I waken, I rise before there is light
Nature's called me before it is dawn
I'll stir up the fire left from last night.
I peer out the window as anyone might
There's a white frost all over my lawn
I waken, I rise before there is light.
Ghostly grey shadows give me a fright
As I try hard to stifle a yawn
I'll stir up the fire left from last night.
Shadows all leave in the early dawn light
They are chased by the light of the morn
I waken, I rise before there is light.
The birds are now flying and sing with delight
With warm sunshine all life is reborn
I'll stir up the fire left from last night.
The family is here, I do look a sight
I dress quickly and try not to yawn
I waken, I rise before there is light
I'll stir up the fire left from last night.
A contest entry
- The Beauty of a Villanelle by CitrineSunrise.
900 points, ended September 1, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Invited Only Rhyme Contest by piccola.
600 points, ended September 5, 2008, 4 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Great Villanelle by Victory Gin.
3150 points, ended November 21, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments please
Comments
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I could hear the music in your refrains (that particular iamb-iamb-anapest-iamb feel) but the b-rhymes took me out of the reading experience. I don't expect each line to be homogeneous but for some reason the different metrical feel from line to line was disorientating. The attempted consonant rhymes of "yawn/morn" didn't appear to have a purpose beyond retaining the sense of your sentence structure and seems forced in a form that brings out the power of rhyme. Beyond a couple of syntactical errors the story you told was clear so kudos for that. Thank you for entering.
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Thank you so much for your comments on this piece. Have you any suggestions as to how I may correct the errors you found. I would like to know your thoughts as I will then know where my work can be improved.
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Practice....
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That I will do.
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This is such a familiar, Australian morning that it makes me homesick - yet I am home!
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It is an Australian morning, but it may suit other places when its cold but no snow.
When you were over here you would have experienced this kind of morning, but I am so glad that you are Home.
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I can feel every verse in this poem...
Your words are so realistic and bring back fond memories to me. The lines have the feeling of the new day complete with the frost and the yawn. I shiver as I feel it.
To inspire such feelings you must write a 'good' poem and I like this one of yours, for that reason.
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Thanks for your kind comment. I write of things as I see them, either with my eyes as a view or as a feeling I get from what I see.I appreciate your feedback.It encourages me to keep going with my writing.
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"The family is here I do look a sight" I like that line a lot ... speaking of which lol. thank you so much for entering. Many were invited but few have accepted.
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I find that there are too many 'easy' contests and those requiring real poetry do not get enough support. Thank you for providing one I could enter.
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That's a great one Bob. It's been years since I've experienced a morning like that. Too much city living I guess. Good luck in the contest and keep your powder dry.
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Even in the cities there is beauty to be seen. It's differennt from the rural areas but it is there for those who wish to see it.I appreciate your comments, my friend, and I am pleased to share what I have.
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I liked this villanelle very much, particularly the imagery in "they are chased by the light of morn". I think this would have been a stronger poem if you had utilized more imagery and less description. Thank you for your entry. Peace, Liz
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Thank you again for your thoughtful comments. I will remember the imagery point you have made. I am still a learner and always hope for constructive comments.
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This is Bob, he does this; samples the morning when it is newly born.
I liked this poem, Bob, I don't what flavour it is, but it felt easy, unrushed and gently pleasant. I enjoyed the repetition of some of the lines, they provided a sense of wellbeing and soft anticipation of the day to come.
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Thank you, my love. I know you may be just a little biased but I do appreciate your comments, more so when we are both looking out the kitchen window.
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Yes, this is Bob, up early and feeling the dawn. This is really how he is.
I like this poem Bob, I don't know what type it is, but I enjoyed the repetition of some of the lines, it conveyed comfort, ease and a lack of rush. Just you anticipating the coming day.
A delicate and delightful poem.
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oops forgot the clappys
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Very good write. I liked the words you chose. Good job
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It may seem strange but I actually behave like this in the early mornings. Maybe its because we have cats, dogs and chickens at our place and they have no concern for what time is on a clock.
Many thanks for commenting.
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Love this. The setout is quite different from other poems you have written but very well done. I can image you rising in the morning and the changing of the light as the morning progresses. Good luck and well done.
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This is a similar poem to 'Idle fantasies'. Another Vilanelle. I put one in a contest and as it was a prewrite I had to do another to qualify for the contest. Strangely enough I do all the things I wrote about. I appreciate your kind words, thank you.
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very nice write i loved it a lot and hope to read more of what ou have to write...
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I am pleased you had an enjoyable read. I think all of us like having our work read. Maybe its part of what makes us writers. Thank you for taking the time to give enccouraging comments.
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Bob
You seem to be a master when it comes to nature and depicting it's wonders and beauty. One always gets a pictute of you standing with a brush in hand and canvas nearby.
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Ah my friend, don't I wish I had the time to do just that. I have the paints, I have the brushes, I have the canvas, just not enough time. Thank you for you generous comments.
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