I’m the deafening sound of your silence.
I hear loneliness when I'm outdoors.
I hear sorrow when I'm cooped up in the house.
But when you're there, I hear your love.
I’m the black light in your darkness.
I close my eyes and tell what I see.
My eyelids show my depth, my broken spirit.
But when you're there, I see your lively soul.
I’m the freezing flame of your warmth.
So cold I'm shivering, though I'm overly layered.
Fire and snow clashing into one, making my body shake.
But when you're there, I notice our body heats matching.
I’m the empty feeling of your emptiness.
Questioning what the point is, no longer do I have a choice.
My outer shell is cold and brooding, but inside I'm so alone.
But when you're there, you break me open and keep me sane.
Author notes
<3
theme: uhhh...feelings i guess?
poem of the month. 
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended September 2, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Hi there,
Well although you had depth of emotion in this piece there were so many other areas that I found lacking IMO. The grammar and punctuation needs work as does your poetic tone. Whenever you use a lot of "I's", I did, I went, I felt, you are in the realm of a narrative story, or prose, if your lines were pared down considerably and a more poetic tone and phrasing adopted you would end up with a very nice piece. The subject you wrote on is a tad too common, so finding new ways to breathe life and interest is a hard thing to accomplish. My scores will reflect my other thoughts on the write:
Title 9.1...I would not click on this Title...didn't intrigue me
Flow 9.05....no flow between sentences, non-connective. Each was a statement with a period. So endings become harsh and abrupt.
Depth 9.15....there wasn't depth of subject, it told, that's it.
Theme 9.15..overused Theme....
Feelings 9.45...emotion was tangible..could have gone deeper with better word choices and phrasing
Grammar 9.1....very simplistic
Presentation 9.25....not a fan of poetry that is so heavily punctuated by periods, makes me feel like it is just a string of statements.
Sit & Ponder Affect 8.8...I didn't ponder
Ability to follow Rules 9.8...prefect except for the background color.
Cupcrazy’s Score: 82.85
Nice try!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi there and welcome to the POM
I did enjoy this piece but it is not unique
to me as I have written about it and have seen others
that have also but non the less it is a great piece
and I did enjoy the read theonly thing that I have issues with
is that it is centerd.My score will appearwith my end notes best wishes and much luck.
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Hi there,
I don't recall seeing you in a PO contest before, so welcome.
I hope you find this to be a positive experience for you, with suggestions from all your judges that are helpful.
Okay, let's dig in.
Firstly, I agree with Bear I'd rather see this left aligned, but that is a personal preference for the most part. However, left aligning this gives you the advantage of really being able to keep track of how long your lines are getting to be. There's this weird tendency for lines in a poem to get longer and longer as they go along...which I'm sure you can see yours does as well, and that does have an effect on your flow.
I felt you had some nice depth and emotion in the write, but unfortunately it's such a common subject that it's quite a challenge to make your theme seem fresh and alive.
However, the further down into your feelings you can go, combined with different poetic devices you might not be familiar with yet, the better your chances of doing so are going to be. 
The basic structure of your poem seems good...all that's really lacking is practice and experience, IMHO. My best advice is to read as much poetry as you have time for, and become familiar with poetic devices like metaphors, similes, alliteration and meter. Any knowledge you gain about poetry is only going to take that raw talent I believe I can see here, and form it into all-around better writing. The PO contests are a good place to start because you'll always get honest and constructive feedback on your poem, and if you read winners from past contests you'll get a good idea of what we generally look for. We'd love to have you join the PO group as well...it not only provides links to past and current PO contests, but it's a great group of writers all looking to improve their poetry.
http://allpoetry.com/group/show/Contests%20for%20POD%20POW%20POM%20POY
Just a couple of other small, technical things...
I don't believe the "s" is needed on "body heats"...should just be "body heat"
In your last stanza, you use both empty and emptiness in the same line. You'll often see us judges comment to poets about not repeating uncommon words in a poem, which can take away impact from the word, and is a lost opportunity to add grammatical variation. Dig out a thesaurus or visit a site like rhymezone.com (which gives rhymes as well as synonyms, antonyms, and definitions) There are sooo many interesting words in the English language, so don't limit yourself to just one. Not to mention, sometimes the "right" word is one you don't even realize until you see it.
Thanks so much for joining us, and taking the time to share your thoughts and feelings. Sounds like you've got someone pretty special in your life and that can certainly help with those feelings of loneliness we all feel from time to time.
Good luck and Best wishes,
~J.
P.S. My scores and other areas of the poem I looked at will be in with the final notes of the contest...and remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies are handed out.
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Hello :)
I'm going to left-align for my own sanity :)
I’m the deafening sound of your silence.
I hear loneliness when I'm outdoors.
I hear sorrow when I'm cooped up in the house.
But when you're there, I hear your love.
I’m the black light in your darkness.
I close my eyes and tell what I see.
My eyelids show my depth, my broken spirit.
But when you're there, I see your lively soul.
I’m the freezing flame of your warmth.
So cold I'm shivering, though I'm overly layered.
Fire and snow clashing into one, making my body shake.
But when you're there, I notice our body heats matching.
I’m the empty feeling of your emptiness.
Questioning what the point is, no longer do I have a choice.
My outer shell is cold and brooding, but inside I'm so alone.
But when you're there, you break me open and keep me sane.Ok....I enjoyed this write....however, I believe you should stay away from * I * so much ~
When you bring * I * into your thoughts so much, you leave out Focus on other things which will carry me from one place to another......leaving no movement within your write and causing the reader...( Me ), to be stagnant ~
I will be looking for MUCH more creativity in your quill next time you join us....I can see talent....but it's up to you to show it off for us :)
Thank you for entering and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.4...I would click on this.....but not the best Title....IMO -
Flow 9.0....middle-align is a huge no-no....for me....and lengthy lines ruin the Flow....for me -
Depth 9.5....good depth...wanted more info on a certain subject -
Theme 8.45 ....stay fovcused and you'll have a winner -
Feelings 9.1..watch out for over-focus on * I * -
Grammar 7.5...already discussed about Tone...* I * is over-used -
Presentation 9.0....not a fan of middle-align -
Uncommonness 7.0... looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 5.8...I did not ponder -
Ability to follow Rules 9.75...prefect from what I can tell, just watch that background color :) -
Bears Score: 84.5
Not bad....stay focused!
:)
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Excellent write. Full of great emotions. You need to put theme and POM in your AN as per rules All the best
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wow
that you are only 15 yrs old and wrote this! It is so pure. Love the last line especially: but when you're there, you break me open and keep me sane.
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