Thinking of what may be,
Hear the silent remedy,
Of birds talking to me,
People passing bye,
Not really seeing I,
But giving a graceful wave,
Then passing on not naive,
Smelling all the flowers,
Each having a power,
Which it uses to hypnotize,
With its sweet essence being wise,
Dogs barking wildly,
Angels flying guideingly,
Seeking those who need,
The powers that they heed,
Standing up to leave,
This place that is now a memory,
A place in my mind,
Where all is sweet and kind.
Author notes
*POM CONTEST*
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended September 2, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
It doesnt rhyme. I know.
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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To drown out the world, like a purging god, to create peace and tranquillity...nothing ever feels quite so serene as to get lost in such a heaven.
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Be Still and Quiet and Hear God
I like this, Annie; though, I do agree with your friend Concrete Angel: it needs work on the line meter, which at the moment is too random and broadranged. The purpose of consistent meter is to gain the result of not only great flow and rhythm but it also makes the poem much more powerful, having a greater impact on the reader.
The other technical issue I noticed is the partial use of punctuation: remove all the commas, inasmuch as your poem is basically written in an open form, meaning each line begins with a capital letter and contains absolutely no punctuation. Line end creates the pause you are attempting to gain by the use of commas. Remember, if you use punctuation at all, it must be used totally and accurately: you might notice that most of my poetry is fully punctuated, unless it is a short (haiku or senyru).
A few other suggestions: line 1 - "may" is the word used when requesting permission, so I recommend the word "might."
Line 4 - "bye" should be "by." passing by someone, or she said bye as in goodbye.
Line 10 - "which it uses to hypnotize." The previous line indicates many flowers and is worded in a way that is more condusive to line 10 pharased thus: "they use to hypnotize us" and I feel that "mesmerize" would better fit than "hypnotize."
Line 11 - "their sweet scents being wise
Line 12 - dogs might behave "wildly" but they do not bark "wildly." I feel that the more appropriate word might be "raucously," which provides the same feeling you were going for but is more accurate to the action of barking.
Line 13 - "Angels flying guideingly" - first, "guideingly" is spelled "guidingly" but the word really doesn't work here. You might try something akin to "Angels flying in search" to better fit the lines following:
Line 15- "The powers that they heed" - if "powers" refers to God and Christ, this line would make more sense if you capitalize "Powers," which would make it clear that you are making that reference.
Line 17 - "This place that is now a memory" would flow better with this minor change: "This place that now is a memory" (reversed "is now").
Also, I would consider breaking this poem into stanzas. Poems of this length or longer are much easier to read and digest when in stanzas, much like prose is broken into paragraphs that are not too lengthy. Length without breaks and lose the reader and cause a reader to miss your point.
This poem easily could be reduced to 5-line stanzas, meaning you would need to add one more line at the end: perhaps something like, "And I can hear the Lord."
Let me know when you need me, sweetheart.
Much love in Christ, BonnieQ
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Thank you Bonnie but this poem doesnt matter much anymore...it lost horribly. And concrete Angel is my sister =]
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Heh... reminds me of some of the randomness poems I've written. I like it a lot. If you worked on the rhythm and beat a little bit it could get even better! I could help you out if you wanted. It's just an issue of a few extra syllables (or not enough) here and there, at least with the way it sounded to me as I read it. Does that make sense? WELL IT BETTER! Well, I'm not one of these judge people so I'm going to make my comment nice! lol j/k. You should let the judges know that there are some Microsoft Word programs that automatically capitalize the first letter of a new line. It's a pain in the ass to have to go back and change the first letter of every line... I know I've dealt with it. I think that's a dumb rule. If people are supposed to be creative why restrict something like THAT? Oh well...
Ok love you... BYE
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Thankies Sissy! Yes all help is welcome! HELP HELP HELP!!!!! Be sure to read Little Girl Lost and my story Vivian Valcore if ya want!!! they were both entered in a contest and i got bronze for the story!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!! So yeseraydoodlay. Ill check out your poems! and did you recieve moms e-mail plz confirm. she told me to write that.
love you more then i love cookies and alex evans...ok maybe not more than him x]
xXxTannerxXx
P.S.-some of the poems on here were partially written by a friend. She did the first few lines and had me finish the rest. I love her. ^,,^ AND MOM MADE CHILI! COME OVER AND GET SOME! I NEED TO SEE YOUUUUU!!!!!!!! -
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Yes, I got mom's e-mail and I replied. I made chili over the weekend though! I'm stuffed on chili. I got chili comin' out my... well... I've ate a lot of chili. LOL. By the way... I edited my first comment and added some!
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YAAAAAAAY! come over anyway! Or as in the words of dane cook and achmed... COME OVER OR I VILL KILL YOU!
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Hi and welcome to the Pom contest
I did enjoy this piece I am not
sure to what your theme is as it is not stated
but I have read a few poems like
this and it is not very uncommon to me
to see this but I did enjoy this read we all need a
place that we can go
just to be with ourselves
and recover from the world
My score will appear with my end notes
best wishes and much luck.
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Hello :)
Let's me left-align for Flows sake...and for my eyes :)
Thinking of what may be,
Hear the silent remedy,
Of birds talking to me,
People passing bye,
Not really seeing I,
But giving a graceful wave,
Then passing on not naive,
Smelling all the flowers,
Each having a power,
Which it uses to hypnotize,
With its sweet essence being wise,
Dogs barking wildly,
Angels flying guideingly,
Seeking those who need,
The powers that they heed,
Standing up to leave,
This place that is now a memory,
A place in my mind,
Where all is sweet and kind.Ok....one long para is a huge no-no....for me....ruins the Tone and disrupts the Flow....especially CAPPING each line, which Rules are specific about ~
Not really clear on your Theme, and your Rhyme is forced and awkward ~
I think you will need to break out your creativity quill and join us again, and then watch your scores soar!
Remember....Creativity is the biggest Challenge in the PO' Contests....and then penning it wisely ~
:)
Thank you so much for coming out and supporting this contest,
..God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.0...I would not want to click on this Title, too confusing -
Flow 8.7..-
Depth 8.5...wanted more info -
Theme 7.5...cliche' in my opinion -
Feelings 9.1..watch out for loss of personification -
Grammar 9.3...simple.....get creative :)-
Presentation 9.0...already discussed -
Uncommonness 8.6.. looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 6.8...I did not ponder -
Ability to follow Rules 8.0...Theme in AN and Caps-
Bears Score: 84.5
Not bad :)
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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like i replied to trista's comment...all these results are insanely depressing to me. i try hard...i really do.
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Each Poet tries their best.....no doubt about that!
However.....if you continue to keep joining us, and keep trying, you will gain experience, wihch is crucial in a PO' Contest ~
We do not sugar-coat anyones entries, and we hope you appreciate that for the better in the long-run ~
All of your Judges, except me, have been in your shoes, and began at the bottom of the, (not-even-an-HM-list) ,.....and they know how it feels to have no where to go....except up!
You stick with it, and you'll get that Gold Trophy......be patient.....you can only improve
God bless you!
Bear ~
PS...and besides, your entry is good...yet, there will only be 6 Trophys given out of 30 entries.......there is room to improve for everyone
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Hi there, and welcome to the POM
I do believe you're new to the PO contests, so welcome! We love to see younger writers here, and I hope you'll find this to be a good experience for you...with some suggestions from me and your other judges that may help you or give you things to consider not just for this poem, but ones you write in the future.
Okay...first off...it's really, really, Really important to read ALL the rules of any contest you enter.
Some contests on AP aren't terribly strict about them, but we take them fairly seriously here...and they do impact your score. 
I noticed a couple of rules this did not follow...starting each line with a capitol letter, and not having your theme in the author notes.
As for the poem itself...
I agree with what Bunny has already said, but in addition to that, I'd like to see a few periods instead of allllll those commas. Especially if you don't have stanza breaks, your reader is going to need a place or few to stop, rest, breathe, and digest the thoughts and any imagery you are portraying. When I try to read this out loud, I definitely run out of breath long before the end! Keep in mind it's probably best not to cap the beginning of every line...just those that are preceded by a period.
"now a memory," Or perhaps..."just a memory" ? "now" makes me think it's a place that really existed but you're no longer there, and to me, this seemed more like it was an imaginary place you were describing, so "just" would make more sense...to me.
I suspect rhyming will get easier for you as you get older and expand your vocabulary...but in the meantime, there's a great site called rhymezone.com that you might find helpful, if you aren't already familiar with it. You can find not just rhymes, but synonyms and antonyms for words too, which when used sparingly, can really spice up a poem.
Other things like metaphors, alliteration, consonance...gosh, there are just so many things for you out there when you feel ready to expand your "tool box" of poetic devices!
I did find some of your thoughts interesting. I think what I'm most curious about though, is what makes this imaginary place of yours, different from anyone else's? Your theme is a pretty common one, so it's very important to add details that are going to make it unique and creative. Remember...your view of the world is different than anyone else...don't be afraid to share what you see with the rest of us.
Thanks so much for joining us in the POM, and I do hope you'll return in the future. You can also join the PO group...where you'll find a great bunch of writers as well as info on past and current PO contests.
Other areas of your poem I looked at will be revealed in the final notes of the contest...and remember...no editing once a judge has commented until after trophies have been awarded.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
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Im sorry...I didnt understand the rules and didnt know who to ask for help...i asked a few people but none were much help... seriously failing like this is quite depressing for me...a nice cold glass if rude awakening =[ guess im never gona get a gold trophy.
+*+Tanner+*+ -
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Hi Tanner,
I entered the PO contests long before I became a judge, and I've felt a LOT like you do. But I can tell you this: there are 30 poems in this POM, many of which are going to get really good reviews...and STILL not get so much as an HM. Now how depressing would that be, too???
I really hope you'll join us again...if you listen closely to what the judges tell you, and remember we are judging a single poem of yours, not all of them (and we are especially not judging you, or your talents) you can take that information and use it to work toward that gold trophy.
Also...any time you have questions or don't understand something, you can leave a message on the contest page or PM me or Bear...one of the two of us are almost always around and will be happy to help however we can, k?
Most importantly...Don't give up, ever. Believe in yourself and you'll find there's magic in having confidence...
s
~J. -
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no i dont think ill be joinin u guys again. I wont be entering any more contests. i think ill leave ap. ive been writing since i was 6 and havent (obviously) improved any. so wats the point?
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Hi Tanner,
If you've been writing since you were 6 it tells me you have a deep love for writing...probably much like I did when I was your age. When I was 4, I used to tell my mom stories and have her write them down for me, then I'd draw and color in pictures. Well...now I'm almost 40 and can barely draw a stick person, but at least I can write my own stories.
The point is...I'm sure you've improved since you were 6! But most important, I would hope you'd keep writing because you love it. The trophies on here are nice, but not a measure of your talents. You'll find a lot of poets on AP who don't even enter contests.
I really hope you don't leave AP. If nothing else, because it's a great place to make friends.
s and best wishes,
~J.
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Well this had a simplistic sweetness to it, but it did not appeal to me I'm afraid. It had bones but no meat, a few morsels but nothing to really sink my teeth into.
I did not like the line :Never really seeing I", which I presume was written that way to adhere to the rhyme of bye, which should be by, passing by, not passing bye. which means farewell. The title did nothing to add to the piece. "Silent Remedy" alone would have been more intriguing.
My scores will give you more specifically the areas I feel could be improved upon:
Title 9.2...I would not click on this Title...didn't intrigue me at all.
Flow 9.05.... forced rhyme in places, short and choppy, near rhymes, forced rhymes and slant rhymes, too much for a nice flow to be achieved.
Depth 9.00....no depth, it was more a statement, you told and there was very little poetic device used.
Theme 9.00..overused Theme....read similiar,
Feelings 8.95...lacking..as I said, sweet but nothing to get any feelings involved.
Grammar 9.2....not great, you need to work on punctuation, rhyming, line breaks and poetic device.
Presentation 9.00...not really a fan of all one stanza, you should break things into small stanza's using line breaks to draw the imagination and the eye.
Uncommonness 8.5...too common....looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 8.5...I didn't ponder, there was really nothing for me to think about with this piece.
Ability to follow Rules: 9.5 you didn't put your theme in your notes....
Cupcrazy’s Score: 89.9
Hope to see you enter again soon! I just noticed your age, so I want to encourage you that you are young and will improve, you have something inside you to say, and soon the words will poetically flow out and you will find that your form and all the other mundane things like grammar etc will improve sweetie Hugs, Bunny
No editing once a judge has touched your work!
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well you dont lay down the truth lightly do ya? O.O Im crushed. Seriously. Your scores are the best...and thats sad considering your views. im a sucky poet...im a faliure in all i do. Thanks for bein harsh. i needed that slap in the face x]. but i try. seriously.
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You are not a sucky poet, young and inexperienced is all. If you need help anytime hun, just IM me, I am around alot and would be glad to help you if you needed it ok. Don't be depressed, when I first started writing I thought I would never win a trophy and no one would ever like my work, and now I have oodles, and my work is appreciated and so I guess we all grow with time and experience and the help of those that have already journeyed before us hugs, Bunny
and yeah I have a bad habit of saying exactly what I think, I'm sorry if it was a little too blunt, I forget sometimes that I not everyone likes it that way
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This is a great piece. Some lovely imagery and thoughts. You may want to add your theme to AN to, as per rules All the best in the contest
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