Capsized love makes no more wake
along the supple smooth of my heart
yet still sends ripples of remembrance against further shores.
They lap
out of time.
Each gentle wave, a child-beggar,
a beautiful thief,
eroding my soul by measured spoonfuls.
We danced once
didn’t we?
I folded you into my arms,
into the swells of music,
the rapture of evening.
Every star envied your eyes
and Moon desired your glow
as the current of symphony embraced us
like a third lover
and the tap, tap of our feet
moved in-sync across the floor.
My heart flew, and you,
you flew as well.
For when I turned again
you were gone
spirited away into a cold dawn.
I almost remember how your
hair smelled when my cheek
pressed against it. I almost
remember the taste of your bare shoulder
and the nape of your neck under my lips.
Sometimes a glimmer sparks on an encroaching ripple.
Sometimes
a whisper of my name is in that lapping.
But in the awful silence between,
I know you
have forgotten.
In a list
A contest entry
- Invite Only! For Those I Consider Some Of The Best Writers On The Site ! by Cupcrazy.
3500 points, ended September 18, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Selfish Me. by Poetryintheblood.
425 points, ended September 16, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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This is beautiful, human poetry. When I reached the ending, knowing full well what was coming, I STILL let out a gasp. Poetry that makes the reader gasp is - magic. So perfect. A pleasure to read and enjoy again. ~Pamela
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Brian...no words.
just know that i believe
you are one of the finest
poets on this site.
Love, Lane
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I blush...
"Each gentle wave, a child-beggar,
a beautiful thief,
eroding my soul by measured spoonfuls."
a beautiful ode to love!
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Just taking another look at this brilliant river dance.
Doesn't get old.
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This gave me shivers. It's so beautiful and yet so raw. It makes me want to cry. I don't even have words to express how beautiful this is. So emotional.
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wow....I just felt such emotion welling, and slipping away like smoke inside of me as I read this...
Too beautiful for me to even begin praising you...
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Excellent metaphor in the first stanza
and personification in the fourth..
and the subtle erotic descriptions near the end.
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I LOVE THIS...♥
It is so filled with beautiful language and emotion that makes me sigh reading every line with a haunting sadness that made my heart flutter...
TY for entering!
Amazing write...
Lynda
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Thank you for your beautiful entry, good luck in my contest, Josie
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This is such a beautiful piece Brain, the ripple is so wonderful an image with its crest and tide effect, and as the emotion like water recedes from the shore, the sense of loss is revealed upon the skin like sand eroded forever by its touch. Once caressed now left unveiled, unwrapped, revealed, standing alone with nothing left but the memory of love reflected in the scars borne from its aching loss. Sand Castles and Dreams never survive the tides! Beautiful work here and en excellent take on the prompt. Hugs, Bunny
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I loved this! The use of the ripple effect was perfect, the motion, the traveling, the "thievery", the incredulous perspective of wonderful memories viewed from a darker present... very powerful piece! The "third lover" was kinky too
.
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This hits close to home for me... I know the feelings that you speak of only too well. I have lived this for the past two years, and will continue to do so till my forever has arrived...
This is wonderfully written and grabs one by the heart and keeps them going, with memories that they can relate to, if they have lost too. Great job! If this has not been judged, I wish you all the luck! This is great!
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The hallmark of a well written poem is that one can ski down the page without a rough spot from start to finish. As smooth as a baby's butt.
Well done!
Paul
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this is very sad but so well written my best line 'eroding my soul by measured spoonfuls.' amazing!!! keep it up! xx
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This is beautiful poetry...from start to finish. It murmurs gently and lap against the heart and soul so very softly. Simply beautiful.
~ Nicolette
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…beautifully written. Amazing the way you captured it.. and its exactly how im feeling at the moment… it brought tears to my eyes…
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This is very well written. I love the imagery. very romantic in my opinion. Good job
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Brian, this was absolutely beautiful. Every word carried me along and I felt the magic of the moment and the sigh of regret.
I only wish I could describe such images. "I almost
remember the taste of your bare shoulder
and the nape of your neck under my lips." That line is yummy.
I also loved, "Every star envied your eyes
and Moon desired your glow
as the current of symphony embraced us
like a third lover".
In fact I loved every word. You have a gift for using accessible language in unique ways, bringing the reader a new perspective. Your poems are carefully crafted, gentle, sensuous and lyrical. Very few have the gift to write as you do. I look forward to all your poems. Peace, Liz
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Gonna go through this line by line. Don't know how else to do it...
You start off with this amazing tragic image of the capsizing ship (implied) and the absence of effect "wakes". The image itself was excellent, but the use of the disappearing "wakes" even better, i think, because of the dual meaning of the word wake. You have the movement caused by the ship wake, but also the mourning wake. I thought the use of the two together, which was most certainly intended, was an incredible way to set off the emotion of the poem from the beginning.
love the idea of the ripple against the "further shores," as if it is not a full-blown effect, it is removed, but it is yet doleful and significant.
Lapping out of time--again, you have the sense removal, of it not fitting with the normal state, but also this immense sense that in its irregularity it is unmistakably noticed, and to great effect. Awesome. Seemed to serve as a precursor for what came next...
But here is where you got me...capsized me completely...the CHILD BEGGAR. There is no single image that tugs at the heart more intensely than a precious child who must beg. It goes against nature, I think. Nothing seems more tragic and wrong. Thus the strength of the image here. Each wave, which SHOULD be fed, must instead beg. You continue the incongruancy with the words "BEAUTIFUL THIEF." Gasp! Those two words should not be used together, but this lapping, this stealing of emotion, this painful reminder, is actually welcome. I just found that one of the most beautiful things I have ever read, for real. "each gentle wave, a child beggar, a beautiful thief" gasp gasp gasp. The the beautiful way it effects the speaker little by little, eroding by spoonfuls... love that.
I love the way you bring us fully then into the memory with the questions, asking her to recall, but the speaker is really making the statement to himself. Gives the feeling of real-time realization.
I love how you bring us up to these amazing romantic heights with all the heavenly images to a time when the lovers were perfectly in sync (wonderful contras, btw), and then crash us down fast and hard with the quick statement, "you were gone."
"spirited away" love the intangibility of that.
Then you take us to more concrete images, perfect sensuality, and yet by now it is coupled with this incredible feeling of loss, so we enjoy it, but love the sensation and hate the pain of the memory at the same time.
Back again, to present time... the glimmer (wonderful) but on an ENCROACHING ripple. Again such amazing contrast of beauty and pain. And again you get the feeling that she is still taking from him. The contrast intensifies the strength of each.
the whispered name--such hope and beauty...but the silence the awful, awful silence just rings. Again, a perfect contrast. And silence, between only whispers, seems all the more sad because there used to be beautiful music.
The images in this piece are used in a very fresh way, and the emotion is so strong it just swallows you right up. This is mechanically perfect, I think, too. But pshaw, who even cares? It's a plus that is dwarfed among giants.
This is the Everwind that I love to read. Hope to see more of this beauty soon! -
this is a gorgeous, sensual poem.
Quite a sad one, though, to remember someone like this, and you are sure they are not thinking of you
...it reminds me a little of an Aubade
[ten thousand cicadas sent me your way]
best of luck in the contest
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"But in the awful silence between
I know you
have forgotten."
Exquisitely beautiful and oh so true.
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Such passion wrapped within this beautifully framed free verse. I enjoyed this so much. Loved the stars and the moon with their glow that touches lovers in that unique way - the one that is forgotten when time dusts and fills gaps.
Ahhh. so beautifully crafted. A pleasure to read and enjoy. ~Pamela
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very star envied your eyes
and Moon desired your glow
as the current of symphony embraced us
like a third lover
and the tap, tap of our feet
moved in-sync across the floor.
My heart flew, and you,
you flew as well.
For when I turned back
you were gone
spirited away into a cold dawn.
I just love that.
Everwind, have I not ever told you I LOVE YOU lol
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