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Sun Stroke

Missing image

 

 

~~~~~

 

 

The spoon rings hollow in the cup

like an echo in a haunted canyon
and the dreamcatcher
snares only flies
instead of the moonlight

But it’s a calm day
all the same
and there’s peace in the pockets
of my little white dress
all sewn up with red

Though I can’t help but wonder
if whippoorwills can still fly
in the daylight
and is that full-breasted sun still burning

there

on the other side of the door
for something so much more





~~~~~

Author notes

Image: http://missdanifilth.deviantart.com/art/i-don-t-see-never-95031785

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7
  • Rowan gold member
    September 14, 2008
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    Truly word-transcendental. Beautifully done. Congratulations!


  • charcoal
    September 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    beautiful
    on so many different levels.


  • Cat
    September 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    i really love this piece-
    the tranquility of the write vs. the tranquility of the write
    - at least that's how it reads to me

    the "i should love this tranquility- god i wonder if i can love this tranquility"


    there are a couple things you could do that would really tighten it up
    and take it over the top for me- although it is really close to there already

     

     

     

     {eliminate}

     

     

    The spoon rings hollow in the cup
    like an echo haunting the canyon

     

    I would eliminate the LIKE-  an echo from a haunted canyon or  something akin to that- eliminate the gerund and the like.

     


    and the dreamcatcher
    snares only flies
    instead of the moonlight {eliminate the}

    But it’s a calm day
    all the same
    and there’s peace in the pockets
    of my little white dress
    all sewn up with red   _  {love this stanza}

    Though I can’t help but wonder
    if whippoorwills {can }still fly
    in {the} daylight 
    and is that full-breasted sun
    still burning

    there

    on the other side of the door
    {for something ... so much more}  

     

     

    by eliminating the final line-  you make a much stronger impact-   on the other side of the door is very strong

    and should be showcased as the final line-  your reader is smart enough to understand / to figure in the final line without being told

     

     

    anyhow.. those are my two cents-  hope i didn't overstep.. i really love this poem and its the only reason i would write out my thoughts this way..

     

    m 

     

     


    • transcendental baby gold member
      September 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I'm afraid I disagree with deleting the last line, though I've changed it a bit. I just feel like there needs to be an emotional and personal connection established between the sun/light of day and the speaker. Plus, the other stanzas end in a couplet (or something like a couplet anyway )and it would drive me crazy if the last one didn't follow the that pattern (That wasn't intentional, by the way, but that's just the way my skippy mind works )


  • Night Hope gold member
    August 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply


    Inspiring, as always...


  • BehindTheShadow
    August 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    A wonderful write!


  • bluesquirrel silver member
    August 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely image and a very nice write, your mention of the door reminded of something that I put in my notebook the other day that I'd forgotten all about- maybe the door's been closed! As beautifully done as ever.

1 - 7 of 7