' of meter in this, but it's not rigid, it's not bound up in a form, and yet reading it, I 'heard' the rhyme and for me it creates a grounding in the lines.
I've never been much good at explaining how I hear words in writing, or much good at the critical comment part of things either..
the only thing I did hear a bit off was in the last line, and that because I think the rhyme between fall and all came too abruptly for me, but I wouldn't call it 'wrong'.. and sometimes I think those little jars are actually good because they force the line, or the image into our minds, much like a painting would.
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LOL.... you made perfect sense to me.
Well rhyme is definitely not my thing! I write in free-verse and rarely rhyme (except maybe a couple of lines scattered throughout a poem).
So I know this sucks as far as meter and rhyme scheme goes.
But, I have to say I love the message, just like you do.
I'm surprised Canada is bad about deforestation. I have a friend from Winnipeg who is always telling me Canada is very environmentally-conscious. He spent his college years planting trees in the forests...
Then again, he romanticized everything about Canada - even their higher taxes.
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Ah...
Do a check in google sometime, and read the list of the worlds worst contributors to pollution and you'll find Canada is sadly very close to the top. We've done very little over the years to change how we affect the environment though we 'talk' a good 'talk'..
Things are beginning to change, slowly but I'd say we still have a long way to go.
As for the meter and rhyme .. it's not bad.. and I rather like the fact that it hitches at the end, but I'm a rebel
always have been.
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My first response, the image that came to mind, both with the picture and with it.. was clear cutting.. something I feel strongly against..
Here in British Columbia, we are one of the worst when it comes to our trees and what we do to ensure our forests won't become history. Also one of the worst destroyers of old growth ( growls nasty words )
And it saddens me because so many just don't seem to grasp that if you take ...and take enough, eventually the entire balance of the system will fall. Where something like the Pine Beetle, the nemesis now of our woodlands here might once have caused a fair amount of destruction, as nature often can, now it's gone past that to a critical fight ..because of all the damage we've already done..
I love trees.. too ( see ? all that from what you said )
As for the internal rhyme .. I happen to love it really..because of the way it turns words into a song..
I know rhyme isn't overly popular for many these days.. but I'll always be a fan of it. And you did an excellent job with it..the meter carries from line to line yet it's still.. just subtle enough that it might be missed ..
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Thank you, by the way. Wonderful comment.
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You're welcome
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It's not silly to jump out of the box. It's also not silly to experiment and post. It's rather brave of you to do that. While zt's critique holds some merit I don't think I would have started off with his first sentence. I don't find it necessary to be rude, insulting or harsh. Not every one likes rhyme, but then not everyone likes free verse either. Poetry is hard to do no matter what style you use. There are many here and on other sites, even the masters that had to start somewhere. If we were to take anyone's work and went to their first, middle and recent we would be able to see their growth as a poet. I'm sorry for the little rant, but it really irks me when people do this. Personally, I think your first effort of experimentation is very good. The beauty of internal rhyming is this. You can use words that have a similar sound without rhyming. When reading and saying the poem out loud the brain actually doesn't notice it isn't an exact rhyme. Writing internal rhyme and doing in in narration is not an easy task to pull off. You've done better than well on this one. What I really did like here is in your last line "an eerie sight after the fall" while you are using it as a verb, it also enhances the season. For after fall there are no leaves. The forest is barren. Keep at it. I look forward to more of your bravery!!
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I hope your experiment pays off and that you improve your poetic skills. Rhyme is difficult to do and not appear forced (e.g. L4). Your rhythm could use some polishing, most of your second halves were heavier syllable count than the firsts. That said, you had some good images. I really liked the visual of L2. On a theme note, I agree with you on deforestation. We need to harvest in a renewable fashion rather than the clear cut, slash and burn techniques used in the less developed countries of the world. ~sigh~
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Perfectly crafted. The internal rhyming was well done, and the message was so beautifully illustrated. Unfortunately, unlike real dominoes, you can't just stack them back up and start over again.
Wonderful poetry.
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isn't that the truth! If only we could just say "restart game!"
Thanks for the comment
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Clear cutting... shave a human bald and leave in the sun to bake. Yeh, you get the idea.
Well spoken words.
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Unfortunately, we're headed that way. The read was effortless, your experiment is a success. Especially liked giving "Oak" it's rightful place as a proper noun.
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This is a powerful image. I would leave out "as if bored," leaving it more speculative.
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thanks for your idea
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I don't find this silly; I like the interesting picture you've used, it begins the painting ... almost like a sketch and then your words fill it up with colour and imagery!
Excellent poem!
♥
Stay safe
Love to you
~Manda
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thank you sweetie!!!
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i love this poem the imagery it created was magical
great job
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COOL TITLE!!!
If it weren't for your AN, I'm not sure if I would've noticed the internal rhyme.
"I remember one early November
the mighty trees began to crumble like leaves -"
I like that you mention a specific month--it's more narrative that way. 'trees' 'leaves' I never would've thought of that rhyme (but I am rhyme-deficient) I think it's clever & cohesive.
"proud Oaks shaken from root to tip, taken
and split somewhere at the core, as if bored;"
LoL...nice personification with boredom...
I often wonder whether trees are bored--I mean, they stay still 24/7...LoL.
Did you see this happen?
"split somewhere at the core" makes me think of internal emotions...and physical description.
"an eerie sight after the fall - for nothing stood at all."
Okay, that last line--I AM LOVING IT.
It seems foreboding &...are you ready...Eerie.
Ahahahahahaha, my favorite line.
This was good, & I love that the title isn't mentioned anywhere--it makes it more phantasyintriguing...LoL.
Jessica
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Allie
This is not silly at all
A marvelous job in writing with internal rhyme, which is very hard to do. You made it seem easy as the piece read so smoothly. I like trees as well
Splendid write
Take care
David
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i suck at rhyme except for internal you've done a good job with it and the subject of lovely, glorious trees who will speak to you if you listen
my only suggestion is the double use of 'down' in the fifth line. the first 'down' isn't really needed and gives a tighter read... just my opinion
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what a wonderful suggestion! I can't believe I missed that I had "down" twice!!!
I changed it, thanks!
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ok
ok, this is probably the shortest most moving write i have ever read. the flow seemed like it wasnt there but consumed me. the descriptions are amazing so vivid in the mind. this is an astounding write. great job
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Not silly at all. I think you did a great job of this. It certainly has a whimsical quality about it.
And yes, the forests are being destroyed. However, there are more trees here in the USA than there were when the founding fathers signed the Declaration of Independence (a little known bit of trivia).
Your rhyme pattern is also very well done with a subtle quality about it and the overall flow is great.
Garrison
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I don't think internal rhyme is silly at all and it takes talent. I like this and think you did a wonderful job.
Love,
Amera♥
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