Demented clowns encircle luscious obscure flowers
alerting the ring leader upon his magisterial stilts
All the while performers pick little children to devour
as the master pours pure Mercury hoping the flower wilts
Severed hands and broken veins begin to free fall from the sky
as circus dancers and hungry dogs devour the falling feast
The flower symbolised new beginning and an end to the good-byes
so the ring leader got fire to extinguish the hopeful beast
A new arrival arrives in a silk lined glass case
skin white as angels wings and eyes defined like a million ice caged lashes
She arose from her slumber with a subtle lingering embrace
When she got up it was her canines she flashes
And with a smile of approval and a cut on his wrist
the leader accepted the thirsty woman into his pack of cannibals;freak show
He lowered his wrist and in the name of blood christened her with no resist
and on this night who would have guessed this woman with skin like snow
That this here woman in the misty night was Living dead snow white
Author notes
hmm i tried to make it original...did i fail? or not?
heh hope its ok:
POM [ poem of the month]
And my theme is: A cannibalistic circus of killers and a dead but alive [vampire or something] snow white joining them after being sent there 
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended September 2, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments are honoured
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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THIS WAS AMAZING ! it6s so so so like......morbid and original and almost vindictive, i must say i LOVE the titles of your poems
i really have never seen anything like them
Demented clowns encircle luscious obscure flowers
alerting the ring leader upon his magisterial stilts
pure magic -
The way your words and imagery flow is just......astounding.
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WOW.
You surely have a way with words, & using them so wonderfully in a poem. I was absolutely blown away by this piece;; it was so vivid and raw and completely breathtaking. I love how you structured this.
-Severed hands and broken veins begin to free fall from the sky
as circus dancers and hungry dogs devour the falling feast
The flower symbolised new beginning and an end to the good-byes
so the ring leader got fire to extinguish the hopeful beast
...
Great stanza there. Very well worded ♥
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breathtaking baby girl <3
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I LOVED THIS! It's beautiful work so amazing yuou are love, I miss you
hope you#'re ok love xxx
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Hey I like it... I like it alot! It's abstract, insane, and outright wicked!
These lines though
A new arrival arrives in a silk lined glass case
skin white as angels wings and eyes defined like a million ice caged lashes
In my opinion could be slightly reworked, to adjust the flow. I wont give you an expample in case it's against the rules.
In all - FANSTASTIC what a ride!!
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this is sweet.
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Hi and welcome to the Pom contest
First off let me say that I love twisted fairy tales
and I personally l love what you have done here
I think that it is amazing and held
me through the first line until the end
I am rather fond of the third stanza
very nicely done.
My score will appear with my end notes
best wishes and much luck.
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Hello
Cap *Ring Leader*....as this is a direct Noun ~
*silk-lined*
*ice-caged*
I enjoyed this alot....read a tad prose and Short Story Tone, but still had moments of beauty and Poetic Flow ~
I would go back and edit as you read, as I feel you are missing numerous commas to slow your Reader down, so they, ( I ) could enjoy your Tone ~
Very Creative....this is the way you win a Contest.....not saying it will, but sure is the best I have read thus far
Good luck and God bless,
Bear ~
Title 9.0...I would not want to click on this, unless I wanted to read about this Genre -
Flow 9.6 .....watch out for run-ons....slow me down some
-Depth 9.5....good depth...wanted more info on a certain subject...more *Show*, than Tell -
Theme 9.95..loved it -
Feelings 9.1..watch out for loss of personification -
Grammar 9.85....nice job...wisely chosen -
Presentation 9.9...way to be creative -
Uncommonness 9.9...nice -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.8...I did ponder, but more-so about your write itself -
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Bears Score: 96.6
Great job!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi there A very creative take on a beloved fairy tale character. It was quite unique and had very rich dark imagery. Put poetically it lacked as it was far more story than poetry. In the end this gave me little to ponder or question, it told a tale much as a fairytale would, left a trail of dark imagery, but beyond the trail there were no bread crumbs or morsels of messages to dwell upon. I also found that the overuse of adjectives ruined the flow for me, as in the first line,
"Demented clowns encircle luscious obscure flowers", it is just too much and I feel should be pared down so as to draw the reader in without giving away to much of the piece at the beginning. Even just removing one word makes it better I feel as in "Demented clowns encircle obscure flowers". There is a lot of forced rhyming going on and the phrasing seems to have suffered because of that I believe. You need to work on your rhyming as well as punctuation. My scores will outline other areas that need consideration and improvement:
Title 9.3...I would not click on this Title...It told to much and therefore was not enticing nor intriguing.
Flow 9.35.... Flow was not great, poor rhyming and inconsistent punctuation hurt the overall piece.
Depth 8.90....no depth, it was a story, had no meaning to deliver, gave nothing to ponder, it told it's tale and beyond that said nothing.
Theme 9.65..Nice twist on an overused Theme.... your approach was unique -
Feelings 9.00...sorely lacking... It didn't make me feel anything I'm afraid, again I enjoyed the tale, just didn't care whether snow white was dead or alive.
Grammar 9.2....not so good, need work on rhyme, punctuation and word choice.
Presentation 9.25....not really a fan of really long sentences in poetry, I think you could shorten these lines and choose better line breaks and it would poetically add a new dimension to the work.,
Uncommonness 9.25...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.0 I did ponder, but only about the creativity of the author's mind.
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Cupcrazy’s Score: 92.9
Nice!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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WOW! this poem is excellent.. I absolutely love the first stanza.. the imagery is outstanding and beautifully dark. which my dear daughter brings a smile to your mothers face. or more like a grin
..
good luck in the contest.
I love you lots
mommy
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wow! you have very powerful stlye, and great pictures vocabulary
poem is strong but it flows easily. brava!!!!!
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Hi and welcome to the POM!
Wow!...you have an incredibly vivid and creative imagination, for sure! I'm hoping you also write short stories, because I'd love to see these talents in the SO contests...which should be starting up again soon.
Okay, as to the poem itself...
After all that wonderful (even if dark, lol) imagery, the thing I noticed most...unfortunately...is the forced rhyming and awkward phrasing in several of your lines For example:
"it was her canines she flashes"
Grammatically "flashes" should be "flashed"...but even then I find this line somewhat awkward in phrasing, as "When she got up" being redundant...IMO...with the previous line's "arose"...so...since we already know she has gotten up perhaps something like:
"with sparkling, white canines, giving wicked flashes"
Also:
" with no resist" this too is very forced, with "resist" needing, IMO, to be "resistance". One suggestion:
"In the name of his blood he christened her; she never tried to resist"
Those are just a couple of examples of how you can work with the words to make them sound more natural, and you can probably come up with some better ideas than those...offered, as they are...at 4 in the morning.
I also found "That this here woman" in the last line was awkward and repetitious of the previous line, so that's another one you may want to tweak a bit.
If you aren't familiar with it, you may want to check out rhymezone.com It's a good resource for finding rhymes that fit your poem, instead of letting the rhyme dictate what you're going to write.
Remember too...sometimes there just isn't a rhyme that works...and you may have to throw a line out and start over, in order to achieve something that doesn't sound contrived or forced.
A couple other things to keep in mind...
Try not to repeat uncommon words, such as "devour" in lines 3 and 6. Maybe the "hungry dogs" could "gorge on the falling feast" instead? rhymezone also has synonyms for words, which can be a great help...or get a thesaurus and keep it handy, if you don't have one.
I don't suggest beginning (or especially ending) lines with words like "and"...as first and last words generally get more emphasis than others, and you don't want to waste that potential for using impacting words, with basic "filler" words.
For a write of this length...and one that is, to me, more of a "story poem" than the poetic format we generally look for...I really think this needs to be properly punctuated. Commas to separate adjectives, periods to tell the reader where each thought begins and ends. I didn't have a lot of issue with clarity despite the lack of punctuation, but it would still add a great deal to this...IMO.
You have other judges coming behind me, and they will no doubt cover areas I didn't...my scores and the other areas I looked at will be revealed in the final notes of the contest.
I really would enjoy seeing this worked into a short story, so I hope you'll keep that in mind and maybe give it a shot?
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
P.S. Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies have been handed out.
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You mention the second half of the transformation but not the first. I think if you had the Price of darkness instead of Prince Charming sinking his fangs of commitment into her lovely long neck... The mention of blood shared from the wrist would have h
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what a unique twist..great flow and rhyme..and so very original..my little mind does not work that way..hehe..best of luck in the contest..and thanx so much for sharing..blessings..namaste..
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i love your vocabulary choice. too many writers get stuck in the everyday english. but on the other hand if your going to use those big words you have to work extra hard on making the poem flow an area in which i felt this one was lacking.
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a brilliant poem full of some fantastic imagery and a subtle twist at the end full of vivid darkness good luck in the contest
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Intriguing
A creatively gory tale of creatures and beast
taking back their life. No one wants to be
caged inside the boredom of everyday existence.
We yearn to take a trip on the wild side
where we can be in touch with the darkness
that lay dormant inside us. Nice
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Very interesting and creative throughout. Geo
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Definitely a good twist on a classic fairy-tale. My favourite stanza was this one:
"Demented clowns encircle luscious obscure flowers
alerting the ring leader upon his magisterial stilts
All the while performers pick little children to devour
as the master pours pure Mercury hoping the flower wilts."
With a bit of tightening, this could definitely go somewhere. Bravissima!
Love Lor-Lor
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sweet twistytale around snow white. great visuals of the surroundings too. this has a lovely darkness flowing with silk in your words
i love this stanza best
A new arrival arrives in a silk lined glass case
skin white as angels wings and eyes defined like a million ice caged lashes
She arose from her slumber with a subtle lingering embrace
When she got up it was her canines she flashes
i can totally see her in the glass case rising undead
WTG awesome
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Very dark spill from your quill twinny! I don't think I'll be going to the circus any time soon..nope! Hehe an excellent write hun, such great imagery! You want to add POM and theme to your AN tho All the best in the contest
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done and thank you!
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Oooh very cool. I must agree with previous comments it deffo sounds alot like a rob zombie theme lmao. Always a pleasure to read your stuff and it seems you have limitless ideas.
Love you
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cool.
nice imagery and stuff ^^
great job. -
gorgeous <3 <3 <3
love the imagery!
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a scary snow white tale, gave me the creepies, and that be a good thang
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Well I wasn't fully sure what to expect when I read the title but I was happily surprised. This is quite a creative tale you've spun, I wish you the best of luck in the contest. ^_^
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picturing this is quite scary...really vivid. a perverted view of the circus, tis goodly.
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well they asked for original and everything else i thought of was just stupid lol like talking sheep
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A+ on originalit, dear. its like so many of the dreams that i long to have and, sometimes, long to come true. you've stopped my heart and made it bow to your compassion and creativity.
(a bouquet of blood drenched roses for your snow white)
bites and kisses
A
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Wicked Cool
I gott ahand it to ya Sweetems I like this poem alot better than the whole damn concept of the crappy movie LOL! I love the ide aof how you took in my opinion the Living dead Girl song from Rob Zombie & the movie Snow White & combined them into this freakishly wicked dark write. I enjoyed how you put this whole poem and concetp together. anyw ays nice work here and keep up the good work.
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A Living Dead Snow White? Loved it! Awesome creativity and tons vivid imagery.
Lots of love,
~Faithful-Star
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hun, absolutely love this.....dark, yet sensual, amazingly good write!!!
love you always
-Vlad
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