White, sterile walls
camouflage Pain's ward,
healing is under suspicion
as constant misery is out poured.
Necessary torture performed
beneath blinding lights,
muscle tissue, tendons exposed
skin peeling, charred white.
Transparent beings hover
opening Agony's door,
menacing gargoyles, filled with evil intent,
strike out at soul's core.
Skin ripped away,
borrowed, moved around,
ventilators render silent,
screams echo without a sound.
Scars crisscross bodies,
fire's malevolent collage,
healing requires wounds inflicted
painless recovery, a taunting mirage.
Author notes
POM contest
Theme - This month I chose to write about my experience during the summer I spent with my husband on the burn ward of Salt Lake City. The third stanza refers to the many terrible hallucinations my husband experienced while deeply medicated due to his burns. Burns are unlike any other injury in that they damage the nerves. This makes it difficult for doctors to treat the pain. The forth stanza refers to the process of harvesting skin for the grafts. It is literally ripped away from a healthy part of the body, stretched, perforated and applied to the burned area. It is, in some cases, as painful as the original burn. The stanza that refers to "skin charred white" is because when skin is burned but not to the point of being completely destroyed it appears white as all blood vessels are destroyed.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended September 2, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
There's nothing like the truth to add the emotional depth to a poem... and this one has it all. A painful memory that's now been stretched, like the grafted skin, in the light... perhaps now, healing can begin... Excellent write...
Ken
-
This poem carries the message of the pain experianced by a victem of this horrible injury. I've seen burn victems in the hospital emergency ward and in ICU recovering and you very graphically portrayed the healing process, right down to the need to peel skin and rebuild patches of destroyed epidermis. I do feel great sympathy for your husband and you as well having undergone this ordeal. I hope you have both been blessed with the strength of healing.
-
wow - this is full of powerful images! I'm sorry for all the pain your husband went through - and hope he's fully healed now.
best wishes in this contest
-
Oh, this is painful to read and ponder. Great final 2 stanzas. This poem could use some careful editing, I think.
example:
"Transparent beings hover
opening Agony's door,
menacing gargoyles, filled with evil intent,
strike out at soul's core."
maybe instead:
Transparent beings hover
open Agony's door;
menacing gargoyles
strike at soul's core.
also:
"screams echo no sound."
-
Hi Kathryn,
This was quite an emotional piece, written with great imagery. It had great impact although as bear said not a creative theme, I think because we all tend to write these tortured pieces to release the pain in our lives, they tend to become just our own sad stories, so the lasting impact is therefore minimal at best. There are a few grammatical errors as Trista pointed out, along with the beginning of the piece did little to spell out your theme, I could sense the pain, but I really couldn't put my finger on the development of where it was all going or what it truly was about. The ending of course was that ah ha moment, but I think emotion wise I would have like to crawl through this piece, feeling each moment intensely and having the ending give me some kind of closure. Just a personal opinion of course.
My scores will reflect my opinions on the other areas of the piece:
Title 9.5...I would click on this Title...It intrigued me, although I think I liked just Charred more
Flow 9.65....flow was good, I didn't stumble
Depth 9.75....good depth
Theme 9.65..good Theme....read similiar, but your emotion differentiated it from the others.
Feelings 9.75...full of emotion...
Grammar 9.5....could use some work
Presentation 9.55....nice simple presentation
Uncommonness 9.25...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.2...I didn't ponder, but I did feel for you.
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Cupcrazy’s Score: 95.8
Nice!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
-
-
Nice review Bunny
-
-
Hi Kathryn,
It gives me chills just thinking about all you've written. I hope this is far enough in you and your husband's past that full healing has come about, but gosh...it sure does make for some potent and impacting poetry...just too bad it came with such a high price.
It wasn't until the 4th stanza that I felt I knew what your theme was, and that 3d stanza really kind of threw me...at that point I was thinking UFOs and experiments done on people who are "snatched" by aliens.
One idea I have is that you could move your last stanza to the beginning, which would, IMO, give the reader a definite direction to follow right from the start. (Most likely you'd want to pen a new ending in that case.) Or as far as that goes, you could just add a stanza to the beginning of what you have. I guess a lot depends on if you're going for that delayed, "aha!" moment closer to the end, but to me this is powerful enough that you don't need any extra "tricks" so to speak, to bring across the impact this has. If you do choose to keep the theme a bit of a mystery until further into the poem, I think S3 needs some reworking or moving around, as to me the reader (this one, at least ) doesn't have enough information yet to make sense of the change in direction it took.
Other than that, just a few small, technical things:
I believe "out poured" is one word, "outpoured"
In S4, I thought "render" maybe should have been "rendered"?
"screams echo without a sound." I felt that was on the cliché side...always be on the look-out for phrases that are commonly used. It's easy for them to sneak up on you, kind of like those filler words we had banned for a while...which, incidentally, I only see one of, so nice job on that even if it wasn't required.
I have to disagree with Bear about your theme not being creative, as I felt everything in this write was approached with a fresh look at how "healing" is not a painless process, as I think we so often tend to believe it is. This is the best write this week for me thus far...of course, I still have a good 15 entries to go.
As usual, my scores will be in with the final notes.
Thanks so much for a great entry, and good luck!
Best wishes,
~J.
Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies are handed out.
-
Hi and welcome to Pom
I thought that this was a well written piece that
you have done here I have seen the effects
that burn wounds can cause and it is difficult
for everyone that is involed.
My score will appear with my end notes
best wishes and much luck. -
Hello
My goodness, what a summer for you.....and your husband ~
*out-poured*
Not sure about the 3rd stanza....but that is not to say your other Judges will not get it better than I did ~
Let me say this.....your write is not as creative as we look for....and you already know this....however, you have penned something which kept me glued to my monitor, watching for every line to give me your Theme......and it was not until your Authors notes, where I found what you were writing about.....not a bad thing, only a tad awkward when it comes to Lasting Impression ~
You have captured the Imagery with visions I don't want to read about again....so yes, you did manage to have Impact ~
Thank you for entering.....God bless you and your husband,
Bear ~
Title 9.7...I would click on this Title -
Flow 9.7..nice....but all quatrains seem to go stale after a few of them in a row -
Depth 9.5....good depth...wanted more info on a certain subject..-
Theme 8.5...not creative, yet very informative -
Feelings 9.9....gives me chills thinking about it -
Grammar 9.85....nice job...wisely chosen -
Presentation 8.5...all quatrains are boring.......to me, as I say this in every contest -
Uncommonness 9.6...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.8...I did ponder, but more-so about your write itself -
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Bears Score: 95.05
Not bad
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
