negative thoughts drown my brain till insane,
there is a storm inside my head and my eyes are the pouring rain,
my fingertips are numb and my teeth i will grind,
till i can find the right words to say, forever is our time-line,
It is you my love our secret is our only truth,
but it's stagnant fear inside enabled by a troubled youth,
i try not to allow myself to ever think too much or ever too soon,
sometimes i have to get away from my mind, alone in my dark cave of doom,
It's that i hate money more than i hate myself,
But it is the love for you that is my precious wealth,
no matter where we live or where we must make our home,
with your warm heart and deep eyes i could never feel alone,
Author notes
i can't not really figure out what my fav style or how i write, it just comes out kinda like lyrics or rhyming, but ill tell you i love fresh poems prewrites are boring and old news, being on the edge of my seat and happy to see what comes out, thanks
Not your conventional poet but a solo musician also
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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WOW! What a bang to make on your first appearance here in Poetic Challenge. This is a creative piece indeed. Let me start by saying that the rhyme was not boring, as usually find it to be. As I do feel that it was missing a bit of metaphoric power. I enjoyed that you kept your wording simple, yet it was deep and meaninful. I can see your talent is monumental and this challenge will prove to be a place for you to pour pieces of yourself! I must say that my least favorite part of this was the use of "i" instead of "I". Sometimes you used caps, and others you did not... that, in my humble opinion took away from the power!
Good luck! Stay tuned for the results
You will be a tough poet to beat this season!!
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Hey and welcome to the poetic challenge I do like the dark tone this has, very nicely done, strong without being raw, good job!
The 'i' not being capped I found distracting some what. I always believe its all proper grammar or none at all. Personally I prefer all, just makes the write so much better The only other real thing is the line length. There are so many filler words repeated, that as bear said simply aren't needed. For example...
'there is a storm inside my head and my eyes are the pouring rain' could be 'storms rage inside my mind, eyes pour with rain.' It would certainly aid flow IMO You have a powerful voice lurking under the surface, don't be shy...Bring it out for us to see There really isn't anything else that hasn't already been covered. I really do like your line of thought here, and I look forward to seeing what else you put before us in future rounds
Your score from me is 94
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Nice review Pink
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Hey there....welcome to your first Round :)
Let me left-align for my sanity :))
off season feeling
negative thoughts drown my brain till insane,
there is a storm inside my head and my eyes are the pouring rain,
my fingertips are numb and my teeth i will grind,
till i can find the right words to say, forever is our time-line,
It is you my love our secret is our only truth,
but it's stagnant fear inside enabled by a troubled youth,
i try not to allow myself to ever think too much or ever too soon,
sometimes i have to get away from my mind, alone in my dark cave of doom,
It's that i hate money more than i hate myself,
But it is the love for you that is my precious wealth,
no matter where we live or where we must make our home,
with your warm heart and deep eyes i could never feel alone,Not sure why you are capping some words and not the others ~
*It's that I hate........or.......I hate*
No need for Filler Words which have no impact on your Tone....and we don't know what ( it's ) is -
*That* ....is a word over-used by so many...try to work around it :)
*But it is the love .........are you comparing?
No reason for *but* ....you are continuing a thought.....therefore, it should be.....It is the love -
Ok....great entry....lots of areas of concern with punc.'s and Caps, however, nothing which can't be fixed for affect later....especially commas.....use them for Tonal affect! ~
You have a strong voice.....I suggest you stay Focused and Direct in your thoughts......forget about all of those unnecessary fillers which do nothing for your Tone.......you have a gift without them, it is plain to see ~
:)
Also....middle-align is not something other Judges may care about.....but...for me....the Flow is interrupted and the Tone is not as casual, nor, do you allow the Reader greater Impact with complete lines before wrapping around...as the brain is looking ahead, and it is seeing a line which it has to put into place before it gets to it.....causing the synapses to not spark as quickly, therefore, leaving the brain to not engage with your thought as quickly, as if left-aligned........only my opinion :)
Nice job.....Love your anbility to draw me in and make me want to read more....I am looking forward to your next entry.......and one word of caution......do NOT, wait until the end of this Challenge to show off your talents.....it could cost you *wink*
Good luck and God bless,
Bear ~
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I liked this
it was diffrent and deeply emotional,
lyrical art..
great job
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My initial reaction to this poem overall is that the actual wording and rhyme is good.
However, the puncuation and capitalization is way off.
I believe that the word "I" should always be capitalized.
A few spots where words seem to be missing and some where words are abbreviated as well.
Every line ending in a comma really upsets the flow and way the reader will read it. An example of how you could have presented this would look like this...
Negative thoughts drown my brain until I'm insane
There is a storm inside my head and my eyes are the pouring rain.
My fingertips are numb and my teeth I will grind,
until I can find the right words to say, forever is our time-line.
I think that ultimately these things you may want to be extra careful of.
My score
90
**Ktulu Blackwolfe**
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