i feel the sky get darker as i cross over imaginary lines in the dirt
this guilt doesn't belong to me, but i do own the hurt
i watch the scenery slowly change to desert landscape and all i feel is pain
because this is the place my shoulders grew tired from carrying all the blame
but i'm not bound to this place, my hands and ankles are free
i'm only imprisoned by the shackles that are inside of me
i trapped myself on the shadowed side of Zion, and drove myself insane
because for me, this place has always been tainted by hatred and shame
but too many years this has been the place i've called home
now there is a disease that occupies the halls in which my thoughts roam
so i waste my life, waiting for this sickness to go into remission
but i should've realized there is little hope for some one that's in my condition
i listen intently, but there are words i know that will never by spoken
so i second guess myself, and wonder if my will has been broken
i'm drawing a blank, searching for the words i want to say
but silence is all i know, so i clean the dirt out from under my nails the hard way
i've always tried to rely on my innate knowledge, as one of my survival tools
trying to stay alive on this voyage, aboard this ship of fools
and i know it's hard to put a puzzle together when some of the pieces are missing
just like the creature's most likely venomous if it's mouth won't stop hissing
but the future hasn't been written, and what happens now i guess it all depends
so i'm wondering, if i wreck your flowers, can we still by friends
motivation and direction are lost, because i've been a slave to hatred and fear
my priorities have become disoriented, so i'm staring at a clock that has read 20 to 7 for over a year
and i have the kind of filth that soap and water won't wash away
so i wonder what happened to that black cat that i crossed in front of today
i can't seem to clean my wounds, no matter how much i lick
i know i'm sitting on a bomb, because when i'm silent i can hear it tick
if i could find the motivation i would cover my ears with my hands
sounds make syllables, and syllables make words i don't understand
like garbled noises, the meanings i don't comprehend at all
and their echos resound freely, because there are no pictures on my walls
life is just random acts of nature, dictated by many different choices
and the world is a chorus of chaos, sung by so many different voices
who sing the song of the apocalypse every night on my TV screen
and even with earplugs, those whispers sound like screams
the madness i hear all around, i try to translate into words on this page
so i kneel down, and pray for God to unleash his rage
and i ask him to touch me and heal my wounds
but even the best of us deserve to be doomed
and he says i have the kind of wounds that can never be healed
so i rub salt all over myself and accept that my fate has been sealed
as i stand in the middle of this maze, because i know that i'm lost
screamng at the top of my lungs, hoping some one will hear this poetic holocaust
Author notes
POM
wondering if my geographical location had any bearing on who i've become
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended September 2, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Hi and welcome to the Pom contest
First off I must stay there
was alot of imformation here
and you went way over the line limit but
with something like this I do understand
having alot to say in this but this to me is
just to much information that I think could of been
formed alot better and the flow of this was not there
as it felt like I was reading a speech or a Sunday
morning preaching that never ended
My score will appear with my end notes
best wishes and much luck. -
Hello
I have to agree with your other Judges on many areas of their critiques ~
I do enjoy this write very much, however, cutting back on Filler Words and focusing will bring attention to your Theme, and not throw me around inside of your write waiting for the next thought to surface ~
Very nice....good luck and God bless,
Bear ~
Title 9.0...I would not want to click on this, unless I wanted to read about this Genre -
Flow 7.7...punc's are all over the place and not fairly organized...but not bad
-Depth 9.5....good depth...wanted more info on a certain subject -
Theme 9.15..distracting, lengthy lines cause obstruction in your Theme....IMHO -
Feelings 9.1..watch out for loss of personification -
Grammar 7.5....filler words are your enemy here -
Presentation 3.0....I think you know by now, one long Para is not going to gain your write favor.....from me -
Uncommonness 9.6...nice....but will be looking for more creativity next time -
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.8...I did not ponder much -
Ability to follow Rules 9.25...Poetic Format is caled for -
Bears Score: 81.6
Not bad
Just more focus and less wordy lines
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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I wasn't recommending Homeward Bound, just using it as a way of showing you how one simplistic title makes you not want to read it and another title makes you wonder about the journey lol.
As for how to whittle it down here is an example ok
you said "like garbled noises, the meanings i don't comprehend at all"
if you changed it to, "garbled noises, meanings without comprehension" it is more poetic with more focus and impact, of course that changes your rhyme with the ending of at all, but "at all" is just filler, it is not needed for impact like using to many "the's, and of, and that.
another example : you said
"and their echos resound freely, because there are no pictures on my walls"
(echos is spelled incorrectly as well, it should be echoes.
if you said instead
"echoes resound freely, no pictures on my walls"
Anyway these are just suggestions, I also suggest that you read some of the fine poets on the site, look at their presentation, their free verse impact, the way brevity is used to maximum effect and yet provides so much imagery and emotion.
Hope this is helpful, hugs, Bunny
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i was really just giving you a hard time about the homeward bound, but i appreciate your insight, and the line with "at all" at the end, i kind of understand the other comment about simplistic ryhme, who can't ryhme a word with all, but with comprehension,.........tension? but why would echoes resound freely, "because" there are no pictures on the wall, those words i feel have, or i guess i need to use to fully explain what i mean, does it really have the same potency, as you suggested? because that's what i'm going for, is showing the emotion,
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I too thought this was quite good and was pleasantly surprised once I got past the the overwhelming presentation. Poetically the lines are way too long, there is a total lack of punctuation that could have added to this piece. It had wonderful emotion, very nice rhythm and flow and the rhyme was very subtle which all enhanced this piece.
I think if you could whittle down these lines, work on your breaks and punctuation, you could give this piece a greater focus and impact. Which would make it more poetic and less like storytelling which it is now.
My scores will reflect my thoughts on specific areas:
Title 9.4...I would not click on this Title...too straightforward. Ex: "Coming Home" is a little bland
whereas "Homeward Bound" hints at a journey and makes me want to read it.
Flow 9.65.... The rhythm and rhyme were good but the lines way too long to be poetically captivating.
Depth 9.75....good depth made me ponder the life of the writer
Theme 9.85..great Theme....I found it unique -
Feelings 9.85...great..I could feel the emotion, the questioning in this piece.
Grammar 9.8....nice job..
Presentation 9.25....needs line shortening and more punctuation
Uncommonness 9.85...nice....haven't really read anything similar so kudos for that
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.9...I did ponder, I live on an Island so it led me to wonder about whether I myself am the person I am because of the isolation I live or would I have been different had I grown up somewhere where access to other states or countries was a short hop away and there was a large populous of different nationalities etc.
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Cupcrazy’s Score: 97.3
Very Nice!
No editing once a judge has touched your work!
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but i did love michael J fox
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again, what could i do to whittle down the lines, lack of punctuation, etc? i'm glad you liked it, but i've been told before the presentation was off putting. so if you could be specific, i could take it in tow and learn something, but like i said below, it's supposed to sound story like, like crazy thoughts just spilling from some one's head, i appreciate the critique, but about the title, homeward bound, just sounds so disney, oh wait that is disney, i'm sorry, just teasing
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Hi there and welcome to the POM!
I’m thinking you are new to the PO contests...so I hope you’ll find this to be a good experience for you.
When I started reading this, I noticed right away that you have some really wonderful metaphors and similes...the problem is...they are being “hidden” with soooo many other words, words that have very little impact or power in their own right, and therefore bog the poem down.
In previous PO contests we’ve had a rule that the words “the, and, is, of, that, to” were banned...I would love to see you experiment and try writing a poem...maybe even this one?...without using those words, just to try something different for yourself. One of the wonderful things about poetry is that you don‘t have to abide by all the rules of prose, such as writing in complete sentences...plus, the more compact you can make your poem, the better your chance of leaving great impact.
I’d also suggest breaking your poem into stanzas. It’s really intimidating to see a poem without any breaks in it!
It can make readers feel like they aren’t going to have any chance to breathe...and absorb the thoughts and images you’re presenting to them. Also, for the PO contests, we don’t count breaks as lines...so even if you broke this into quite a few stanzas it’d still be considered 40 lines.
Because this is written in such a prose-ish style...it looses much of it’s poetic tone and beauty, as well as the impact I mentioned earlier...IMO. If you could cut this into even half the words you have now, I think you’d be amazed at the difference...and if you for some reason don’t like it? Well...all you’ve lost is a few minutes of your time.
Oh! 
And don’t forget the punctuation! Commas, periods, semi-colons, etc. are like road signs that help guide the reader and help pace your poem. I didn’t have any issue with clarity or understanding your poem even without periods and such, but much of the time it IS necessary to make a poem clear.
It looks like you did use spell check, which we always appreciate...unfortunately, there are times it doesn’t catch quite everything...like:
L 13 “will never by (be) spoken”
L22 “can we still by (be) friends”
Oops.
I think you have a good balance of show and tell in your poem, somewhat simple but not terribly forced rhyming, and wonderful metaphors. With some work on using word economy, your scores in any PO contest would definitely soar.
Other areas I looked at will be revealed in the final notes of the contest...and remember...no editing once a judge has commented...until after trophies have been awarded.
Thanks so much for your entry, and I hope you’ll join us again in future PO contests. Your other judges should be along behind me tonight or tomorrow...
Best wishes,
~J.
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i am new to this, this is my first, i've been told before, i need to shorten it up a bit, my notebook is like my friend, so it's like i'm telling a story that just happens to rhyme, so maybe you have some examples of how i could shorten it, cut out some words, because when people talk, that's how they talk, i apprecitae your comments and your knowledge, i always want to improve, but mostly i want to get the emotion out, but somewhat simple ryhme, explain?
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Oh, Gosh...you know, I hesitate to give examples when they make such major changes...because no one is going to know exactly what you want to express better than you...but I will message you an example of the first half dozen lines or so. Bunny and Bear may have examples for you as well. As for "simple rhyme", just meaning using rhymes that are very commonly used...like "free" and "me"...it's a rhyme you will see really often. Usually you will find them in one and two syllable words, so more complex vowels or vowel sounds make for more complex rhymes. Some of your other rhymes...like "pain" and "blame" for example...is a near rhyme...and not as predictable as true rhymes often are....so it's a nice surprise for the reader if they can't guess what word is coming. Generally I would suggest sticking with true rhymes if that's what the poem mostly contains, but your near rhymes are well done and barely noticeable, nicely integrated, which is a good thing.
As for your comment about this being how people talk...I guess that's why we have both prose and poetry. Prose HAS to be written in complete sentences, with all the proper connecting words. Poetry on the other hand...is often a very compact version of prose, so it really depends on what kind of poetry you want to write. "Story poetry" is quite common...but generally doesn't do well in PO contests. That doesn't make it "bad", just different from the format we look for.
As Bunny said...the emotion of your poem comes through really well, but I think it could be lost to those who are too put off by format to really read it...and there's always room for even more impact...which I think you could achieve with a bit of editing.
My best advice...is to read as much poetry as you can. If you'd like to join the PO group we have, it'll provide you with links to some of the past PO contests and winners, which might be a good place to start. (Plus it's a great bunch of poets all looking to improve their writing! )
http://allpoetry.com/group/show/Contests%20for%20POD%20POW%20POM%20POY
I hope that helps, and answers your questions a little better.
~J.
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This is actually very good, you thoughts and emotions are strong and superbly portrayed. The presentaion is off putting, but that is just my opinion You need to put POM and theme in you AN, as per the rules Good luck
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good but--
the lines are super long--you could hack out half the worlds and have a super strong poem.
check it out--
madness i hear all around put into words on this page
so i kneel down, and pray for God to unleash his rage
and i ask him to touch me and heal my wounds
but even the best of us deserve to be doomed
he says i have wounds that can never be healed
so i rub salt all over myself--my fate has been sealed
as i stand in this maze, because i know that i'm lost
screaming--hoping someone will hear this poetic holocaust
more potent--more powerful.
just a thought. don't mean to tread.
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