Stretch, paws extended, reaching for
just that right place.
Yawn, teeth gleaming, does her ears
pop like mine do?
Slinking up my body like she owns me
feeling her weight shift and sway
heavy with her pregnant belly.
Nipples pink and full, peak from
white downy fur.
“Excuse me, you’re not paying
me attention,” she seems to sigh.
I lay under the shade lamp and
try to continue to read
around her, switching the book
from hand to hand.
Circling under my chin, flipping
her tail to and fro
I just shake my head.
Settling then, from neck to belly
her belly to mine
falling into slumber.
Quietly I feel them, kicking
and moving.
They hear two heart beats,
feel warmth surrounding them.
Do they now have two Moms?
Author notes
This is about my cat.
"POM Contest"
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended September 2, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Hi there,
A lovely entry to the POM filled with terrific imagery. There are a couple of grammatical errors in the piece such as in the fist stanza, " does her ears pop like mine do", should simply read "Do her ears pop like mine?
I also felt some additional punctuation would aid the focus and impact of the piece such as in this section:
You wrote:
Slinking up my body like she owns me
feeling her weight shift and sway
heavy with her pregnant belly.
Nipples pink and full, peak from
white downy fur.
But if you went:
Slinking up my body, like she owns me;
Feeling her weight, shift and sway,
heavy with her pregnant belly.
Nipples pink and full, peaking from under
white downy fur.
Anyway food for thought:
My scores will reflect my other thoughts on your piece:
Title 9.0...I wouldn't click on this Title...didn't entice me enough.
Flow 9.65....fairly smooth, could be made smoother.
Depth 9.55....nice depth,
Theme 9.45..good Theme....read similiar, but your approach is unique -
Feelings 9.75...lovely emotion in this piece.
Grammar 9.6....nice job..still need a little work on punctuation and word choice. Try not to use the same words more than once, ie: belly
Presentation 9.65....Nice presentation
Uncommonness 9.25...pretty common topic...but you wrote it with creativity.
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.2...I didn't ponder, there wasn't anything to think about.
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Cupcrazy’s Score: 95.1
Nice!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi and welcome to the POM
The picture you've managed to paint in words is incredibly touching to me, and I think it shows the bond between humans and animals wonderfully. I found the imagery to be spot-on...I do believe I'll be giving out at least two 10's in the imagery category this PO contest, and that's very rare for me.
A few small corrections:
In L3, "does" should be "do". You may want to remove the "do" from the following line then, as I don't believe it'd be necessary.
S3 and S4...I'm not a big fan of continuing thoughts from one stanza to another...to me, it interrupts flow, as I think you've concluded a thought, so then have to "back up" and reread to make it continue...if that makes sense. But, that's me...and I know many readers don't have an issue with that.
S5, L4...Perhaps there's another word you could use in place of "belly", since it's used again in the next line? (stomach, navel, torso...navel would be my pick, and give the line nice alliteration as well
) Repeating uncommon words is generally a no-no, as it takes the reader backward in thought, can make the word lose impact, and/or is a missed opportunity to show variance in your vocabulary.
Last line, I'd suggest either taking "now" out, or (as I misread it the first time, and I really don't know how I managed that
) maybe "Do they know they have two moms?"
As to the title, I might click on this out of curiosity, but it's one you might find a better replacement for sometime down the road, after it's had time to settle. Not too bad though, IMO.
Any cat lover should be able to relate to this quite well, but the added element of your cat's pregnancy made this seem downright intimate...which I think it is, when you consider how personal and intimate sharing a pregnancy is between people. Excellent job in the depth and emotion from my point of view.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and thank you for bringing it to the POM. My scores and the other areas I looked at will be in the final notes.
Best wishes,
~J.
Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies are handed out.
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Hello and welcome to the Pom
I rather like your pom it reminds
me of my cats they can be characters
they are always over me and never are to far off
from me I love the last stanza very nicely done
My score will appear with my end notes
best wishes and much luck. -
Hello
Lovely write indeed ~
I did find a Prose' Tone peeking out of your lines, yet, this was borderline ~
I think you could get rid of some of the filler words and cut down on the wordy feel.....but, at the same time, you might lose some of the imagert and movement.......tough call on this one without more time to considfer it ~
You have other Judges coming behind me
Lots of great imagery and vision in your write and thoughts.....I enjioyed sitting there watching you and your feline bond....lovely job ~
Thank you for entering this months POM contest.....good luck and God bless,
Bear ~
Title 9.0...I would not want to click on this Title -
Flow 9.7..nice....punc's used at just the right places -
Depth 9.5....good depth...-
Theme 8.45...not creative, yet very lovely -
Feelings 9.85...lovely feelings -
Grammar 9.25...simple, yet affective -
Presentation 9.5...nice....yet, wordy lines make it appear.....storyish?....and not Poetic -
Uncommonness 9.6...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.4...I did ponder, but not too much -
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Bears Score: 94.25
Very nice
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Nice images here. a cozy poem. One correction:
"does her ears" should be "do her ears"
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How sweet! very nice write you described her well as she yearn for attention, with belly heavy.I could picture in my mind`s eye your cat and her efforts perhaps to have her belly rubbed, neck scratched and etc. Thank you.
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I think you did a great job with this and it's def a different topic they were looking for ~ best of luck in the contest
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