Calloused -
weathered by acidic drops,
rough
on the surface,
defiled within.
Corroded -
reduced to
ugly red scars.
The scratches go deep
and will never heal, so
rust and rot
set in.
Author notes
Began a long time ago, inspired by a view of a junkyard while driving.
I finally got around to polishing it up. It feels somehow shallow and lacking. Any suggestions?
Please tell me what you really think. Criticism welcomed.
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
-
Hey, you- I'm using this one, if you don't mind. You have editorial rights- I'll send you the link so you can make sure I got it right. I really think it's the one!
-
Nifty edit.
<3
-
Like the over all poem, but I'm in agreement on tarnished. options- forgotten inside, dry rotted inside or cancerous inside.
Just thoughts, none better than yours.
-
I like it and I think it paints a vivid image. You asked for suggestions to polish it up? I guess I'm old fashion but the staggered structure doesn’t do anything for me. I would have written it like this using line separation as a natural caesura.
Calloused
weathered by acidic drops
rough on the surface
tarnished inside.
Corroded
reduced to ugly red scars
the scratches go deep
and will never heal so
rust and rot set in
Just my opinion
Love,
Amera♥
-
Brilliant.
Though you present it as a simple poem on a simple theme, I feel a lot of thought has gone into it. And, yes, after reading your AN, I am convinced that this is a true work of the heart, after some necessary polishing. I love the way your choice of words and the way they just emerge, adding thoughts over the simple sight. The picture too makes one think beyond what is seen and said. Congrats and best regards!
-
I love the simplicity of this piece. But I don't find it shallow at all; in fact, I believe it has great depth as an extended metaphor of what happens to many of us in this polluted world (that came out more negative or cynical than I wanted but I hope you know what I mean). Life, especially its mean and ugly parts, can really leave us with scratches that
"will never heal, so
rust and rot
set in."
Very well done.
-
-
Awesome comment. Thank you
And yes, you hit the nail right on the head.
-
-
I like the red scars. You did the photo justice.
Joe
-
-
thank you
-
-
Keep it. It is wonderful as a metaphor for life. Your poems always have layers and deeper meanings and this one is no exception.
Corroded -
reduced to
ugly red scars.
The scratches go deep
and will never heal, so
rust and rot
set in.
This so perfectly describes so many people's lives. Very well done.
Garrison
-
-
Thanks
I love your comments.
-
-
Not really, a good economy with words, not in the way the good Sir said to Liza Minelli. You may be too young for that, it's an "Arthur" reference.
-
-
LOL... I think I know who Liza Minelli is - well, no I don't. I've heard her name before though.
"Arthur" as in "King Arthur"????
You might have to explain. LOL.
-
-
Inspiration is weird.
I love yours.
"Calloused -
weathered by acidic drops,
rough
on the surface,
tarnished inside."
I liked everything in this first stanza except for "tarnished inside." It felt more like a very obvious statement than something poetic to me.
I loved "acidic drops" & "rough on the surface" could easily be a metaphor for a lotta things...'calloused' always makes me think of fingers, but not in this case.
"Corroded -
reduced to
ugly red scars.
The scratches go deep
and will never heal, so
rust and rot
set in."
"rust & rot/set in." I ADORE THAT!!!
It's like welcoming the neighbors...ahahaha.
Jessica
-
-
Okay - how about one of these:
"contaminated"
"corrupted"
"defiled" ... "within"
????
I know you love the word "within"
-
-
I do LOVE the word 'within'--nice memory of my little quirks!
I think 'defiled' is nice...it's a gorgeous-sounding word. "defiled within" Gives me a tickle.
-
-
Any ideas for what could replace "tarnished inside"? I felt the same way about it, but I was at a loss for something better to say. I'll consult my trusty thesaurus for ideas, but if you think of anything let me know.
Thanks for your comment, my musical muse and editor!
-
-
I actually really love this; the depth in the word choice and the personification of it all is fantastic
Great write hun!
♥
Stay safe
Love to you
~Manda
-
"rustic" as it is fully written,
lovelier than an Auburn lover in old age,
and wiser than some dusty old dirty Sage.
Adding your comment:
1 - 19 of 19
