Everything is moving so fast,
yet time hangs heavy in the air.
We race around; nothing matters.
We forget that time is passing.
We take some sips and fool around
then suddenly somebody falls to the ground.
Our minds caught up in a summer haze,
we struggle to wake from this horrible dream.
Dawn imposes upon our dizzy sleep
waking memories of a disaster.
We are told that girl who fell last night
died only a few hours after.
Time slows down and we try to wake up
but this is no longer a dream we can escape.
Death caught us in our summer speed
we can't believe she had to leave.
Everything was moving so fast.
We never knew it would be her last.
Summer's breath was not so bright
when she fell to her death that night.
A contest entry
- Summer Poem by Mortal.
900 points, ended October 9, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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this is very good
i like that the rhymes were appropriate, but just a little forced. Good job its very emotional entry and a lot of people can relate.
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This is a very cool idea and I like the sadder take, I'm impressed you managed to keep it away from angst. However your poor rhyming takes away from all of that. When playing with rhyme you need to outline a scheme and stick too it. I think you should try rewriting this without rhyme, using a rhythm pattern instead.
Some of your phrasing however is well done. -
This would be a good idea and a very touching, emotional one. It's a great entry to the contest. I have a bit of a problem with your rhyming, though. It's a bit random. Your last verse rhymes very solidly, but none of the others do, really. If you do couplets, you have to do them very well. =P
A very good, very sad entry, though. It has a great point and one that many people need to understand. Good luck.
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