passing in snails pace
overlooking arid earth
that looked longingly
as mother,
suckling with dry breast.
high above
they are tempting
absorbed in their ways
never descend on brown
thirsting for water,
until green lush appears.
life on earth waits
arid blows hot
drive them away,
green invites it
with cool breeze.
have contempt
albeit thirsty,
starves brown
floods black
falls uneven
in mercurial ways.
showers plenty
submerge low,
leave deserts
thirsting,
make people
run for oasis.
Author notes
*POM CONTEST*
clouds play hide and seek with earth, showers plenty on wet lands, scarcely on arid.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended September 2, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Lovely images in this.
best wishes in this contest.
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Hi there,
Well I had considerable trouble with this write, it really does need a few connective words to enable the reader to grasp your meaning and also some punctuation so that the reader is not left gasping and rushing through each stanza. I think Trista has given you fine examples how the minimalism of your words leaves the reader hanging, wondering if they are understanding it or not. Other than that you have a great topic, lovely phrasing and some excellent imagery. My scores will speak to the individual areas of your write:
Title 9.6...I would click on this Title
Flow 8.95....meter is very choppy
Depth 9.45....nice depth
Theme 9.45..good Theme....read similar, but your approach is unique
Feelings 9.45...subtle but there.
Grammar 9.55....nice job...simple but effective.
Presentation 9.65....very nice
Uncommonness 9.25...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.4...I did ponder, just not a lot.
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Cupcrazy’s Score: 94.75
Nice work!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi there
As always, it's nice to see you again in the PO contests. Let's dig right in, yes?
It took a few times of reading this, but once your theme came through I found it had nice depth and some interesting imagery. I still have quite a bit of problem with your transitions from one thought to the next and understanding them clearly though.
Now that the ban on filler words has been lifted, I'd really like to see more connective words to even out the flow and help with clarity. Just to use one stanza as an example...
" life on earth waits
arid blows hot ("arid" is an adjective...but there's no noun for it to describe)
drive them away, (what is "them"? Again, we're missing a noun. Also, since "them" refers to something plural, "drive" should be "drives")
green invites it (ditto for "it"...I don't know what "it" is )
with cool breeze."
I could be way off base, and I'm sorry if I am, but taking what I think you meant...
"Life on earth waits
as arid winds blow hot.
Clouds, driven away,
seek invitations
from green fields
and cool breezes.
You have a very unique and minimalist way of writing, and I don't want to change that or suggest that you should - but I did want to give you an example of how connective words might make a difference in your writing. And mind you, this is just MO of what might help, so feel free to take it or leave it for whatever it's worth.
The other areas I looked at and my scores will be in with the final notes of the contest as usual...thanks so much for your entry and good luck!
Best wishes,
~J.
Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies are handed out.
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Hi and welcome to POM I thought that this
was a great poem the theme is one
that I have seen before but I felt that
you gave wrote it in a way that made
it original for me Nice job with this piece
My score will appear with my end notes
best wishes and much luck.
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Hello
*brown*....*thirsting*....*earth*....don't repeat if possible....I want to go forward in thought....not backwards
~Lovely job on this write....this is one of your better ones I have read in a long time.....I'm glad you were not stricted to banned filler words this time.....as a matter of fact, I see many areas where you could use more this time....especially for your Flows sake
I did find a tad bit of choppiness in yourlines, but after the second read, no problem ~
I do suggest, after the contest is over, go back and Cap the beginning of your lines,....and place some commas in there to slooow your Readers down.....such a lovley write, I would hate for anyone to miss out on a single word
Thank you for entering....good luck and God bless you,
Bear ~
Title 9.0...I would click on this Title -
Flow 8.7.....quite choppy.....for me -
Depth 9.5....good depth...wanted more info on a certain subject...more Telling needed -
Theme 9.1....not as creative as I would like to see -
Feelings 9.1..watch out for loss of personification -
Grammar 9.45....simple, yet nice job -
Presentation 9.6...way to be creative with only Black & White to work with -
Uncommonness 9.6...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.15...I did ponder for only a moment....watch out for lasting impression as well -
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Bears Score: 93.2
Not bad!
So good to see you back!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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a brilliant take on the promt dad with some fantastic descriptive imagery I realy enjoyed stanzas one going at a slow pace live is to short to rush and we must all learn to take things a bit slower and I enjoyed stanzas three-five good luck in the contest
maralisa your ap daughter
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Great theme, beatifully penned, good luck
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"passing in snails pace
overlooking arid earth
that looked longingly
as mother,
suckling with dry breast."
Tho I loved the entire poem, this is my favorite part.
A lovely description.
♥
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