Oh do those stars glow
and twinkle,
as the dark
clouds
flow across
and a light rain
sprinkles
Fun and play
now gone
no words to say,
no arms to wave
no one to save
poor old me
Laughter, maniacal
laughter sent
shivers down
my spine
the little boys
hatred vocal
"Last Year's toy"
he screamed, tying
a firecracker to my
feet,
the blast beamed to
the skies
and I couldn't even cry
Now I lay, under
the laughing moon
Last year's toys
BEWARE!
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended September 2, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
POM Contest, I think I may have broken a few rules...but this poem had to be written!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Hi and welcome to the Pom contest
I did think that it was a cute write
but I have seen this before so it
it not unique to me I wish there would of been
more to this piece. And I do agree it did remind me
of a scene from toy story.
My score will appear with my end notes
best wishes and much luck.
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Hi and welcome to the POM
I'm a bit confused first off, on why...if you know you've broken rules...you didn't remedy that when they were pretty easy ones to take care of?
The white background is a little tough for people it seems, but including POM and your theme in the AN is pretty basic. Still, as Bear said, nothing a couple points knocked off in the rules area of scoring won't take care of. But next time... 
Okay, let's dig into the poem, yes?
Personally, I liked your theme and thought you told a sad and memorable tale. Does it have the depth I'd like to see? No. But I do see potential for it, if used in more of a metaphorical way. But I think the thing that bothered me most was flow. The short lines made this very choppy, IMO. Line breaks and "white space" become very important especially when you aren't using punctuation, because they are the only thing telling a reader when to pause or stop. So for me, every time I'd barely get started, you'd stop me again.
In L1..."do"...or "how"?
Your title is one I would not click on...it really tells me nothing about the poem's subject, nor is it one that gets my curiosity going...
Although Bear has some good points about your focus, I rather enjoyed the different directions this took me. I thought the poem was about something else entirely up until the end of S3, so that was a nice surprise.
All in all, this does, IMO, need a bit of work, but I do hope you'll join us again as I'd love to see how you would approach a more serious subject. Sometimes I think poets try so hard to come up with an original theme, that depth and poetic tone are lost. Still, I did enjoy reading this and it made me smile.
Other areas I looked at and scored will be in the final notes...remember, no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies are handed out.
Best wishes,
~J. -
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Well, this poem came at me like a freight train - so I wrote out the inspiration. I would have to agree with all your comments, more depth - direction is required. Thanks to all for your valuable insights and critiques.
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Ok well since you can not change anything once a judge has commented which they have, I will go ahead as well with my judging. First off I could not figure out your theme, this piece seemed to just drift of, it was light and airy but without much focus. A few rules were broken as well so that's not going to help your score any. In these POM contests we are looking for impact and focus, something to really give us depth. This piece had none of that I am afraid but hopefully we will see your work again in the future.
My scores will reflect my thoughts on the individual areas:
Title 9.0...I wouldn't click on this Title...didn't do anything to captivate me.
Flow 9.0... flow was ok but it was too simplistic.
Depth 8.9....not much depth beyond the surface
Theme 8.90..couldn't really find the Theme... beyond the cute factor
Feelings 9.15...lacking..it just seemed to be empty
Grammar 8.9...very simple, better word choices are needed.
Presentation 8.9....it was ok not the best but not too bad.
Uncommonness 8.0...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 8.9...I didn't ponder at all, there was nothing to ponder about
Ability to follow Rules 8.50...prefect from what I can tell -
Cupcrazy’s Score: 88.15
Keep trying!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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I guess a little more time spent reading the rules..and then applying them would have helped out a bit - eh.
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Hello
I feel as thought there was not enough ficus on your Theme to allow the reader... ( me ) to follow your thoughts ~
Jumping from one thought to the next is sometimes okay, but unless there is clarification before you leave the last, then understanding the next will only be more misunderstood ~
You did forgot a couple of Rules.....no biggie... but it will cost you i the *Rules* department ~
The main thing about this write.....for me.....is focus.....or, lack of......however, I am sure others will find it more clear than myself.....but for me.....a tad shallow on depth ~
Good luck and God bless you!
Thank you for supporting this POM Contest,
Bear ~
Title 9.0...I would not want to click on this, unless I wanted to read about this Genre -
Flow 9.8...good flow....nice quick read
-Depth 9.5....good depth...wanted more info on a certain subject...more *Show*, than Tell -
Theme 9.45..abstract 'ish thought is hard to conquer in such a short write -
Feelings 9.45. personification is nice....just a tad awkward in focus -
Grammar 9.15....elementary and simple -
Presentation 9.3....long para.'s are a bit strenuous (sp) -
Uncommonness 8.9....looking for more crwativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 8.2...I did not ponder -
Ability to follow Rules 8...background....AN's-
Bears Score: 90.75
Not bad
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Well this is another one to re-edit, thanks for you input and comments...
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Well first off you have broken a number of rules here. You did not put POM and your theme in the authors notes and you are using a blue background instead of the required write. I believe all of these should be rectified before this piece can be judged.
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Wicked theme, reminds me of toy story. A well told tale you have penned. You need to put POM and theme in your AN tho Good luck
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