He’s the man with perfect hair,
neatly pressed …black suited, red tie
under his manicured nails,
are dirty deeds,
unseen to wandering eyes
out of a limo, I watch him step
…along side him
the slender mannequin
sports a two ton rock
[as she smiles for paparazzi]
they fail to notice,
…she’s bowlegged!
and I am atoned-
she loves herself more,
than this man with his name atop
the 4oth floor,
of an eastside building
as though, he's God himself-
overlooking his miniature people,
to a city below
when a swift wind blew,
taking his toupee off…
I had to laugh…
'he's just another,
bald business old man'
chasing the image,
he couldn’t keep.
Author notes
theme; rich and famous
entry for; poem of the month contest
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended September 2, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Hi and welcome to the Pom contest
I have not seen a write like this
one before so this is unique to me
I did enjoy this piece it shows the life
is just the same as an ordinary person
My score will appear with my end notes
best wishes and much luck. -
Hi there
I really loved your imagery, thought it was spot-on for the most part. I felt it made me rely more on my own preconceived notions of what this kind of man (and woman) look like than your own, but either way it painted a good picture in my mind.
I did, honestly, have problems with most of the ellipsis used in the poem, with the exception maybe of the ones before "bowlegged". In L2...I really couldn't see what purpose they served other than interrupting the flow...for me. In L7, because of the inverted line preceding it, I had to read a couple of times because at first it seemed like he was stepping alongside himself, which of course made no sense
Those used toward the end of the poem would have been better as commas, IMO. Both are going to make your reader pause, but the ellipsis makes the reader pause for a longer period of time...as if there should be something more to ponder before moving on to the next thought. And for me...there was nothing to really ponder, as this is all pretty straight forward. Of course I say this tongue in cheek, as I love using them myself...but not too often in my poetry. 
A couple lines were awkward IMO...the inverted L6 as well as "bald business old man". It made me wonder why you'd made those grammatical choices instead of keeping my focus on the poem itself. Honestly, I would rather see the "bald business old man" and the preceding line taken out of the poem altogether. I think that's a conclusion the reader will easily come up with themselves, so to spell it out seems a bit too straightforward and "in your face". Maybe an ending something along the lines of,
"I had to laugh,
as I watched him chase the image
he couldn't keep
down the street"
But as always, just a suggestion.
Now, before it sounds like I'm totally picking this apart, I do think it's a pretty solid entry for the most part. A little tweaking might be in order, but mostly in the grammar and punctuation areas of scoring...which are actually grouped together on my scoreboard...meaning there is a lot of room to make up for that, which this easily does in imagery and lasting impression.
Thanks so much for your entry and good luck...would love to see more of your talents in future PO contests.
Best wishes,
~J.
Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies are handed out.
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Exceptional review Julie
-
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I like this a lot. A real "slice of life" poem.
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Hello
*two-ton*
*40*th is not correct....you have 4oth
A tad bit on the Short Story *Tone*, but I enjoyed this
I have seen this Theme before, yet, your approach is unique ~
You have many descriptives and your Imagery is spot-on ~
It's good to see you in the POM....I have not seen your work for some time ~
I will be looking for more creativity if you join us again, and take me places withing your write.....less Show, and more *Tell*
These are only my opinions as one of your Judges...thank you for taking the time to enter....God bless you,
Bear ~
Title 9.6...I would not want to click on this, unless I wanted to read about this Genre...however, it did peek my interest -
Flow 9.7..nice....punc's used at just the right places..nicely formatted....creative format as well -
Depth 9.5....good depth....just wanted more info on subjects (characters) -
Theme 9.15.a tad common....lookinf or more creativity -
Feelings 9.1..watch out for loss of personification -
Grammar 9.85....nice job...wisely chosen -
Presentation 9.9...way to be creative with only Black & White to work with -
Uncommonness 9.6...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.8...I did ponder, but more-so about your write itself -
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Bears Score: 96.2
Nice job Mal
No editing once a Judge has touched your work !
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A very nice piece, good presentation and great take on your theme. Although this theme is not unusual, your approach to it was indeed creative. I liked the format you chose and felt the punctuation added to the piece. Your imagery was well done and your piece had a message so therefore it gave us something to ponder, although it didn't really make me go too deep within, it still made me reflect somewhat. I would have liked to see more use of metaphor, simile and other poetic devices as this read a tad to straightforward to me. Also the title is a bit too bland and really wouldn't entice me to click. My scores reflect my views on other areas.
Title 9.0...I wouldn't click on this Title...didn't entice me to click.
Flow 9.75....flow is great.... nice and smooth -
Depth 9.55....not a lot of depth besides the obvious comparisons but it still made me think.
Theme 9.65..good Theme....read similar, but your approach is unique -
Feelings 9.25...lacking..this Theme should have been filled with anger or satire, it should have dripped disdain but it didn't, it stated your opinion , rather than having us feel it.
Grammar 9.6....not bad could have been a little more diverse in some of your choices.
Presentation 9.75....nicely presented.
Uncommonness 9.25...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.5...I did ponder, but not nearly as much as I should have.
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Cupcrazy’s Score: 95.3
Nice work!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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I adore the images in this write - on the money, no pun intended Love, Lane
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Fabulous!
Interesting and fresh! A greatly amusing and intuitive write. Best of luck in the contest. -
Super take on the theme you chose. All the best in the contest
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An awesome take on the rich and famous. Putting their pants on one leg at a time, smug and decaying daily as every other body is. Love your sightfulness.
Sam
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lol
businessmen are all facades,as i see the fake images as i go on my way, the maniwuin
is just his gift to play with as his date lol
good job good luck
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