She was a little toddler,
Rotund with baby flesh,
All over,
Eyes shining in anticipation and excitement,
She was the one I had,
Her mother had died in child birth years ago,
My little one was reared in my manly care,
Though it was at best bare,
Leaving me sad,
All that I saw since was red,
And felt less good than bad,
I often lay morose and down,
I lit up only when she was shown,
Often it was she who came to my bed,
Caressing me with those little palms,
Rubbing those ruddy cheeks against mine hot ones,
Looking deep in her blue eyes,
Made me feel that I had deep sea dive with a sigh,
All days were alike for me-sad and forlorn,
But she was discovering and frolicking like a latest born,
Today she came,
While I was still mentally lame,
She had a secretive look,
As if she had something on brook,
She coyly smiled,
Lighting me for a little while,
And left, yes simply left,
She would come to me every fifteen minutes,
But now she was gone for an hour,
I weakly lifted and walked to her room,
There it all looked mire than ever in need of broom,
There she was in a corner on the carpet,
With pumpkin flesh all over the floor,
And on her face, hands, legs as if in a messy gore,
She had a knife in her hand,
And she was stooping on a murdered pumpkin,
As I called her she looked up,
She had long forgotten about her sup,
Her eyes met mine,
An energy flashed into me,
Her innocence and joi de vivre went up livid,
And I could remember this day quite vivid,
It was this day years ago when her mother had flown,
Leaving my baby and me on my own,
But now the mother came alive in her baby,
And was saying ,"dead I may be",
Rise up and make her life,
Look at her preen,
And help her carve for Halloween.
Author notes
Rise up and make her life,
Look at her preen,
And help her carve for Halloween.
In a list
A contest entry
- Awesomely Sad Poems by Toxic Stardust.
475 points, ended September 1, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - contemporary emotional personal poetry♥ by etoile.
575 points, ended October 19, 2008, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Halloween Contest by xBloodPromisedx.
675 points, ended September 30, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Wow. I liked it. Especially the last part. There were some words I didn't understand, but that's probably because, I'm 12. LOL. Good Job.
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okay now I am going to offer some suggestions. First off... break this up into stanza's. Makes it so much easier to read that way.
Also, to many words. You have words that are totally unnecessary. two words that basically mean the same thing back to back. Unnecessary and makes the poem appear wordy.
Work on those two things and I think you will have one amazing poem here.
I like the idea of a child and halloween. I like the idea of a saddened father mourning his dead wife and then later finding her in their child. Good idea you got going here.
Thanks for sharing this with us. keep on writing you are doing well. All of us need practice and to improve on things. I know I certainly do. -
I must admit, I am confused.
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this was interesting. line breaks could help make this easier to read. also the comma after every line was sometimes unnecessary.
overall this was an interesting poem.
thanks for entering and goodluck
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ap name in authors notes please. and I'll comment for real later.
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wow, this is pretty good. so the mother died on Halloween right? just want to make sure I understood. I really like this. good luck!
Much Love and Keep Writing,
-Alicia Lynn -
Superb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOW!!!!!! What an amazing poem you have written. Such sadness of chidhood and parenthod combined in a sad tale. Being a mom I can feel the emotions that drain and torment the father in the story. Such an original poem you have penned. A pleasure to read this morning. Wonderful flow, rhyme snd imagery. Many applauses for this excellent poem.
Best Of Luck
Sandy
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