I can’t make up my mind about the color red
The negatives & positives have me confused
Just when I have, my mind decided – instead
I find it even more difficult to choose.
Lack and failure (on tests) are usually marked in red
buying things, the man in Santa’s red suit puts in his sled
can “Land” a red neck - in the red with too much debt
Yet, these red things are deemed signs of success.
Red is the color they say the devil is
but red is for true love and Valentines.
Once, Russia had bunches of “red” communists
but red-blooded Americans blood is red,(most of the time.)
Is the ruby red shimmering of the hummingbird
(When the red sky warns of a storm) - worth
more than the powerful red hawk that hunts her?
and Where do ladybugs and robins go to church?
When I say red skins, I could mean potatoes
or ball players, or the Natives (that were here before)
and neither ball players nor red Indians, (at least not most)
come from India, nor do they have red skin, or red sox (of course.)
In the Red light district many red lights cause annoyance.
Red heads parked in a red zones wear red coats and hot pants.
Red Cross workers seek redline avoidance.
Chapped hands caught red handed is just happenstance.
I turn red or see red when I'm angry, (but not really)
or take the red eye, when I'd rather hit the sack.
No trivia herein of red (so far) can leave me reeling
like the impact understated in these last four facts:
There is no training for what would be the right voice inflection
relating, “you’re HIV positive” or “I’m pregnant” blood test information,
and it was a future sacrifice illustration
when blood-over-door protected the first-born of a nation.
So there you have it, a silly synopsis on the color red
and “ways of speak” that I bet you hadn’t thought of.
Did you get a kick out of the language threads?
(But then, that might hurt,)& I never got to the bottom of - red.
Author notes
fun with words. POM contest
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended September 2, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed your theme and reading it was a fun trip to the candy store. My favorite line "and Where do ladybugs and robins go to church?" You can almost write a poem for this contest all over again with this as the subject matter! You are creative in just that line alone!
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Hi there, well as Bear said not a unique theme but certainly a very clever take on it. I found the lines could have been pared down somewhat it would help to make this more poetic in feel and tone. Your grammar was good, as was your presentation except for breaking the rule on the background usage. There was a lot of information in your piece that captured the mind and not too much that would overload it, so that is a good thing.
The only trouble is in a piece as light as this it is very hard to have depth of any kind beyond the surface. It won't make you feel nor remember, it simply states and is what it is. My scores will reflect my thoughts on other areas:
Title 9.0...I would not click on this Title...didn't entice me any. Too simply stated I think.
Flow 9.55....Wasn't bad but could be improved with a paring down of words and better phrasing.
Depth 9.15....no depth here, the piece told more than anything.
Theme 9.25..overused Theme....read similar, but your approach is unique -
Feelings 9.15...lacking..hard to infuse emotion into this kind of piece.
Grammar 9.65....nice job
Presentation 9.65....except for the background, good job.
Uncommonness 9.25...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.0...I did not ponder.
Ability to follow Rules 9.75...prefect from what I can tell except for the background choice.
Cupcrazy’s Score: 93.4
Nice job!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi there and welcome to pom
First off I think that this is the most
creative I have seen here in a long time
it is a tad long but that will not effect my score much
I love that you did the good and bad of this
I really dont have any complaints about this
you did a great job here.
My score will appear with my end notes
best wishes and much luck.
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Hi and welcome to the POM!
Gosh...just when I didn't think you could possibly come up with more examples of "red" things...you did...again, and again, and again!
Your focus on the theme was superb, and even though it covers a lot of ground as Bear said, I never felt overloaded with information, thoughts or images. Nice job.
However....
There are quite a few lines that IMO get fuzzy in their clarity...
L6 and 7 - it took several readings before I could grasp the intended flow and meaning. Taking out the comma after "things" would help tremendously, then add one to the end of the line. Another idea would be to try and simplify the line a bit..."buying things Santa (in a red suit) puts in his sled" for example. My suggestion for the following line would be, "can land a redneck in the red, with too much debt" I'm somewhat torn on whether to use the quotation marks around "redneck" and "in the red". Both are expressions much like "red communists" or "red-blooded American", but since you don't use them for most, I'd refrain from using them in any. Consistency is the main thing, IMO...others might disagree though.
The one place I would use them is in the line:
When I say, "red skins," I could mean potatoes
(because it's quoting a spoken phrase)
S4 is another that could use some tightening up and clarity added. Actually...there are more lines than not, that I feel could be whittled down, giving this better flow and clarity all around, also avoiding some of the repetition. For example: Instead of "I turn red or see red when I'm angry" you could write, "I turn and see red when I'm angry"
I thought your ending fell just a wee bit flat, but I imagine this wasn't an easy poem to "wrap up" at the end, either! You might just want to let the poem sit for a while and come back to it down the road. Often that's enough to give you a better view of what needs changed, or give a flash of inspiration on how to better end a poem.
I've just spent about 10 minutes looking at nothing but your rhyming... LOL It honestly intrigued me, because I'm not sure if it was done with intent and on purpose, or is simply put together haphazardly. In any case, I loved it because it has a very interesting mix of near, true, and eye rhymes, as well as some fun plays with your vowel sounds in general. I'm normally one to dislike rhyme schemes that aren't uniform and consistent, but this worked really nicely and kept me from guessing where the poem was going, as far as grammatical choices go.
I thoroughly enjoyed this look at the color red, and thank you for sharing it in the POM. My scores and other areas I looked at will be in with the final notes of the contest.
Good luck and Best wishes,
~J.
Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies are handed out.
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Hello
A new look at Red....wow
Not sure I can say this is a REAL creative Theme, but your approach is definately unique
On the other hand......I do enjoy a write whch takes me places and brings me back again....I did not feel as though I went any place at all, except within thought......I would suggest maybe focusing on a minimal of two to three subjects you have mentioned, and bringing out more detail about each ~
You have covered a lot of ground in this write, and that is not to say it is bad.....only a tad....fulfilling
Focus on highlights of your subject...( red )....and bring out the best of each point ~
Thank you for entering....so nice to have you joinn us this month
God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.0...I would not want to click on this, unless I wanted to read about this Genre -
Flow 9.7..nice....punc's used at just the right places..yet wordy -
Depth 9.8....good depth...wanted more info on a certain subject...more Tell -
Theme 9.45..not bad
-Feelings 9.1..watch out for loss of personification -
Grammar 9.85....nice job...wisely chosen -
Presentation 9.0...all quatrains tend to become monotonous in Tone, after a spell -
Uncommonness 9.6...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.8...I did ponder, but more-so about your write itself -
Ability to follow Rules 9.75....no backgrounds or borders allowed...per se' the rules -
Bears Score: 95.05
Nice!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Lady Dementia
thank you
jingle -
Wow, very interesting theme, you have had fun with the word red. I know I wouldn;t have come up with half as much. Excellent read, good luck
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