The rain washes me
All the pain just falls away
As I sing aloud.
Author notes
option 1 purity
A contest entry
- Haiku-me by Kappa Pyua.
2100 points, ended September 22, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Never was there a comment that I could not love
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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It does seem to have a cleansing to it. I used to stand out in showers, had a nice cool feel, and while I'm far too corrupt to be cleansed, it was nice to imagine that I was.
So, you provided a lot of meaning in a small space. Well done.
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Good 5-7-5, although "just" is a filler-word and what would you have lost by making it a 5-6-5? This flows very well indeed, and captures that moment of relief and happiness.
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I like music, and I can picture this happening. A suggestion if I may though. Take away the caps and the period.
rain washes me
all pain falls away-
sing
with this you can get the picture of someone singing in the rain and starting all over again. thx for entering. -
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May I critique your critique? If you construct a haiku like that, it becomes devoid of flow, it rattles. If, on the other hand, you allow it to use naturally-flowing English, as this entrant has done, you nail the momentary impression beautifully.
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I love the feel of your words...the rain washes away so much if we just let it...and within the soft music a song can be heard...niaish for sharing this feeling with me
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Again, thank you. your words honor me.
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