[ never thought, ]

never thought,
I’d be this bad.
I never thought,
Thoses last day’s were the only thing I’d think about now.
I never thought,
You meant so much.



“…In conclusion, that’s why you should re-elect me for school president”
Whoa, that was one of the hardest speeches I’ve ever had to make. Thank the lord it’s over.

“Thank you Kendra, Class I will now pass out the class election sheets and you can vote for president, you have until 3 o’clock.”

A silence fell over my seventeen classmates. It was almost frightening. I rest my head on my desk and closed my eye’s. I began to imagine what I would do if I did win again.
What would I do?
What hadn’t I done?
Did I want to be president again? Of course I wasn’t going to give up my title, the year I was president was great!
Why was last year so great though? I don’t know. It just was, I guess I felt like I made my  place in the school? I helped needy kids?
HA! Your kidding? You didn’t help anyone, you didn’t make your place, nowhere you apply is going to look for you being student body president.
Whatever. It makes me happy.

As I drifted back into reality I realized that  there were only five minutes left of class. I got my stuff together and waited. BUZZZZ I picked up my bag and walked out of class.  I went to meet Tanner at his car. We’d been seeing each other for more than six months and things were still going great. At the time I was a straight A student with good looks and just about everything going for myself. I was soon to be Class President, and I was on top of my world.  I reached Tanners car about six seconds after and greeted him with a kiss.

“Hey babe, how was your day?” he said

“Hey hon, I’m fine, it was good, and ugh, thank god its over and I’m with you” I replyed

“Awe, how’d your speech go?”

“Good, nerve racking but good, hopefully I’ll win this year. The competitions preety slack this year, so I’m not that nervous” I said as I climbed into the passenger seat of his Ford F-150. It wasn’t the greatest car, it was cracked and chipped but, he liked it and kept better care of it than his brother did. It was his now and he cared enough to fix the broken mirror, but not enough to get oil change or wash it.  As he started the car I heard something at the back of my head. I blissfully ignored it.

We drove to my house and parked. He said he was happy to see me again, since he’d graduated the year before.


“…In conclusion, that’s why you should re-elect me for school president”
Whoa, that was one of the hardest speeches I’ve ever had to make. Thank the lord it’s over.

“Thank you Kendra, Class I will now pass out the class election sheets and you can vote for president, you have until 3 o’clock.”

A silence fell over my seventeen classmates. It was almost frightening. I rest my head on my desk and closed my eye’s. I began to imagine what I would do if I did win again.
What would I do?
What hadn’t I done?
Did I want to be president again? Of course I wasn’t going to give up my title, the year I was president was great!
Why was last year so great though? I don’t know. It just was, I guess I felt like I made my  place in the school? I helped needy kids?
HA! Your kidding? You didn’t help anyone, you didn’t make your place, nowhere you apply is going to look for you being student body president.
Whatever. It makes me happy.

As I drifted back into reality I realized that  there were only five minutes left of class. I got my stuff together and waited. BUZZZZ I picked up my bag and walked out of class.  I went to meet Tanner at his car. We’d been seeing each other for more than six months and things were still going great. At the time I was a straight A student with good looks and just about everything going for myself. I was soon to be Class President, and I was on top of my world.  I reached Tanners car about six seconds after and greeted him with a kiss.

“Hey babe, how was your day?” he said

“Hey hon, I’m fine, it was good, and ugh, thank god its over and I’m with you” I replyed

“Awe, how’d your speech go?”

“Good, nerve racking but good, hopefully I’ll win this year. The competitions preety slack this year, so I’m not that nervous” I said as I climbed into the passenger seat of his Ford F-150. It wasn’t the greatest car, it was cracked and chipped but, he liked it and kept better care of it than his brother did. It was his now and he cared enough to fix the broken mirror, but not enough to get oil change or wash it.  As he started the car I heard something at the back of my head. I blissfully ignored it.


We drove to my house and parked. He said he was happy to see me again, since he’d graduated the year before.


Have you ever done something so wrong, it felt almost right?

I can remember every aspect of that week; The smells, the sighs, the feelings, the sensations, everything but the time.  It was the last week of July and It was planned for my mum, my dad and myself, to go to the lake for a week. Which sounded great. I loved the lake, swimming, sauna’s and fires. Everything about going to the lake for a week, sounded fantastic.  It was coming near to the last day’s I’d be in town, and I wanted to go out with m








The morning I left was a morning I will not soon forget. As I helped my parents load up the car with our various sized suitcases and other bags, I wondered if this trip was even worth going on, the previous day’s hadn’t been the best day’s of my life.




Have you ever wanted, to take a running jump off the edge of a cliff ?
Have you ever wanted to take that fork and put it into that socket?
Have you ever thought of running that pair of sicors up and down your thigh until you felt better?

I, Emily Kate O’Leary Have.

It all started back in grade 7 when kids started to call me ugly, and fat. They would taunt me day in and day out. At first it was really subble, but after that it quickly escalated to full on hatered.  I would claim to my friends that it didn’t matter because they were all pricks anyways, but inside I was a time bomb waiting to go off.

The first day of grade 7 was the first day of so called high school, my french school went from grade seven to grade 12, a typical high school with little kids running around. Now you would think that grade 7 would be a fun time and at a new school, with all my friends and stuff, guess again. The morning went fine, my good friend Katie walked head first into a pole and I fell down the last few stairs getting to the cafeteria, but other than that it was great. My teachers were fantastic and the new kids I met weren’t so accepting but who cared anyways right? As I took my first steps into the new cafeteria I was going to spend a lot of time in for the next five years I noticed a Giant purple muffin affixed on a poster with other dancing foods on it saying Netoyer votre espace! Which in English means, Clean your space, if translated word for word.

After a lunch of a Genoa Salami and mayonaise sandwich, a coke, and a pack of fruit snacks a good chat with my friends and it seemed as if the time I spent here would be okay. I would learn later, it would lead to my demise. And possibly theres.

The afternoon went s expected, it was a little borring, but otherwise, decent. I met my english teacher, and band. My only memories of mmy band teacher were in grade 1, he made me sit out for no reason, so I sat on a bench and stared at the shoes of my best friend while playing with n elastic band. I was so scared and upset. He hd changed tho. He hd kids now, and gratefully accepted me as his best friend. That first band class ws the only good thing about my day at the time. It was an escpe from the others. It was neat, I played upright electric base, just like the Horrorpops.

I walked up and down the same hallways for the next week in some unusual outfits. And though my friends were used to them, it was different, I got some very accepting stares from older grades, nd girls who looked similar to me, nd some stares from kids in my grade who were, scared, and almost upset that I was the way I was.  There were rumors on where I’d come from, who I was and mostly about my sexuality. Which was stupid, because they decided that because I was dressed the way I was, it was really

I fell in love with people sleeping


“Across the night,
It was the moon that stole my slumber,
Across the night,
I fell in love with people sleeping. ‘


The city was quiet. The lights of the opposing apartment building were few and growing fewer by the half-hour.  The honking horn of a taxi echoed through the silent hours of the morning. The city was dead, the clubs were closed and It seemed as if I was the only one awake. As day crept closer and closer, I turned on my old beat up record player and poured myself a glass of red wine. As I paced up down my bare hallways I began to sing along with the Sinatra record 
- Somewhere, Beyond the sea, somewhere waiting for me, My lover stands on golden sands, and watches the ships that go sai-ling
The words melted into the air.  I dragged my chair over to the window and  stared at the moon. It was magical, the moon of course, every night since I was a little girl I had always wanted to go to the moon. It was facinating. Many nights I stayed awake just starring and imagining what fantasy’s I could have on the moon, oh the adventures. I never felt so happy in my life than the night’s I’d spent just thinking.

It was my fifteenth summer, in my fifteenth year, soon to be sixteen, but not until school started in the fall.  I lived in a small town in Manitoba, and the summer had just begun, I had just finished my last grade 10 exam ever. I felt more free that ever possible. As I walked back from my school, I listened to my soon to be summer anthem – Summertime by Kenny Chesney – I strutted all the way home.  It was was a warm half spring half summer day, enjoying every minute of it, sitting out on the back porch having a cigarette, my phone began to ring, the caller I.D told me it was Sarah, my best friend, I answerd

“Herro Chiki Fli Lice?”

“CHIKI FLI LICE!” came from the other end,
“ So what’s up?”
“Not much, you done your exam?”
“Yes”
“Sweet, wanna hang out?”
“Yeah sure, where and when?”
“Soon, and starbucks”
“Sweet, I’m down, I’ll meet you at your grandma’s in ten”
“’AIGHT see you soon babe!”
“Bye”
“Bye”

Click. I took off my mass sweater and threw on a pair of black capris and a blue zebra stripped shirt. I threw on my 4-year-old converse and headed out the door. I walked as the sun shone down brightly, and my phone rang again. Instead of answering I sang along with the ring tune and decided to finally pick up.
I greeted the caller with:
“Hey Troy, whats up?”
“Hey babe, what are you up to?” he said
“Nothing, just walking to sarah’s Grandma’s house, were going for coffee and a chat, why?”
“Just wondering when you were done your exam and if you wanted to hang out”
“Oh, okay, yeah fershure, can I call you when I’m done with Sarah?” I said
“Sure, don’t be to long, I have news” He replied
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Anyways, I’m here, so I’ll talk at you later babe, bye”
“Bye”
Click.
I knocked on the door, about two seconds after Sarah answerd,
“Okay, I’ll see you later Grandma, love you bye!”
“Hey!”
“hey, so starbucks?” she said.
I nodded. We walked silently for a few mintutes then began to discuss the exam’s we’d finished eariler.
“That math exam sucked, it was so stupid, he didn’t even put anything about statistics on the review. I’m preety sure I failed” I said

“I know! It was like wtf? I didn’t even


It was my fifteenth summer, my fifteenth year, soon to be sixteen, but not until school resumed in the fall. I had just finished my last grade 10 exam, and felt more free than ever. As I walked from the school to my house, I listened to my soon to be summer anthem – Summertime by Kenny Chesney – I skipped with glee for a while, then kept walking. 

It was the first day of september, and my first day of grade eleven was drawing near. Only a few more day’s and I’d be a senior. 

Don't you just hate those  two people that sit about and drink coffe talking about the weather? And no matter how much they love eachother, they always find someway to avoid the ovious, they convince themselves that you just think of eachother as a good friends and nothing more when really, they are urning for eachother just as much as the other is for them. They are preety much destined to be together and they choose to ignore it. I'm one of those people.

He takes you skating and you think to yourself, well maybe this will work, he teaches you how to skate, and still you choose to ignore the wonderful facts. But soon, thoughts of him will consume your every move, you see him and just shake, but you know he's too good for you. You seem to think it's never going to happen, and when it does, you can't believe it.

Crush, Crush, Crush, Let the hate flow through you. You think you have it all figured out when KA-BOOM. It blow's up in your face. He says's one thing, you say the other, heated argument, doors slammed, and suitcases packed. But before you know it, thing are out of hand, he's leaving, your crying and the world you once knew to be so amazing has gone to hell in a handbasket.

As you pick yourself up off the floor after three hours of lying there, wondering if there really is a reason to live after he's gone, and  you peel yourself off the floor you were so firmly affixed to, you see a light, someone at your door, in your window or even in a picture and you just know, it's going to be okay.

You go on with your life and resume your hunt. Two day's later he comes back with flowers in hand, an appology, and a sincerly ment "i love you". You can't believe that your letting yourself try this again, but you know that everyone deserves a second chance. So you take him out to dinner, he takes you out to coffee, and things are back to normal.

You spend one amazing night together, with his arms caressing you underneath the moonlight, and drinking champagne. As he kisses you, everything seems to be right and you just know, things are going to work out, After you make love in a meddow just behind your appartment, he tell's you he's leaving for the war in __(insert place here)__. But he loves you and always will. He's going to come back no matter what.
So you ask
"When will you be back?"
He replies with a
"I'm not sure, but i'll write every day. I promise."

Tears stream down your eye's.

He kisses you softly ,  he gets up and walks to the car.


START CHAPTERONE. OR TWO.


It was my fifteenth summer, my fifteenth year, soon to be sixteen, but not until school resumed in the fall. I had just finished my last grade 10 exam, and felt more free than ever. As I walked from the school to my house, I listened to my soon to be summer anthem – Summertime by Kenny Chesney – I skipped with glee for a while, then kept walking.